Beauty From Ashes

A Love Story

2011-12-04T20:55:00.001-06:00

I'm trying to be a better blogger! I was thinking about what I could blog about no exciting trips lately (lot of travel but nothing exciting), work is work..but life has been pretty great the past few months! So I thought I would write about the beautiful love story God has written over the past few months. There's a lot of beautiful details and it would fill an entire book but here's a little bit of it.

Back in December 2010, one of my dear friends got engaged. I was thrilled for her but her engagement officially made me the last of my close friends to be single. That night, I cried out to the Lord, "Where is he? I know You know, but I don't know what else to do." In my spirit, I felt the Lord gently whisper to me "Give me six months." That's the first time I had ever heard a specific time frame from Him other than "soon." But His timing and our are the not same so I had no idea how long it would really be. The next few months were a wonderful time (yet challenging) of waiting on the Lord and preparing for Rwanda and Brazil.

At the end of April 2011, one my friends suggested I try match.com. I laughed- I had tried online dating before and was certain it was not for me- not part of my story. She insisted and I gave in- giving it one month. If I met someone-great..if not, okay. I saw a few profiles I was interested in and clicked "yes" on some of them that came through the "daily 5" matches they gave me. There was one that really caught my eye and I clicked yes. I wasn't entirely sure what clicking yes meant, but did it anyway. 3 days later, May 3, I got an email from D, the my yes! It was brief, but kind (and not pushy!!) We emailed back and forth and realized we knew alot of the same people, had a lot in common, ministry, BCM..you name it. We emailed back and forth (and FB) for about 3 weeks before I left for Rwanda. We texted while I was gone too- our first date wasn't for another month. At first, I thought it was moving too slow, but now, am so thankful for that month to really get to know each other. Our first date was in June and lasted 6 hours!! Our second date was a few weeks later and also lasted 6 hours! (We love our marathon dates!) Our second date was when I realized this was different from anything I had ever experienced. We didn't see each other for a month because of my trip to Brazil and camps for him...that was brutal!!! Our reunion was another marathon date and then I realized...he was the one I prayed all this time for.

God's timing is absolutely perfect..He wrote this story in a way only He could do. There are so many little things that fit into place: where I was three years ago, where he was three years ago, the paths He had us take..all put together to write a beautiful story. Here's the funniest little piece: D and I both did summer missions with BCM in 2002 but in different places. There's a summer missions poster with both of our pictures on it!

I cried out to the Lord on Dec 4, 2010..the email came May 3, 2011..almost 6 months to the day. Wedding bells are in the future, but again waiting on the Lord to lead D to a full time ministry position (he's a youth minister!) Again, waiting on the Lord, a pattern here. :)

This was us at Medieval Times. He's my Knight in Shining Camo ! (He's a HUGE deer hunter and yes, i've been hunting twice!)

Can't wait to see how the rest of the story unfolds!

'Tis so Sweet to Trust In Jesus"

2011-11-09T20:43:00.002-06:00

"Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take Him at His word,
Just to rest upon His promises, Just to trust His cleansing blood
Just to rest upon His promise Just to know "Thus saith the Lord."

"Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him, how I've proved Him o'er and o'er!
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus! O, for grace to trust Him more!"

If anyone knows me at all, they know I love music. I tend to think "musically" at times and can often find songs to relate to what I'm feeling or trying to say. The old hymns are no exception. Don't get me wrong, I love the modern worship music of today but there's something about a hymn- so rich, so true, so simple. I grew up with hymns and often one will pop into my head for no apparent "reason." The reason: God speaking to me through it.

This evening, the above hymn popped into my head. But this time, there was a valid reason: God is telling me to gently trust Him..prodding me and pricking at my heart. There's a particular situation right now where I'm having to really really trust the Lord- probably more so than I ever have before. I can't talk about it here- it's nothing bad, but not something for blog land to hear about (all 4 of my readers!) So if you read this, say a little prayer for me: for wisdom, discernment and trust.

I was talking to my BFF tonight and I told her something that I've recently came to realize: I have a lot of fear. Now, there aren't a lot of things in life that scare me or hold me back- at least I want to think it or portray it. But there's a lot of fear deep down. Most of it is the fear of the unknown. Fear of what lies ahead, even though I'm ready for the future. She gently reminded me that the Bible is very clear about fear and anxiety and worry. To fear is not to trust the Lord. I say I trust the Lord, but do I really? I mean, really?? I think so many times we say we trust the Lord because if we say it, we'll believe it. But saying it and actually believing it are two totally different things. As I was talking to her about my fears, she said this was a prime time to start trusting the Lord now. NOW. I want it to become like breathing..so natural, something I don't have to think about. Oh, if it were only that easy.

I was talking to another dear friend tonight and she told me to be reminded that God has taken care of me my entire life. He has brought me so far..there is so much beauty from ashes. Redemption, leading me into the land of milk and honey, so much of His faithfulness when everything else around me crumbled. God is not going to leave me hanging..He has brought me too far. "Grace has brought me safe thus far and grace will lead me home." (pattern here- music!)

Even when I don't understand, even when I can't see two feet in front of me, the Lord is with me, hemming me in, giving me just enough light for the step i'm on. I have to trust- I have to. I'm commanded to do it: Prov 3: 5-6: Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understandings. In all of your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

As the line in "Tis So sweet to trust in Jesus": "how I've proved Him o'er and o'er." Oh yes, I've proved Him time and time again and He's been faithful.

Update- Yes, I'm still alive!

2011-09-28T20:44:00.005-05:00

I know it's been forever since I've blogged (for all of my four readers!) I've been meaning to get to blogging regularly but well, life gets in the way. A lot has happened since my last post. Here's the brief rundown:

I went to Brazil- amazing experience! It was very different from Rwanda in so many different ways. The trip stretched me and taught me so much about letting the Holy Spirit lead and move.

Three of my close friends are having babies (one boy and one girl so far!) so I'm looking forward to loving those babies!!

Work is steady busy and I've tranistioned to doing what I love about 98% of the time.

My families are starting to come home with their children- love this part of my job!

Portico has moved into the Palace- love my community!

At the urgent plea of one my close friends, I tried online dating again...well, this time it worked!!!! I met a wonderful, godly guy and we've been dating since May. God's timing is all over this and I love how He works. Funny thing is D and I really could have known each other for years- our paths have interesected several times and we didnt' know it. The craziest is when my mom showed us the poster from BCM summer missions in 2002 with both of our pictures on it!!!!! D is everything I've prayed for and didn't even know I needed.

That's a picture of us at the top..can't get it to post to the bottom of the writing..suggestions? Anyway, that's a bit of what's going on with me...will try to be better about posting. :)

Post Africa Depression?

2011-06-20T20:01:00.002-05:00

I've been back from Africa-Rwanda- for one week. The whole experience was amazing, humbling, frightening and uncomfortable all rolled into one. The "Post Africa Depression" hit me yesterday- I think because I finally had time to sit still long enough to think. What i write next may not make sense to anyone (not even to me!) but that's okay. I will likely be processing for years..I may never know this side of heaven all that I learned from Rwanda.

I went to Rwanda scared to death God would call me to live there. Not exactly why I thought that but I did. It didn't take me very long after we landed for me to realize this was not my calling. I can't explain it but I felt really uncomfortable, out of place, like I didn't belong there. The people were nice but Rwandans are generally distrustful of people they don't know- who can blame them? Their own neighbors murdered 1million people in 100 days. I was quickly reminded how this earth is not our home and that we are aliens in this land. I felt like an alien- I didn't belong there. I wrote in my journal, "God called me to go, not to stay."

One of the things we were first told when we arrived will forever be stamped into my heart...I pray I never forget it. "People are not going to remember what you said or what you did. They will remember how they felt when they were with you." I had an amazing experience at the orphanage (i blogged about it at www.voiceforrwanda.org/blog , "The Power of Touch") This statement summed up my orphanage experience.

I spent a lot of time during the trip wondering why I came, why God had brought me all this way to rwanda..and to be honest, I may never know. But I do know this: I'm not the same. Africa changes your view of everything. I think everyone needs to go to Africa just to get a dose of perspective. Things are much slower there, not hectic. People are grateful for help, there are pockets of hope visible in the midst of one of the worst acts of evil ever committed.

Here's what i wrote while I was on the plane: "My heart's desire is that I will not come back the same, that I will have a deeper love for the Lord, for his children, a passion for orphan work, a changed heart, new eyes, and a new vision." I am definitley not the same...and I will seek Him to find me.

Rwanda!

2011-06-01T14:25:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure who all is reading this, but mainly I wrote this so I could say I blogged from AFRICA! I've been here 3 full days and already my head is spinning from all I've seen, heard, smelled, (Africa has its own smell!) but it's amazing. I'm sure I'll be processing for months to come. Check out our blog for the trip: www.voiceforrwanda.org

30 things about my 20's

2011-05-19T19:23:00.003-05:00

I'm less than a week away from turning 30! Despite the fact that I noticed a fairly large patch of gray hair this morning, I'm pretty excited about turning 30. Now granted, life looks a lot different than I thought it would at this point, but I feel like it only gets better from here.

I thought i would write about things I learned/experienced in my 20's. They are no particular order!

1. I graduated from college.
2. I graduated with my master's degree when I was 2 weeks away from turning 23.
3. I saw the Red Sox and Yankees play at Fenway.
4. Got head lice while I was a summer missionary.
5. Went to Croatia.
6. bought my first house!
7. Passed my LCSW.
8. Moved 200 miles away from home.
9. Had my first "real world" job.
10. Quite that job to work at my dream job.
11. Became "Aunt Ash."
12. Went to chicago.
13. Got a tattoo!
14. Experienced the bath house row in Hot Springs.
15. Became a director at work- at the ripe old age of 26...oh boy, what an experience that was!
16. Was published in Christian Single Magazine
17. Lived in a house with 6 other girls- yikes
19. Took a spontaneous trip to nashville and saw snow!
20. Saw many friends get married!
21. Went on more blind dates than I care to count
22. Discovered my love for adoption
23. Lost both of my grandmothers
24. Went to boston
25. Had high tea at the Ritz Carlton
26. Learned who my true friends were
27. Laughed a lot!
28. Went to Ridgecrest
29. Saw prayers answered in amazing ways
30. Had lunch with rebecca St. James

30 Things about my 20

2011-05-17T20:46:00.000-05:00

The Time of My Life

2011-04-27T20:37:00.005-05:00

I'm a month away from turning 30! For some reason, I'm really excited about this. I'm really looking forward to turning 30 and what this season has to bring. I may do a few posts about what I've learned in my 20's and things I look forward to in the season of 30. I've already done a few things to celebrate turning 30.

Got a tattoo. Picture below. This is something I've always wanted to do. It hurt like heck but I love it. It represents the thread of hope that runs through my life because of Christ.

Going to New Orleans with my BFF to celebrate the big 30. We're 20 days apart and we've always talked about doing something for our big day for a while. She's got two wee little ones so a big trip isn't possible. So we're going to New Orleans and have high tea at the Ritz, cafe Du Monde, ride the streetcar, and go vintage shopping.

Had professional pictures made. I haven't had them done since I was a senior in high school. I go to church with the lovely ladies of Focus Photography and a had blast taking pictures at the "farm" except for when the lamb decided to poop while taking our pictures.

I love how they turned out

There's a song by Green Day that really sums up how I feel about turning 30. It's called the "Time of Your Life." I tried to post the lyrics but I couldn't get it to work. Here's the first few lines:

"Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist and directs you where to go. So make the best of this test and don't ask why. It's not a question but a lesson learned in time. It's something unpredictable but it in the end it's right I hope you had the time of your life."

I mentioned earlier about going to Rwanda in May. Well God blew me away with the opportunity to go to Brazil later in July to work in orphanage!!!! He has provided the way for me to go. What' really neat about this is I will go in and meet with the orphanage staff and evaulate their needs and see how other ministry partners can help. I'll also get to do VBS with the children. I have no idea on running an orphanage but I can love on babies! I will also get to speak at a Baptist church in Brazil (with a translator- that's a first!) about how they can partner with the orphanage. I feel a bit indadequate but I know that God doesn't call the equipped but equips the called.

I also have another opportunity to speak to another ministry organization about the roles the church can play in foster care, adoption, and orphan care. Love that I get to share about what I'm passionate about and get to do it hands on.

I'm thankful for this season of life. I'm thankful that I'm single (yes, I said it!) because it gives me the freedom and flexibility to do what God has for me in the moment. Now, not to say I don't want to be married, but where I am is a good place.

I'm ready to have the time of my life.

From My Heart- A life changing Experience

2011-04-17T16:55:00.002-05:00

I posted this on my Fb page and wanted to share it here. This gives you a glimpse of what God has been doing in my life lately-yes, there's more to come! This is so unlike me to do this and way out of my comfort zone, but when God calls, okay. I pray that as you read this, you will see my heart and what God has been doing in my life. I've worked with abused and neglected children for almost six years now and have recently began to work with adoptive families both domestically and internationally. I love my job and am so thankful that God has allowed me to work in a ministry setting where I can be His hands and feet to His children. I've dreamed of one day going overseas to volunteer with an oprhanage, not knowing how one day it would be a reality. I've recently become a part of a great community of believers at Portico Church. I have been challenged in my faith and have seen the church be the body of Christ. On May 28, a team from Portico church will leave for Rwanda to spend 2 weeks doing an art camp for the residents of Peace House, a home for boys who were on the street. They will also be spending some time in an orphanage. I am a part of that team!!! I am so excited and it's been a dream come true. It's been a huge step of faith for me on so many different levels and also for us as a team. We stepped out in faith, believing God has called us to go, and purchased airline tickets. We got an amazing deal on tickets and have almost all of the money to pay for the tickets. Another neat thing for me about this trip is that I turn 30 2 days before we leave for Rwanda. Talk about a birthday present! I like to think it's God's birthday present to me- telling me to the have the adventure of my life with Him! Okay, here's the part I'm not so crazy about doing this: Would you pray and ask God how you can support "Voice For Rwanda?" You can visit our website www.voiceforrwanda.org and read about what God is doing. We are needing sponsors for the art camp, but I know that times are tough financially for everyone right now. Even $1 or $5 will help. You can can donate safely through Pay Pal and it's tax deductible. I believe that "God funds what He favors." If you can't give, then I ask you to committ to pray for our team. We leave in 7 weeks! We will be gone from May 28 to June 12. Pray for our safety in traveling, health and for God will do while we are there. Thanks for letting me share my heart with all of you! His Ashley

Wedding day-

2011-04-09T20:17:00.004-05:00

It's been a busy past few weeks and months. I have a lot to post about, but my head is tired and can't think too deep tonight. LOL I've been running all day long doing wedding stuff. Today was the wedding of my dear friends Andi and Jonathan. Andi and I met in a such God way nearly two years ago and I call her my "answered prayer." God knew I needed a friend and when I prayed for one very specifically, He sent me her. We have laughed together, cried together, prayed together and encouraged one another. Last September, we went with our church to Ridgecrest NC for Single's Labor Day weekend. She and I became friends with another group from NC and we all hung out that weekend, hiking, shopping. There she met Jonathan. But it was so funny- they hardly paid attention to each other all weekend! Then we get home and they start facebooking, talking...December they are engaged and here we are: Wedding day today! Andi is moving to NC with her new family, which includes a beautiful 13 year old daughter. The wedding was absolutley perfect and beautiful- a few tears but tears of joy. It was so neat to see how God perfectly orchestrated every detail of their day and how He brought their path together. It is a beautiful picture of redemption and grace. Proverbs 3 is the passage they've chosen for their marriage and I love verses 5-6: Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. I love this verse right now because life is looking incredibly different than I had planned (even at this point in life being single) but it is exciting. I love that I don't have to understand (and can't understand) what God is doing but I have to acknowledge Him in all that I do: give glory to Him, seek Him, look to Him, be aware of Him in all things. So thankful He makes the crooked paths straight.

Word of the Year: LIVE

2011-02-04T21:29:00.003-06:00

I know it's 2 months into the new year and I'm just now posting this, but for some reason it's been hard for me to sit down and actually blog about it. I'm not big about New Year's resolutions, but several years ago, I heard a pastor talk about having a "word of the year." I really liked that idea and have done it off and on for the past few years.

I was trying to think about my word for 2011. There were a few that came to mind, but one just kept coming back again and again. I realized that this was my word: Live. Since my grandmother's funeral, I've been thinking a lot about living. Grief tends to do that. Her pastor talked about how she lived life and to do good, you have to fight to do it. I turn 30 in 3 months (yikes!) and have thought about how different life was in my 20's compared to what it will be in my 30's. As I was speaking at the BCM last week, I thought about how far I had come from my early 20's to now nearly 30. I was shy, insecure, wounded by grief, looking for my place and purpose, a people pleaser, scared of the future. Now, I know who I am in Christ, have a clear sense of purpose for my life, not as scared of the future as I was before.

I want to LIVE...

with purpose and intention
for the moment
healthy- physically, emotionally
loving others
treasuring the little moments of life
valuing my friendships
with reckless abandon to Him
with passion
with joy
with obedience to the Lord
selflessly
with Scripture hidden in my heart
a song of praise on my lips for what the Lord has done
without complaining (so hard at times!)
with hope for the future
giving of my time, tithe and talent
content

I heard this quote recently. I tried to remember who said it and tried to find it, but couldn't. I want to say it was Erma Bombeck, but not 100% sure. Anyway, it went something like this: "At the end of my life, when I find myself face to face with God, I want to be able to say, "I have nothing left to give you, I have lived all of my life for You." May I live well, loving Him all of my days.

A stroll down memory lane

2011-01-28T20:42:00.002-06:00

Last night, I had the opportunity to speak at the BCM at Southeastern La. University. It was an amazing opportunity. The BCM played such a huge part of my life in college and in my story of who I am today. Before the service, I had dinner with two of my close friends from BCM. Great mexican food and great time of catching up and talking about old times. The campus has changed so much. The building looks the same, the couches are different, the BCM house is now green (you would have to see it to believe it!)

When we were worshipping last night, I was reminded of the many Thursday nights that I spent at the BCM. It was like I had traveled back in time. Even the band reminded me of our band! I shared about how much the BCM influenced my life, my ministry and my summer missions experience. Words cannot adequately express how much God used the BCM in my life. While I was speaking, in my mind I was thinking, "Have I really been out of college for 8 years? Am I really here?"

A few things that I learned during my time:

The importance of community
A heart for true worship
Servant leadership
My faith became my own- I experienced God for myself
Ministry as a lifestyle
A love for missions

I'm so thankful for my time at the BCM and the amazing ways that God used my experiences there in my life. I can't say enough. Thank you God, for you are good.

Show us your Life

2011-01-20T21:00:00.004-06:00

I love reading Kelly's blog, Kelly's Korner. It was one of the first blogs I read. She does a series of posts called "Show Us Your Life". This week is "Show us your Singles." This is very out of the box for me, but I figured why not! You never how God will work. This isn't the clearest picture but the most recent. I was MOH at my close friend's wedding this past summer.

My name is Ashley and I'm 29. I'm originally from South Louisiana but have called Northeast Louisiana home for nearly 7 years. I work for a faith based non profit as a social worker, working with foster care and adoption. I love what I do (most days!) because it's not a job to me but a ministry. I love being able to be Christ's hands and feet to hurting children and families.

I graduated from LSU and love all LSU sports (Geaux tigers!) I purchased my first house almost two years ago and have loved decorating it. I'm very close to my family and try to see them as much as I can. I've not only been blessed with a great family but also friends who are like family. I love traveling, bargain shopping, reading, writing, spending time with friends,exercising, coffee shops and crafting.

I love the Lord with all my heart- what a journey He has brought me on, but I'm so thankful. I'm very involved in my church with women's ministry and music-I love to sing, especially worshiping God. I have a heart for missions and will be going to Rwanda in May ( 3 days after turning 30!)

God has been so faithful during this time of singleness. The top two things I'm looking for in a guy/future husband: that he love God more than he loves me and realizes that God loves me more than he ever will. I have a few other things that I'm looking for, but these are the top two.

If you're interested or know someone to introduce me to, leave a comment!

Christmas Time is Here!

2010-12-25T17:03:00.002-06:00

It's Christmas and believe it or not, it actually feels like Christmas outside!(Unlike Thanksgiving when it was 78 degrees!) I've been home for nearly a week and will be here until Monday when I head to New Orleans for work, which means I won't be back to my house until late Tuesday...I miss my house! It's been fun, but I'm always ready to get back to my own routine.

This week has included spending a lot of bonding time with my parents, which has been nice. They decided they wanted to get a digital camera so my dad and I went to pick it out (I did the picking out, he paid! LOL) They are a little technology challenged! My 2nd niece was born last week so Aunt Ash got to see my girls- so sweet. Viv has mastered saying "Ash" and it brings a smile to my face every time she says it.

Christmas Eve was spent at my cousins with gumb and shrimp and corn soup- delicious! We popped fireworks afterwards and the little ones loved it. My little cousin loved using my Flip video camera and decided she wanted one- she forgets that she's only 8! We then went to my mom's sisters house and ate some more goodies and exchanged presents. Christmas morning we ate the traditional breakfast casserole and opened presents- I got bar stools! It's so funny the things that you get excited about as an adult. We then headed to a fancy hotel downtown for lunch- oh my! So good. This afternoon has been a lazy one, as it's cold and rainy.

This Christmas has been so different, especially with it being the first one without Maw Maw. She always loved Christmas and for the longest time we would all crowd into her house. A few memories over the years:

The year she cut down a Christmas tree from the woods behind her house. She was probably well into her 70's when she did this! It was a Charlie Brown tree, but that is one of my favorite memories.
The year we almost had ham sandwiches for Christmas Eve supper because it turned really cold and the pipes froze.
Seeing our handmade stockings (not by her, but she had them made) hung on the door
Our ornaments that had our names on it. Last year, we got these in our stockings. Mine is on my tree this year.
Date cookies- one day, I'm going to find a receipe for this!
Going to the christmas parade in Zachary
Going to the Christmas pageant at FBC Zachary
Everyone crowding into the house for Christmas and wrapping paper all over the place.
The gift cards from Maison Blanche (old department store in BR) and later from Walmart.
The year she got a VCR (after she asked for one) and asking what it was..and then telling my cousin that she couldn't watch Titanic because it was "too sad." :)

Even though Christmas was very different this year, one thing stayed the same: the Reason for the Season-Jesus. I'm reminded of how much a baby changed the entire course of history, that the Light of the World came into darkness-to seek and to save what was lost. Me. You. The entire world.

Long overdue update!!!!

2010-12-11T16:41:00.001-06:00

I didn't realize it had been since July since my last post! The past few months have been extremely busy to say the least and well, Life happens. I'm going to try get better at posting. I read other people's blogs and think "my life is not interesting enough to blog about!" Here's a recap of the past few months.

August- we celebrated my Maw Maw's 90th birthday. It was a lot of fun. My little cousin was upset that Granny didn't have a waterslide at her party. My mom also turned 60!(I hope I get her genes- she doesn't look 60 at all!) My parents and I went to Arkansas for a mini vacation.
September- I went back to Ridgecrest in NC. Amazing as usual. Met a lot of really great people and got to witness a love story (not my own!) unfold between my dear friend Andi and my new friend Jonathan.
October- This month is a blur and was a tough month. My Maw Maw suffered a stroke and went to be with the Lord. She lived a long life and showed us how strong she really was. I got to spend some time with her before the stroke happened and it was precious time. THe funeral was beautiful and very fitting. I sang "It is Well With my Soul." This was her request-several years ago, she heard me sing it and told me that's what she wanted me to sing at her funeral. Later on, we found the song and "How Great Thou Art" written on a napkin and tucked in her Bible. I miss her terribly, but am so blessed beyond measure and words at having her in my life. I was able to experience the body of Christ and community during this time. It was amazing to be able to know that I was being lifted up in prayer and being able to ask for it freely.
November- Thanksgiving- very different this year. Still, it was nice to be at home and be with my family.
December- busy month!! My second "niece" is due to arrive any day now, my house is all decorated for Christmas, and Andi and Jonathan are now engaged! Love being to celebrate with them. Looking forward to going home for a week and unwind.

A lot has happened in the past few months, but another great thing is on the horizon. I'm going to RWANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Super excited- mom and dad are less than thrilled. (They should know by now that I like to give them heart attacks with my adventures). I'm going at the end of May for 2 weeks (3 days after I turn 30--how cool is that!) with Portico. Not sure exactly what all we'll be doing, but I know that one project is an art camp for public school kids and there is a possibility that I'll get to spend some time in an oprhanage. Super excited about that. I could just spend the entire 2 weeks there. My mom said that I can't come home with any babies. LOL Fundraising has begun for our team. We need to raise about $33,000 for 11 of us to go. This is a faith challenge for me. I know that God funds what He favors, but that's a lot of change. Please pray for our team as we fundraise and plan for this trip.

Work has been steady busy with adoption and foster care. I love it (most days!) and it fuels my passion for the heart of the orphan even more. I am so thankful that God is given me this passion and a place to serve Him. I'm learning so much from the families that I work with and they inspire me. One thing God showed me at Ridgecrest that my job is more than a job. It's my calling right now and I'm to love the people put in front of me.

Singleness- well still in this season of singleness, but am learning so much while in it. Don't get me wrong, there are days when I absolutley hate it and hate coming home to an empty house, but God is faithful. He's doing a work in me right now during this season and I know also in my future husband, wherever he may be (in the Sahara desert, with sand in his eyes, trying to find his way back to me! LOL) But seriously, there is a peace and a promise in the waiting. That's amazing to me.

I'm in a great ladies Bible Study- "The Lies that Women Believe" and it's eating my lunch right now! This week is on priorities. I'm still processing it and will write more soon. Portico is starting a women's ministry and I'm on the leadership team. I love the women that God has put together and can't wait to see what all He will do through this ministry.

Okay, I think this is enough catch up for now. (I'm not even sure who reads this anymore!) I'm going to do my best to post more frequently.

Beauty From Ashes

2010-07-30T20:43:00.003-05:00

Kelly's Korner is hosting Show Us Your Life Friday- Share your testimony. As I was reading her blog, I realized that I don't think I had blogged about my testimony. I thought I would share..then I got to thinking, "God has done so much for me..where do I start?" So I figured I'd just share my heart..hopefully it won't be too long!

I grew up in a Christian home and was raised in church. My parents struggled for nearly 10 years with infertility before I was born and the story around my home church is that the church prayed me into the world! At age 7, I was baptized and "prayed" to receive Christ as my savior. I used "prayed" because I realize now it was my lips moving. I had all of the head knowledge of God and Jesus, knew the songs, knew the Sunday school answers. I was the "good kid."

At age 14, some friends from school invited me to attend a play with them. It was called Judgement House, basically a walk through version of Heaven's Gates and Hell's flames. I realized that night, I was lost as I could be. If I died that night, I would go to hell. I needed a Savior. On October 28, 1995, I began a real genuine relationship with Christ.

My teen years were rough. I mean, I wasn't rebellious, but tell me whose teen years aren't rough? My grandparents became very sick at different points, school, I was still trying to figure out who I was, where I was going. At age 16, I was diagnosed with depression. At first, I didn't understand (and I still don't!) but I knew that God was faithful. This has been a battle (I say battle, because some days it is a literal battle.) I've realized that this isn't necessary a bad thing, it's just something that God has given me to make me rely on Him more than ever.

I graduated high school and began my freshman year of college. That year brought about so many changes. I wrote in an earlier post about my ex boyfriend that was killed in an accident. That event literally brought to me knees and I learned so many lessons from my grief, even 10 years later. I became involved in the Baptist Collegiate Ministries and it changed my life forever. I began to experience God for myself- my own experiences, my own learning lessons. I met some of my closest friends to this day and learned about servant leadership. I learned to love missions. I grew in my faith so much during that time.

I remember after graduation, grad school ahead of me, at our last worship service. My friend Joe was speaking and he talked about priorities. He said that God should not be a priority, but the page that we write our priorities on. At that moment, I felt the Lord gently tell me, "50 years from now, it's not going to matter how many degrees you have, how many letters behind your name or how many children you have. What matters is how you live your life for Me." It was a defining moment.

I went to grad school and then moved 200 miles away from family after graduation. I remember thinking "What in the world am I doing? God, where are You?" That was 6 years ago. These 6 years have been some of the most challenging, painful, yet beautiful years of my life. I can't put into words how good God has been to me during these years. I have my dream job in ministry (after questioning my calling to ministry at age 17 for years!) I have seen God provide for my every need, send me family where I am, given me joy beyond measure in little moments. Life looks totally different from my plan: at 29, I'm single, own my home, and have my dream job. There's no husband or children, or even a dog. Not exactly what I had pictured my life to be at this point, but I'm learning that God's timing is perfect. Some days, I look at how messy life can be and how flawed I am as a human being. But then I see how God has and can make beauty from my ashes.

A little about me (AKA: Profile for Kelly's Eharmony/Match.com!)

2010-07-15T18:59:00.007-05:00

I love blogs. Kelly's was one of the first ones that I read. I love her! (even if she is a Razorback fan!) She does this post on Friday's called Show Us Your Life Fridays, where people link back to their blog a posting on a particular topic. Well, this week's SUYL is rather interesting...it's called "All the Single Ladies.." Just check it out for yourself.

I know that I've been a blog slacker lately and am not very connected to the "blog community" (I think i may have 3 readers!) but I thought that I would tell a little about myself so that if I get any new readers then they can know who they are reading about..(could one of those new readers be my future hubby??! LOL :) You never know...the pic at top is of me and my best friend...(my hair is a bit shorter, but still as curly as ever!)

Anyway..

I am 29 and live in North Louisiana. I moved here six years ago from Baton Rouge after graduating from LSU (geaux tigers!) with my master's in social work. I went to work for a hospital as a social worker on the labor unit. I learned so much that first year that I learned that that type of setting was not for me!! I then went to work for a faith based non profit working with children and families in crisis. I've been there 5 years and love it! I have transitioned into working more with adoptions and foster care, which are my passions. I earned my Licensed Clinical Social Work license in Jan. 2009. I know that I'm called to do this, as I've never really seen myself as having a social work job outside of ministry. Now I get to do what I love and minister at the same time...I love how God works.

I grew up in a Christian home, but did not come to know the Lord until I was 14. I walked the aisle at age 7 and was baptized but realize now that I did it because I felt it was expected of me. I was called to the ministry at age 17 but had no idea what that would look like (I'm still learning!) In college, I became very involved in the Baptist Collegiate Ministries where I met some of my closest friends and really grew in my faith. I began to experience God for myself. I did summer missions 2 summers and had a BCM minister who taught me and modeled servant leadership.

family is very important to me. I live nearly 200 miles away from my family, but we talk all the time and I try to get home as much as I can. I love spending time with my friends. I love traveling, although I don't get to do it much as I would like. Last year, I went to Croatia on a mission trip...AMAZING! I love to shop (only if it's on sale..I'm the bargain queen!) read, cook, work out, go to garage sales and thrift stores, paint, and sing. I recently purchased my first house(something I never thought I would do single!) but I love it!

This is definitley a season of change. I've gone through major changes at work(which have taught me so much!) plus changed churches. Not something that I had planned on, but when God moves, He often moves big. I recently read "Crazy Love' by Francis Chan and it really opened my eyes and challenged me. I'm excited to see what God has in store.

I feel like I'm on the blind date circuit! I've been on more than I care to count. Sometimes I think I have a sign that says, "OOOH, set me up with the strangest person possible!" But its all about the experience. I'm the last one in my circle of friends to be married and that's okay. God has taught me so much over the years in my season of singleness. I've realized that marriage is not the be all to end all so to speak. I'm at the point now where I want to share my life with someone, to serve the Lord together, not to make me happy.

This is so starting to sound like a profile for Match. com! :) My top 2 criteria for a husband: Love God more than he loves me, and realize that God loves me more than he ever will. I want to be able to serve the Lord together as a family, on the crazy adventures that God has in store for us. I love my job, but really want to be a wife and mom (and adopt one day too!)

So hopefully, you now feel like you know who you're reading about. Leave me a comment and let me know about you!

Ashley

I know it's been a while!

2010-07-15T18:41:00.004-05:00

I knew that it had been a while since I blogged, but had no idea it's been since February!! Alot has gone on and there may two posts today. Needless to say the past few months have been extremely busy and exciting! Here's some of what I've been up to:

Was in 9 different cities in Louisiana from Feb. to April doing foster care/adoption presentations for churches
Went on vacation to Gulf Shores the day after the last conference and went parasailing! It was so much fun!
Turned 29!
Celebrated being in my house for a year. Hard to believe it's been that long.
Am in the process of my first major home renovation project: my guest bathroom. It's being painted, and the new countertops ordered soon. (I know, eventually I'll get around to posting pics of the house- I really do have one!)
Was MOH for my dear friend Misty. It was a beautiful wedding, but hot!! Nothing like a summer wedding in LA.
Hosted my first wedding shower at my house
Had my first houseguest other than family
The entire family came for a weekend and we didn't kill each other! LOL
My precious "niece" Vivienne turned one and she's going to be a big sister. Aunt Ash can't wait to find out the gender and go shopping!
Went on 2 dates-one of which lead to 2 more dates, but I realized that it was going nowhere fast. The other one- we realized we were better off as friends. Mutual decision and no hard feelings.
Had a spa day- so much fun!
Getting ready for my Maw Maw's 90th birthday party
Have picked up some contract work on the side- extra $ which is always a plus
Read Crazy Love and it totally rocked my world, which leads to my next highlight
I started attending a new church. I'm really excited about it, it's relatively new and small, but very refreshing. It has opened my eyes to a new way of doing church- of church being a lifestyle. So excited to see what God is going to do. Portico
God is showing me so much in so many ways...love it.

I really need to do better at posting. So much to share. On to the next post...

Oh, How He Loves Me

2010-02-14T20:19:00.002-06:00

What a weekend! Friday, we had a rarity in Louisiana..SNOW! and lots of it. It started thursday night and it was a light dusting, but sticking. By Friday morning, I had 5 inches in my yard. It was beautiful. I'll post pics soon. I went to my neighbor's house and had a snow ball fight with her little boy..we had a blast while his dad and sister built a snowman. I walked home in the blowing snow, but it was breathtaking. My magnolia tree was covered in fresh powder. Then I made snow ice cream. I probably didn't do it exactly right, but it tasted good and it didn't kill me!

This weekend, I hosted a group of 8th grade girls for our church's Disciple Now weekend. I was so excited to be able to open my home up for this. I have such fond memories of DNow's from high school and college. It was a little strange to be a host home rather than a leader. I got a lot of strange looks and plenty of "bless your heart"'s when people found out that I was single and doing this. This was my first "function" at my house and I'm so glad that it was D-now.

The theme this weekend was the "Purity Code" by Dr. Jim Burns. Fitting for Valentine's day weekend. The purity code talked about being pure in all areas of life, not just sexual purity. Honoring God with your body, renewing your mind, guarding your heart. Our girls were a little closed off to it, because they feel like all they hear is "don't have sex."

Our speaker was Chad Norrishttp://http://www.wayfarer.tv/about/team/norris.html. Oh my, can he bring it!!!!! I was so challenged and so blessed. My thinking pattern was challenged. I began to look at purity differently...as a lifestyle in all areas. Over the next posts, I'll write more about what I learned..my brain is still processing it all.

Last night's worship was incredible. One of the things that Chad really hit on was that purity should be pursued because of the love that the Father has for us. He really talked about how much our lives would be different if we grasped how much God loves us. That totally blew my mind. I've been a Christian for half of my life, and have been in church my entire life. I sang "Jesus Loves Me" at age 4 at church. I have always heard that God loves me, that Jesus loves me, knew it in my head, but never really knew it in my heart. Chad said that we feel like God is walking around with a billy club waiting to hit us with it because we fail.
How
I've talked a bit about my struggle with depression here. The past few weeks haven't been horrible, but haven't been great either. combine that with Valentine's day, being single, being the MOH for my dear friend in a few months, being the last one still single, well you get the picture. I definitley did not feel loved by God. But that's exactly how Satan works...twisting our thoughts, our feelings, playing with our emotions, stealing our joy, destroying us. I realized last night just how much God loves me...enough to send Jesus to die for me, enough to delight in me. But in order to know this fully, I have to know Him. To know Him by being in His word. Another post there too!

I was feeling rather insecure about being a host home because I'm single. I told one of the breakout session speakers that I want to be very intentional about serving Him while I'm single, but at times I feel like I'm spinning my wheels, waiting for the next thing to happen. She told me to keep serving Him now...in the now.

I want to fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and the perfector of my faith. I want to pursue Jesus as I pursue God in my singleness and in my pursuit of purity. This is going to mean some sacrifices: tv shows, my time, how i take care of myself, etc.

I've always loved David Crowder. After last night, I don't think I can listen to "Oh How He loves Us" the same ever again. Ever.

"He is jealous for me. Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the waves of his wind and mercy." That line has stuck with me all weekend. I woke up this morning, on valentine's day, not hating the day, not sad that I didn't get flowers or have someone special to tell me that they love me. My Father loves me. My Jesus loves me. He loves me fiercly. He is jealous for me. He is in passionate pursuit of my heart.

I don't usually ask for prayer on this blog, but I am now. I want what I learned this weekend to take root. I DO NOT WANT A SPIRITUAL HIGH. I want to be forever changed by what He has shown me. The Enemy does not like this at all. Pray that I will be disciplined in my pursuit of the Father, that I will be thirsty for more of Him, to know more and more of His love for me. That He is wild about me and is pursuing me passionately.

I know that this is lengthy, but my heart is overflowing. He is jealous for me.

Happy

2010-01-23T13:35:00.002-06:00

I stole this from my dear friend, Lyndsey.

a bowl of……Fruit Loops

a plate of…….hot chocolate chip cookies

a stack of…….magazines!

a room full of….family and laughter

a box of….old cards

tickets to….an LSU game

a copy of….the latest edition of SELF

a set of…..cute dishes

a book of….that makes me relax

a day to….do nothing that I have to do

a morning to…sleep late

an evening to…eat dinner with friends

a week of….being at the beach

a case of….Diet Coke

a jar of….honey

a tube of…..lip gloss, any kind:)

a bottle of….Gucci perfume

a pair of…..comfy yoga pants

a bouquet of….stargazers and white roses

a string of….pearls

a bundle of….. warm blankets

a visit from…..my family

a roll of…….address labels

a pack of…..gum

anything from…..Sephora

anything wrapped in….shiny paper

What makes you happy? I thought it was really neat.

Moments of Joy

2010-01-12T21:20:00.002-06:00

As I wrote in my last post, my theme this year is "Choosing Joy." I'm really trying to be intentional with looking for joy in the moments, even when they are mundane or difficult. Here are a just a few joy moments.

My weekly phone call to my Maw-Maw, even if it's just for a few minutes. I'm so thankful that she can still talk to me, even if it's not always clear. I love to just be to able to hear her voice.
A catch up conversation with a dear friend. I loved being able to see what God is doing in our lives now and to be able to look back at where He has brought us.
That my mom and dad want to come visit me "just because." Forgetting the fact that I was just home 3 weeks ago for a week. I think they really miss me!! :)
The authenticity of friendships.
Being able to sit back and see God's hand over my life for the past 2 years.
Finally getting to do what I really love in regard to work (more on that later!)
Being able to sing in church on Sunday. I kind of miss not being in a small church for this reason.
curling up on the couch with my Snuggie and taking a nap.
hearing joyous news from a dear friend
planning for future plans for my house
Being able to say "my house!"
Sleeping late underneath the electric blanket

Choosing Joy

2010-01-03T19:51:00.002-06:00

The holidays are over and I'm ready to get back into a routine! I didn't get a chance to blog over Christmas, but it was a great one. I got to be home for a week, which was so nice. I got to spend time with my family ,and catch up with my best friend from college and spend some time with my friend's little girl while her oldest was in the hospital. I got a Crockpot and electric blanket for Christmas- my two favorite gifts!

I've never been big into New Year's resolutions, simply for the fact that I have really good intentions, but can't seem to stick with it. I was talking with my friend Lyndsey about a theme for the New Year. I'm coming into my last year in my 20's. Yikes! I want this year to different, to be my best year ever, in all areas of my life. I really feel like that God is going to do big things in my life this year, as evidenced by a few things that have recently happened that only He could do. Closure came to an area of my life that I so desperately needed. It stung at first, but it was a breath of fresh air. He revealed to me that even though the past 2 years have been very difficult in a lot of different ways, He has used it to prepare the way for the future.

I'm choosing joy. No matter what happens. I've realized that I determine how I respond to things. (I know, I'm a social worker- I know this- but its different when its you!) I can be miserable and wallow or I can choose to lay it at the feet of Jesus and choose joy. It's a conscious decision. For example, this morning, the garage door was stuck and it was freezing outside. This meant that I had to get out of the car, close the door from the inside of the garage and go out the front door. It was so cold!! But I just took a deep breath and said, "I choose joy." I want this for all areas of my life. I want to have joy and live on purpose.

When I'm buried in paperwork at work, I choose joy because I have a job.
When a parent's choice impacts their child, I choose joy rather than be irritated because God is using me to help their child and them.
When I am frustrated at people's attitude towards me, I choose joy rather than give into frustration.
When I get lonely from cooking for one and eating by myself, I choose joy because there is a table and food to put on it.
When I go to bed at night wondering "How did I get here?", I choose joy because I know that God is with me: walking before me, behind me, on either side, hemming me in, covering me with His love and faithfulness.

I'm choosing joy because the "joy of the Lord is my strength."

Miracles

2009-12-07T20:41:00.000-06:00

I've always believed in miracles, but haven't experienced many of them myself. Until now. And I got to experience two. A mutual friend (well, more aquaintance- friend of a friend) was hospitalized a few weeks ago with early labor at 23 weeks. She had a lot of complications and definitley would not make it to full term. My friend, Lyndsey, called and told me about it, to praying for her. This friend is a new believer and her faith is still growing. We were praying to get past 28 weeks. The outcome was grim. Saturday, R had to have an emergency c-section, she was a few days shy of 28 weeks. The baby weighed 2 lbs and 4 oz and considering all the possibilities, is doing pretty good. Lyndsey told me that she was praying that God would give R some sign of hope that the baby would be okay. The baby was born crying his lungs out and flailing. Miracle! He's got a long way to go, but for him to just have made it alive, is a miracle in itself.

Then today, I got to experience another miracle. This one is a little difficult to explain because I can't go into the details, but just know that it was a miracle that things turned out the way they did. I had a situation at work, that left us with our hands tied. It was bad and there was nothing that we could do. This morning, I prayed, "Lord, I need a miracle. There is nothing else that I can do. I can't do what needs to happen. Only You can." It was a long day, from start to finish. We had so many people praying, I was on the phone with workers, you name it. We had a time crunch of when something had to be done. I was pacing, with panic. Finally, the miracle that I had been praying for, came. The verse "For nothing is impossible with God" became so real to me.

It was not a coinicidence that this happened today, to me. My faith is has been really challenged lately- do I really believe that God can do what He says He can do? I'm not doubting my faith in Him by any means. I think that sometimes we believe God can do what He says He will with our heads, but it is not always easy to believe that with our hearts. I need to believe that God is who He says that He is, that God can do what He says that He will do. I need to believe it with my heart. Even if it takes a modern day miracle for me to see it.

Thanksgiving..the day after!

2009-11-27T19:55:00.002-06:00

I had typed a post last night and then somehow, right before I clicked post, I hit something and it disappeared! I was too tired to type it again! I had a wonderful Thanksgiving, probably the best in a long time. There wasn't really anything different about it, I think it was just my mindset- a bit more appreciative of things. I'm able to be home for 2 days longer because of work, so that's nice.

For Thanksgiving, we made our trek to my great-aunt's house. I love Thanksgiving there! We all cram into the house and the kitchen, and the house is full of laughter and good smells. Although the number of people has gotten smaller over the years, the love and laughter hasn't changed one bit.

Then there was Black Friday- we are crazy! My mom, me, and my aunt hit the mall. We've been going every year since I can remember- I've only missed one Black Friday and that was a few years ago, when I went to the LSU/Arkansas game. I'm almost completely done with my christmas shopping and I got a few things for me-on sale!

Saturday, my dad and I are going to the LSU/Arkansas game. We managed to get tickets from my cousin. I'm super excited...I love the Tigers, even though I don't know much about football. It's just something about being in Tiger Stadium on a Saturday night! And it's something that I get to share with my daddy, so even better!

There is so much that I have to be Thankful for this year. Here are just a few.

My house. The buying process was very stressful, but I'm so thankful that I was able to buy my own home, and be able to make it my own. I'm looking forward to having Christmas parties there, finish decorating it and really "living in it".
New friendships this year. The Lord really knew that I needed girlfriends who were in the same season as me. Two of my close friends both got married this year and another is getting married this summer, so it's been a struggle for me...at times, I feel like I'm constantly being reminded that I'm single. But God knew my heart and has sent me two precious friends that I can laugh with and do life with.
My church- I love my church. I'm so thankful that I belong to a body of believers who are the body of Christ. I am thankful for the worship and teaching that is brought to us each week. I love my LIFE group and how God is using us.
My lifelong friend- my BFF Jessica and my niece, Vivienne. I got to spend some time with them earlier this week. Vivienne showed her Aunt Ash her new trick: blowing bubbles! I love that little girl- can't wait to watch her grow up and continue to steal my heart. I love how Jess and I can go for a while without seeing each other, but we can pick right back up where we left off.
My family- I'm so blessed beyond measure. Not only was I raised in a Christian home with godly parents, but I was blessed with godly grandparents also.
My job- I'm so blessed to be working in ministry doing my dream job. There are moments when I think I want to quit and ask God, "What were you thinking when you called me to do this??" but the hugs and smiles from my kids make it worthwhile.
My college years. Earlier this week, I got to drive through my college campus. I passed by the Baptist Collegiate Ministries (BCM). I hated that it was locked and I couldn't go in. The B played such a huge part of my life during those 4 years and helped me to become the person I am today. There, I learned how to do ministry, the importance of servant leadership and the meaning of true friendship. I grew so much in my faith and walk during those times. I met some incredible people and made friendships to last a lifetime.
Being able to go to Ridgecrest. I spent Labor day in Asheville, NC at Ridgecrest for Single's Adventure Weekend. There, I literally had a mountain top experience (3 miles up the mountain!) but the whole weekend was a breath of fresh air to my weary soul.
Contentment in being single. I know that I often write about this a lot, but it's where I am at the moment. I finally feel content being single, like I've pushed past the wall. I'm not exactly sure how it all took place, but all I can say is that it's the Lord's work. He finally healed my heart and helped me to see that what I thought I wanted wasn't really His best for me, but just a taste of what is to come.
The treasure of friendships. Losing my precious friend Wendi really helped me to see the treasure that I have in my friendships. Wendi was so intentional in all that she did. I miss her smile and her laugh.

So even though life looks very different from what I had pictured it to be at this point, I have so much to be truly thankful for this year.

Dwelling in the Land

2009-10-25T20:28:00.002-05:00

I love Psalm 37...I have all sorts of notes written on the page in my Bible. I was reading this passage the other day and I noticed something that I hadn't noticed before. Don't you just love when God speaks a new Word?

Psalm 37:3-4: Trust in the Lord and do good, dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.

I heard Dave Edwards talk on this passage a few weeks ago and he said that the word land can literally be translated to mean "the will of God." It made me think about the Israelites and how God wanted to take them into the promised land- the will of God.

So in this passage, to "dwell in the land" means to live in the will of God. Dwell means to make at home, to put roots down, to live. I thought about where God has me right now and how I'm not really enjoying it as much as I should be.

Then I read "dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture". To enjoy being where God has me, to realize that the safest place for me to be is in the center of His will. To find comfort in that safety.

To delight myself in the Lord- to take joy in, to find pleasure in Him. To realize that He is my greatest joy, my treasure.

I'm so thankful that He knows the desires of my heart, even the ones that I don't know how to express to Him or that I don't even know myself. I'm so thankful that as much as He wants me to delight in Him, He delights in me even more.

This time last year....

2009-10-14T20:23:00.002-05:00

This time last year, I was in beautiful Brela, Croatia with 50 other women who were missionaries, soaking up the sun and the love of the Father. Well, this time now, many of those same women are in Brela again. As i was traveling on the road today (for what felt like the billionth time in the pouring rain), I reflected on that trip.

It was an opportunity of a lifetime, something that I had only dreamed about doing. I still remember when I got the phone call telling me about the trip and finding out that I only had three days to give an answer. I remember having three specific factors for me to know if I was meant to go: 1. my parent's favor, 2. being able to get off of work,3. finances. I remember standing in amazement as all three of those factors were met in ways that I never expected. I remember our commissioning service at church and the beautiful prayers that were prayed over us as we were at the altar.

I remember when I first landed in Split. It was such an exciting feeling. I loved seeing the city. I remember when we arrived in Brela and I saw the Adriatic sea for the first time and it took my breath away. I remember when the US team met the Brela team for the first time and how I immediately felt like I had known all of them my entire life. I remember the time of worship that we had before beginning the last minute preparations. For the first time, I really felt like I was standing on Holy Ground.

I remember not being sure exactly why God brought me there. I remember feeling useless because i wasn't counseling anyone. I remember the peace and joy that I felt when the lightbulb went off and I realized that I was brought there to be His hands and feet.

I remember the quiet time I had on the sea: sitting on the rocks in the sea, mountains in the background, church bells in the background. I remember being amazed at the work of the Holy Spirit. I had always known about God the Father and God the Son, but had never really understood or known the God the Spirit. I learned to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit, to His prompting, to His guidance.

Even when I returned back to the states, this has stayed with me. I've learned to be more aware of the Holy Spirit, learning to listen to Him, being obedient to the Spirit's movement. I'm so thankful that God is always at work. I'm glad that He had to take me across the ocean to show me that in a way that changed me forever.

Heaven is putting out the good dishes tonight

2009-10-09T23:12:00.002-05:00

You may be wondering about the title. Tonight, my precious friend Wendi went to meet Jesus. Her mom wrote in her fb status that she was sure that Wendi was going to make sure that heaven had the "good dishes" out when she arrived. Wendi was a true Southern Belle and always talked about serving food on the good dishes. I smiled when I read that statement, because it is so true.

My heart is breaking for her family: her parents and brother, her husband and her precious 3 yr old Zoe, who is Wendi's mini-me. But despite the heartbreak and tears, there is a peace. She is in better hands now. A friend of ours said tonight, "She isn't suffering anymore." She's in the place where she longed to be more than anything else. Her lungs are working perfectly so she's able to sing praises to the Most High. She's praising her heavenly Father for eternity. I'm a bit jealous of her....she is finally home.

I was talking with a friend of mine about what I loved about Wendi.

Her Southern drawl
Her ridiculously expensive boots that she bought in New York- Wendi was proud of her stylish boots. "Girl, I just had to have them!"
Her love for kitchen gadgets even though she rarely cooked
Her encouragment to me- "You're the total package- you'll meet him one day" LOL
her stories about her "crazy Aunt mary"
the way that she made everyone feel like a close friend
the love that she had for her little girl
the time that she gave some of Zoe's baby clothes and blankets to me to help a client who needed them
her heart

So tonight, my heart is a little heavy, but filled with joy knowing that Wendi is finally home. Tommorrow, I'm going shopping for some kitchen gadget that I'm sure that I won't ever use...just for Wendi.

Praying for my friend

2009-10-08T21:57:00.003-05:00

This is a picture of me and my friend, Wendi Janway-Jones, that was taken at our circle of friends Christmas party last year. Wendi has been very sick for the past few weeks and will likely be meeting Jesus very soon.

Wendi and I met at church. We didn't really know each other that well until we were a part of the same circle of friends in our women's ministry. Those times were filled with lots and lots of laughter and of course, food!!!

Wendi is amazing! She is one of those people that captures your heart as soon as you meet her. Her smile and her laughter are contagious. She has this Southern drawl that I just love. I can hear her now.."How are you doing, girl?" Or better yet, "That ain't right." Wendi has had a lot of health problems over the years, but you would never know it by looking at her or hearing her talk. She is always so positive, so joyful. I can't think of a time when I haven't seen her smiling or laughing.

Her health has taken a drastic turn over the past few weeks. I was able to go to the hospital about 2 weeks ago to see her and her family. At the time, she was heavily sedated. I've been in many hospital rooms and waiting rooms over the years. Never have I ever felt such a peace in a hospital room as I did when i was in Wendi's room. It was so peaceful. I know that it is because God's hand is on her life and that of her family. So so many people have been praying for her and her family. In a way, the situation didn't seem so tragic as it should have been. Her family knows that the outcome is likely not good, but they know that God is in control and Wendi's life is in His hands.

My heart breaks for her family: for her parents and brother, her husband and her precious little girl. But however, I know that God is sovereign and the God of all comfort and peace. I wish that I had gotten to know Wendi better. However, she inspires me. Inspires me to trust God no matter what, to love deeply, to be a better friend, to have a better attitude, to live life to the fullest.

Wendi's mom has been updating on facebook about Wendi. It's been so encouraging to see the comments that Wendi's friends have posted. Wendi is loved by so many people, she has touched so many lives and didn't know it. What has amazed me the most is to see the body of Christ come together to lift up Wendi and her family. Her family has experienced the body of Christ being His hands and feet: from the cards, visits, goodie bags, food, but most of all: prayers.

So, if anyone reads this (all 3 of you!) please lift up my dear friend and her family.

The day my life forever changed

2009-09-28T19:06:00.002-05:00

I know I've been a little slacking in my posting, but today, I finally got internet at my house, so hopefully I'll be a little better at keeping it up. Now if I can just find my camera cord, then maybe I'll put up pics of my house! It's coming along nicely...i just love it. Right now, my favorite room in the house is the kitchen. It's pale yellow with red, black and white accents.

What I'm writing next is purely for my benefit...my blog is therapeutic for me. If you want to read on, please do. I don't mind. I just have to get it out.

10 years ago today, my life was forever changed. I wrote it about the anniversary last year here. Here's a little backstory: Shane and I were in the same youth group in high school. We dated very briefly, but we remained really good friends. It was the typical high school relationship, i call it the "ping pong" effect.."I like you, you like me, let's date, but not right now...etc" I saw him as someone who I could see myself with for the rest of my life, i loved him, but I knew that no matter what, I would never mean as much to him as he would mean to me. Our relationship was very turbulent at times...we would go months without speaking to each other. Shortly, before I left for college, we had heartfelt talk about us and decided that we would start over as friends and if God wanted us to be together, then we would be together in His timing, not ours. I'm so thankful that we had that conversation. I had no idea what would be ahead for us.

I can remember exactly where I was that day I got the dreaded news. I was coming back from an evening class when I saw a note on my door that my suitemate had my phone and that my parents had called. THere was a message on my machine from a friend of Shane and I telling me that there had been an accident and that I needed to call her or Shane's mom right away. Immediately, I knew it was bad. My suitemate, kristi, came in and told me that there had been an accident, that my parents were on their way, and that Shane had been killed. Time stood still. I can remember hitting my knees, pinching myself, thinking any minute I was going to wake up. I screamed so loud that it was heard on the other side of the building. I just saying, "I never told him I loved him, I never told him. " Shane had been killed in a forklift accident at his job.

My mom and my paw-paw arrived to bring me home..that was the longest hour and half ride of my life. The next day was a blur. I sang at his funeral...something that was so hard, but I'm so thankful that i was able to do that. I remember thinking, "I should be singing at our wedding, not his funeral...our funeral." It was not only his funeral, but a funeral for my dreams. I thought my life was over with...I was so sure that I'd never love again, that my life was over.

The grief was unimaginable. At times, it felt like the air had been sucked out of the room. I could barely hold my head up, barely hold a conversation without bursting into tears. Slowly, God began to heal my heart....it would take several long posts to tell you about that...but it was amazing.

I'd often thought about what life would be like a year later, two years later, ten. Wow, here I am. This has been an amazing journey. I remember a turning point in my journey: on my knees, yelling at God, why in the world did this happen, if we weren't meant to be together, fine, but did he have to die? I didn't understand. In that moment, God met me there. In the stillness, I heard Him gently say, "It's the only way that you would ever know." I know now that Shane was not God's best for me. But love is blind...i think that i wouldn't have seen it any other way.

Today hit me harder than I had expected. It isn't so much of the fact of the loss...I still miss him, but I came to terms with that a long time ago. I think it's just that now life looks different than I had thought it would look now. When Shane died, I knew that my life was going to be forever changed. Iknew that there would be someone new in my life, someone who truly loved me for me, who wouldn't try to change me, who wouldn't love me only when it was convenient.

Last night and today, I've been thankful. Thankful that I'm alive. Thankful that I've learned so much about myself, about God, about the plans that He has for me, thankful that for some reason, He chose me to walk this road. So even though life doesn't look like how I thought it would be, it doesn't mean that God doesn't have a plan. I'm walking along the road with Him leading and guiding my every step.

Long time, no post...not really much to say

2009-08-18T12:38:00.003-05:00

Tess, this is for you!I know it's been a while since I've posted. Things have been busy, busy. Here are a few things that have happened in my world since I last posted.

Celebrated my 28th birthday. 30 is inching closer!
Went to Hot Springs, AR and had the bath house experience. I also experienced falling into a koi pond, ate some of the best salsa in the world and then the next day, slipped and wore the salsa!
I became an aunt! Vivienne Rose made her grand entrance on July 3. Auntie A got to meet her a few weeks ago and she is beautiful. I told her that she was going to be my flower girl and she just grinned.
My friends Lyndsey and Alex got married on July 4 and the wedding and reception were fabulous!
Had a blind date....another one bites the dust.
Had my first get together at my house.
Started a little flower garden on my back patio and are growing mint- haven't killed it yet!
Getting further and further along the road to contentment of being single. God is so good!!

Okay, not much going on. I'll try to update more often!

Time Flies

2009-05-13T18:06:00.002-05:00

I know it's been a little while, as Tess reminded me the other day. (I told her that I'll just have to keep running into her to remind me to update!) A lot has happened the past few weeks, but the biggest is: I NOW OWN A HOUSE!!!-okay, so i'm just a tad excited. Yesterday, after the blinds people left from measuring the blinds, I nearly did a cartwheel in my living room..my living room! I refrained myself because I didn't want to hurt myself, so I did the happy dance and squealed instead. Don't worry....i'll post pictures soon. I love my house! As I was signing my life away yesterday, I kept thinking, "I don't believe this...this is crazy!" But I love it- I can't wait to get it fixed up and have people over and just love the space-no more cramped apartment living.

The other night, I passed by the local college where a high school graduation was being held. Oh, the memories it brought back. Ten years ago, I was graduating high school. I was thinking about this the other day. I remember how scared I was, yet excited. The thought of college scared the mess out of me. I was an adult, but I longed to stay like Peter Pan forever. The thought of being in the real world scared me so much. I remember crying to my mom the first two weeks of school, "I don't look like I should be in college, I don't feel like I should be in college....so why am I here????" My whole life was ahead of me....all the dreams that I had for myself. But all how life changes in the blink of an eye.

My college years were some of the best and the toughest years of my life. I grew so much in relationship with God. I began to experience Him for myself in ways that were unique to me. I made friendships that would last a lifetime. I also experienced grief in a way that I thought would kill me. I had countless experiences. I fell in love with missions and servanthood. I began to discover who I was in Christ and the plans that He had for me. I remember how scared I was when I graduated college. (Are we seeing a pattern here? I'm not a huge fan of change! but who is?) It was three weeks before graduation and I had no idea where I was going to grad school, i was leaving all of my friends and everything familiar behind me. I had no clue what God was doing.

I moved home for grad school and went to LSU-the hardest year of my academic life. It was horrible! But I graduated- I had never been so glad to get a piece of paper in my life! There was still that fear of the unkown, but mixed with excitement too. I had no idea where I was going to live, but somehow knew that it would be okay. God answered my prayers so specifically and it was a new lesson in faith for me.

I moved nearly 200 miles away from home and knew three people in the city that I moved to. Iremember thinking, "What am I doing here? God, where are you?" I knew that God had called me here, but it felt like I was wandering in the desert. The first year was pretty rough. But God is forever faithful.

Nearly 28 years on earth, 10 years out of high school, 6 years out of college, 5 years out of grad school, here I am: living the life that He has called me to do. Now it hasn't been easy and there are some days when I don't understand anything at all, but God has just blessed me tremendously, in ways more than I can ever ask or imagine. He is so faithful when I'm not. Praising Him that He uses broken lights and cracked pots. Thanking Him for the beauty in the ashes, the blessing from the heartache, seeing His goodness and mercies are new every day (even when they are hard to see.) I can only imagine what the next 10 years hold!

He's in the details

2009-04-29T19:54:00.003-05:00

Today, I've been blown away at how God is involved in the seemingly insignificant details of our lives. My house stuff has been a major long drawn out process. But God allowed me to close two weeks later, kept my apartment available, so that I would have plenty of time to move in, paint and all that other fun stuff, without having to be in such a time crunch. With MY original plan, it was going to be a tight, tight deadline. But today, He showed me that He's taking care of me.

Right now, I'm in Dallas for the Christian Orphan Alliance conference. I'm the only one going from my job and I was a little worried how I was going to navigate the logistics of travel from the hotel to the conference, etc. Last night, I prayed, "Lord, take care of this." Well, I get to the hotel and find out that the hotel is offering a shuttle to the conference (which they were not originally). And then at dinner, I end up eating at a table with three girls from Minnesota who are going to the conference too...and we're staying next door to each other! So, not only do I have a way to the conference, but I don't have to ride by myself either. I love it how God works, even when we forget that He is always around us. Are you looking for Him in the details?

He doesn't forget

2009-04-16T13:00:00.003-05:00

Today is one of those days, or rather should I say one of those weeks. Work has been a little more hectic than usual. I was supposed to be in my house as of Wednesday, but now it looks like it may not be until the 1st of next week. It's not that big of a deal, but I've got a narrow time frame and this just makes it narrower. Throw in a lack of communication with the bank and it just makes it a little more hectic.

This morning, a dear friend of mine told me something that she read in her devotion, "I can't change things. But God can." How I needed to hear that. I know that this situation (and so is everything in life for that matter) is completely out of my control but God is fully in control. He's so capable. He is so God and I'm not.

I had an interesting thing that happened this week and it again made me marvel at how God works. A little backstory first: When i was college, one of my BCM friends was in the National Guard and deployed to Cuba. Before he left, he gave several of us names of people in his unit to pray for while they were deployed. My name was a guy named Matt. Well, I prayed for Matt. I never knew anything about him, never heard from him, didn't know anything. That was in 2002. Fast fwd to 2009. I "became friends" on FB with a girl that I went to high school with. Rebecca was a few classes ahead of me. We haven't been in touch since high school (almost 12 years for her!)I saw on her info that she was married to a guy named Matt who had the same last name as my prayer buddy Matt. It's not a very common last name and I was curious to see if it was the same one. So i emailed her to see if her husband was in the guard and deployed at that time. Turns out, it was the same Matt!!!!! I just thought that was the coolest thing....that I was praying for him while they were dating and he was deployed. I love how God works and how He doesn't forget important things. I know that He forgets our sins and I'm so thankful for that...but you know what I mean when i say that He doesn't forget.

This morning, I was thinking about that story and about everything going on right now. I'm so thankful that God doesn't forget. That He doesn't forget about me. That He doesn't forget the secret desires of my heart, the dreams that I have for myself, the secret dreams that no one else knows (going to Croatia was one of those.....i had always dreamed of going overseas and knew that I would one day, but no one else knew that.)

He doesn't forget that I desire to be a wife and a mom above being a social worker. He hasn't forgotten about what He showed me about being in ministry while I was in GA. He hasn't forgotten all the things that He whispers to my heart, even when I'm not still long enough or quiet enough to hear them. He hasn't forgotten about the the hard times of the past few months. He hasn't forgotten about the time I spent in the wildnerness of grief, wondering if I was ever going to find my way out of it. He hasn't forgotten about the times that I question Him, wondering if dissapointment is around the corner again. He hasn't forgotten about the calling that He has placed on my life, even before I was born.

At times, it is so easy to get discouraged and get bogged down with what we don't see or what is going around in our lives. But God doesn't forget about us....for that I'm thankful.

Blind date Blog

2009-03-30T12:09:00.002-05:00

Since everyone on Facebook seemed to be so curious about my blind date, here it goes. :) It was actually a lot of fun, even though I don't see it really going anywhere. He's friends with one of my really good friends, so we double dated with her and her fiance. We ate at Brandy House and had Bananas foster for dessert (so good!) and then went to starbucks. It was very relaxing, not awkward at all and it beat staying home on Friday night cleaning toilets. He lives 2 hours away and I think that we're in 2 very different places in our lives, but all in all, it was one of the more enjoyable blind dates.

House stuff is moving right along...hoping to close on the 15th, maybe sooner. Yikes! Sorry this is so short and boring, but I don't really have much to say! More later.

I'm a big girl now??

2009-03-21T11:44:00.002-05:00

It's been a few weeks since I've posted (as it was pointed out to me last night by my friend Tess) but it has been a wild few weeks, to say the least. Here a few of the highlights:

I bought a house!!!!! I close on Tax day. It all happened so fast, but God has opened every door and the process has gone smoother than I had anticipated. If you're in my area, I know great realtor! I had looked at the house about 2 weeks ago, then last weekend, I went to look at it with my realtor, Sunday made an offer and by Monday after lunch- I was on my way to owning a home. Yikes!!! The only thing I have to do is paint- I don't really like the neutral color that is in the entire house. I have to be out of my apt. on the 30th, so needless to say I've started packing already, because the 8 weeks or so in between now and the 30th are crazy. I love my house--it's in a great location and my close friend lives one street over.
I'm going to have a niece this summer! My BFF Jessica and her hubby Corey are having a little girl! Vivenne Rose should arrive mid July. Auntie A has already started buying girly clothes. I got the cutest little LSU cheerleader outfit...she should be able to wear it for football season. Jess, if you're reading this...don't worry--I've been scouting the sale and clearance racks! :)
I got to enjoy one of the "perks" of my job last week- scabies. OMG!!!! It was absolutley horrible. It was like having poision ivy on steroids...I itched so bad. But I'm cured now and have to be treated again in 7 days. this meant that we had to treat eveyrone in the cottage...fun times.
I passed my LCSW!!! ( I think I already mentioned that--but I'm really excited-its' over with!)
I got to see 4Him in concert last night. It was the first time they've performed together in 3 years-it was so good. Very refreshing. I needed that time to just unwind and worship in the worst possible way.
I could really use some prayer right now. I'm not going to get into specifics, but if you want to know-just ask me.

I still can't believe that I bought a house. Its one of those things that I kind of thought that I would be married when I did, but honestly, there hasn't been a lot of sadness with this.

God is so good. Someone told me last week that God has been so good and gracious to me. I needed to hear that and be reminded of that. He has---I just tend to forget that sometimes. He has opened doors for me that blow me away, put people in my life that love me just when I need it the most, continues to meet my every need, constantly reminding me of His faithfulness. One of my favorite 4 Him songs is "where there is faith." I was really hoping that they would sing it last night and they did. One of my favorite lines of that song is "Hope everlasting in He who is able to Bear every Burden, to heal every hurt in my heart It is a wonderful, powerful place Where there is faith." I was convicted a bit when i heard that line, because sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I feel like I don't trust God enough. I woke up this morning feeling so peaceful- knowing that He is forever faithful.

It's been a while

2009-03-02T18:04:00.003-06:00

I've been a horrible blogger! I passed my LCSW test! I'm so excited and relieved that this is over with and it only took me twice! I couldn't believe my eyes when the screen said "pass"...i kept blinking, expecting it to change to fail. I was telling a friend of mine that this has been a goal of mine for several years. The speaker at my high school baccalauarate service talked about the importance of setting goals and writing them down. I remember doing this and I came across the list a while back when I was at home. I remember some of them being: working in ministry, graduating with my social work degrees, achieving my LCSW, going to seminary. All have been achieved except for the seminary one and God has very clearly shut the door on that one for the time being. I remember something that the Lord spoke to my heart shortly before I graduated college: "Ashley, 50 years from now, it's not going to matter who you marry or how many kids you have or how many letters you have behind your name. What's going to matter the most is how you lived your life for Me." I think about this as I deal with young lives every day. I don't ever want to forget this.

I really feel like I'm in a season of sifting right now. So not fun! But I really feel like the Lord is sifting the clutter out of my life, out of my head, mind, and heart. I'm fasting from tv and facebook for an undetermined amount of time. I was kind of shocked by this revelation, but I really feel like it is what is needed to declutter and get rid of the noise so that I can clearly hear from God. I know that the sifting process involves grieving a situation in which in all honesty, has just been really hard to face. Kind of like its staring you in the face and you refuse to acknowledge it, thinking that its just an illusion. But what I do know, probably better than I wish I did, is that grief takes time. I took a grief class in grad school and found it fascinating to learn that grief is not necessarily related to a physical death, but its more often related to a loss--anything of value or importance, dreams included. I'm so thankful that hope does not disappoint. My God is a God of hope.

I Believe....

2009-01-20T12:49:00.002-06:00

I was reading in my devotion about God's faithfulness in times of trouble. It talked about how sometimes we get so overwhelmed with what is going on that we forget that God has promised to be with us. The verse was Psalm 50:15: "and call upon Me in the day of trouble and I will deliver you and you will honor me." I so needed that last night because lately, I feel like I'm in a tidal wave. Just a lot going on in a lot of different areas. My grandmother is in the hospital again and we're not sure exactly what is going on, but whatever it is, it is wreaking havoc on her Parkinson's. I hate it that I can't be there....I've always had this dreaded fear that something would happen to her before I got home to say good bye. Work is chaotic...show me a time when it isn't! I feel like my friendships are changing all around me and I'm being left behind. Trying to figure out how to enjoy this season of singleness with contentment and joy. Desperately praying to God about something that I just wish He would release me from praying for, but I haven't gotten it yet.

Last night, as I read Psalm 50:15 and the devotion, the phrase "I believe" kept rolling around in my head. So I prayed Psalm 50:15 and then I prayed what I believed:
I believe that Jesus is my Savior
I believe that God is faithful and true
I believe that God has a plan for my life and that He's fulfilling it right now
I believe that going to Croatia was a huge step of obedience and it changed my life forever
I believe that God has me in my job for a reason
I believe that He is enough for me, and more than enoughwhen need be.
I believe that He is working even when I can't see it or don't feel it
I believe that He is my Rock and refuge
I believe that He is my redeemer and sustainer
I believe that because of Him, I have grace and mercy
I believe that His mercies are new every day
I believe that one day I will be a wife and a mom
I believe that God knows exactly what He is doing, if I don't.
I believe that He has placed incredible people in my life, who love me depsite me being well, me. :)
I believe that He knows my heart's desires, even the ones that I'm not sure of myself.
I believe that He will allow me to pass my LCSW test!!! (coming up in a month or so!-uggh!)
I believe that He is faithful even when I'm not.
I believe that He is with my family, even when I can't be there.
I believe that He brought a certain person into my life, even though right now, for the life of me, I can't figure out why.
But above all this: I BELIEVE IN HIM---IN THE POWER OF THE CROSS, AND THAT HE HEARS ME, THAT HE IS FAITHFUL AND TRUE.
So what do you believe??

Praying for Kelly and Harper

2009-01-17T17:54:00.002-06:00

Please pray for Kelly and Harper. I love reading Kelly's blog. She and her husband have tried for several years to have a baby and were told that it would be impossible without extensive infertility treatment. They didn't feel like God was leading them in this direction, but also didn't feel like they were to give up on having a family. Well, surprise, surprise!!! Kelly conceived without any medical help! She gave birth to a big ( 9 lbs, 12 oz) baby girl, Harper Brown, last night. Almost immediately, Harper began having breathing problems and it just went downhill from there. She was airlifted to Children's Hospital in Tulsa with a grim prognosis. But thousands of prayers have been prayed and Harper is improving..nothing short of a miracle.

A friend of mine and I both read Kelly's blog. We feel like we know her and Scott. I'm so thankful for the body of Christ and the way that the Holy Spirit unites our hearts. Last night, she and I had a worshipful, sweet, powerful time of prayer for Kelly, Scott and Harper. As we were praying, Psalm 117:18 came to mind: "I will not die but live and will tell of what the Lord has done." This has been a verse that I have clung to in times of heartache and fear. I know that the Lord is in this situation and will be with Harper. Harper will have a story to tell....that she is a miracle. Continue to pray for them as Kelly travels to be with Harper and Harper improves.

A few of my favorite things...courtesy of the Letter M

2009-01-16T16:51:00.002-06:00

I've been tagged by Laura. So here are ten of my favorite things that start with the letter M. These are in no order...this was not as easy as I thought it would be!

1. This is one of my favorite people...my Aunt Mabel. She's well into her 80's, but she is a hoot!!! She always keeps me laughing...you never what's going to come out of her mouth!
2. M&M's, especially the dark chocolate ones or peanuts...need I say more.
3. Music- any and all kinds
4. magazines- especially People
5. Maw-maw's chicken and dumplings
6. Made of Honor- one of my favorite movies
7. Mystic Pizza- another favorite movie- one of Julia Robert's first movies
8. Missions
9. ThinMint girl scout cookies!
10. Mylos Coffee House- this is me and Sara's favorite place to hang out.

So there it is!

2009

2009-01-05T12:43:00.002-06:00

I know it's been a little while since I've posted...let's just say that I've been enjoying my vacation! I was able to spend a week at home and it was wonderful...but I was ready to get back to my own little apt and my life here. But I got to catch up with lots of friends and family and spend some QT with my parents, which was nice. I had a good Christmas....but I can definitley tell that I'm getting older-less presents under the tree! LOL But I get my big Christmas present this weekend---I'm going to see Celine Dion in New Orleans! I'm soooooo excited and can't wait.

I came back home with the itch to clean and get organized. It had been a while since I really "purged" my apt. so I spent a few days doing that. Now, I just have to tackle my bedroom. Baby steps, baby steps! It's amazing how much stuff you accumulate and I'm only one person! But it did feel good to see progress.

I think I had the best New Year's this year that I've had in a while. I didn't really do that much, but it was definitley the company. I hung out with my friend Brandi and watched Bucket List. Such a great movie-- I laughed until I cried. Then we talked, watched the ball drop, toasted the New Year with our sparkling cranapple juice, and ended the year on our knees in prayer. I couldn't think of a better way to end 2008 and start 2009. I think that this may be a tradition for me...it was so good to be thankful and reflect on the lessons learned in 2008 and focus on the year ahead.

I'm not one to get big into resolutions, but of course I want to exercise more. A friend and I were talking about the new year and what we wanted out of it, our resolutions if you want to call it that. The one thing that kept coming back to me was that I want to be better. A better daughter, a better friend, a better worker, a better supervisor, for my life to be better. Better than it has been before. Then Pastor Bill's sermon was right along with the same thing: to have a new purpose for the new year. Now I'm not quite sure what better looks like, but at least I know that I have direction...I know that He will show me. There's always room for improvement.

Christmas Memories

2008-12-11T17:14:00.002-06:00

I can't believe that Christmas is almost here!!! Is it me or does the space between Thanksgiving and Christmas keep getting shorter? If I can just make it through next week....then I'm off for a week! I'm so looking forward to going home, catching up with people, and not doing anything on a schedule and celebrating Christmas with the people that I love the most.

Christmas always gets me all nostalgic, so I thought that I would take a stroll down memory lane with some of my fave Christmas memories (these are no order!)

1. Black Friday Christmas shopping. Ever since I was a baby, my mom, me, my aunts and my Mee Maw would hit the mall, dressed in our Christmas sweatshirts and Christmas socks. ( I know, dorky!) We sit up the night before and map out all the sales.

2. Being on TV when I was like 4 or 5 while we were Black Friday shopping. My mom and Aunt Jane chased the camera guy around until he put me on TV. It was the year that the cabbage patch dolls were all the rage.

3. Christmas Morning breakfast casserole with cranberry juice. Oh so yummy!

4. Going for breakfast with my parents on Christmas eve morning.

5. The year that we almost didn't have Christmas Eve- the big freeze. It came a huge freeze and my Maw-Maw's pipes froze. I think we ended up having ham sandwiches.

6. We used to always have Christmas at my grandparents and they would always have a tree. Well, I was 9 years old and it like 3 days before Christmas and they didn't have their tree up yet. Maw Maw said that she didn't think they would put one out that year. I was horrified! Christmas Eve rolled around and there was a tree!!! My Maw-maw, who was well into her 70's at the time, had gone into the woods behind the house and cut down a pine tree and decorated it. Now, it looked like the Charlie Brown tree, but that is one of my favorite memories!

7. Making candy with my mom.

8. Going shopping with my dad for my mom's present.

9. Adopting a family for Christmas and going shopping for them.

10. Our church did an outdoor living nativity scene. It was soooo cold. It came time for the wisemen to get ready to go out and no one could find them. They were sitting in one of men's Lincoln town car with the heater on! That was the year that the Wise Men came to Bethelem in a town car.

11. Another time during the pageant, it was so cold that the seats froze! The wind was so brutal and bone chilling. I was the angel on top of the manger scene--I almost fell off because the wind was so strong!

12. Going with my church to look at the Christmas lights and ending up in the ghetto.

13. Another time at the pageant, I played Mary. I had to dance around. I kept praying that my "belly" wouldn't fall out. It was interesting to say the least.

14. Going to the tree farm to cut the tree and hearing my dad gripe the whole time there. (if it were up to him, we wouldn't have a tree! He hates putting it up.)

15. Going to the Christmas pageant at First Baptist Zachary with my mom and grandmother.

16. Christmas eve service

17. the Lottie Moon post office at church

18. going to the nursing home with my GA group

19. making christmas ornaments

20. watching Christmas movies

What are some your favorite memories?

For a season

2008-12-04T17:23:00.002-06:00

Disclaimer: This post may not make a bit of sense to anyone and it may seem like I'm complaining or moaning. It may contain references to being single, but that's where I am. but I need to vent- so there it is! :)

I love the holidays. I love spending time with both sides of the family and seeing my friends, being home long enough for mom to take care of me, having days where I don't have a plan for anything. I love my family but I long for having someone to share the holidays- someone that I can make memories of our own with. I dream of spending time with each other's families, buying presents for each other, starting new traditions. I kind of thought that this year would be a little different, but its not. So it's okay, but it hurts. Not going to lie.

At Thanksgiving this year, I got to meet my cousin's wife. They've only been married for 2 years, but I don't see this side of the family too often, so it was my first time to meet her. I love her..she's super sweet and she's my age so it gave me someone to talk to. I've always wanted to bring someone to the holidays. The ladies played the "Dirty Santa" game while the guys were in the other room watching football and doing other guy stuff. It made me kind of miss that I didn't have someone there in that other room, even though I thought maybe this year I would. My two closest friends here were both spending the holidays with their boyfriends. I thought that this year I would be too. We've never been dating anyone at the same time and have often talked about how fun it would be to do things together. I'm happy for them, yet I kind of feel left out. Like its always someone else but me.

I'm trying me darnest not to sit on the "pity potty" as my mom calls it. I know that the holidays are not about being with someone. I've been given the greatest gift, Jesus. I realize the true meaning of the season is not about me at all and know that every holiday won't be spent "as the single girl."

The holidays always make me kind of reflective and I also usually get this away about the end of the year- about 6 months before my birthday. Not sure why, but it almost always happens. I was really hoping that this year was going to be different. But I know that God isn't through, that He loves me for me, that He can see the bigger picture, and I''m so thankful that where I'm at right now is only for a season.

Thanksgiving and Tag

2008-12-01T17:05:00.002-06:00

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving! I spent great QT with family, ate way too much, got almost all of my Christmas shopping done, and found out that I'm going to be an aunt!!! I'm super duper excited that my BFF Jessica (who is like my sister- we've been friends since we were 12) is pregnant. She called and told me on Thanksgiving day- best present ever!! I got her and Corey a little goodie bag- I had so much fun shopping for Baby B. I can only imagine what I will be like when I know what color to get.

I've been tagged by Laura. So Here goes!

8 Random Things About Me

1. I rarely take showers. I love a good bubble bath or just to soak in the tub. When I was in grad school, I was always up late studying and there was nothing that I loved more than a late night bath.

2. I once played basketball against Britney Spears. No joke! Our schools were playing each other and I noticed this girl run down the court. She looked like the girl off of the Mickey Mouse club! No one believed me, until I asked for her autograph. She wasn't all that friendly, but I can say that I met her. I think I still have the autograph somewhere.

3. I was Prom Queen at my senior prom. The King was nearly two feet taller than me, so we had to kneel to take our pictures. Everyone kept taking our picture- I felt like i was with the paparazzi!

4. I never eat the crusts on my sandwiches. Not really sure why, but I don't like to cut the crusts off either.

5. I am the only person in my entire family(both sides too!) with curly hair. If you've ever seen my curls, you would know why this is so shocking!

6. I hate for my feet to be cold- I'll wear socks in the summer!

7. My nickname in school was Peaches. To this day, I have no idea how I got it.

8. I've only missed one "Black Friday" shopping trip since I was a baby - and that was to see the LSU vs Arkansas game last year. Every year, my mom, my aunts, and my Mee-Maw would put on our christmas sweatshirts and Christmas socks. We would look at all of the sale papers to map out where we wanted to go, what stores first, etc. Our motto: Never pay full price if you don't have to!

I tag: Kelly

Thankful

2008-11-26T12:13:00.002-06:00

I made it home for thanksgiving! I'm so glad to be at home and am ready to see my family. Tonight, I'm learning how to make pecan pie-yummo!

I "stole" this from Laura http://www.thehortonfamily.blogspot.com (i wish I knew how to just put her name and it link- anyone??) but I thought it was perfect.

The ABC's of Thanksgiving

A – Amazing Grace
B- babies
C- going to Croatia
D- being a Davis
E-Eternal life
F- friends
G- my grandparents
H- being able to always go Home
I- my independce
J- my BFF-Jessica!
K- the Kiddos in my life (Deanna, Daniel, Abram
L- lazy Saturdays
M- music
N- naps
O- the outdoors
P-PEOPLE magazine
Q-quiet evenings
R- being able to be at home and Read
S- Sephora and Starbucks
T- God's Truth
U- being bundled Under my flannel sheets
V- Very slow times at work
W- being able to work in a ministry and a job that I love
X- Xcitement in my life when God surprises me
Z- getting a good night of Z's

Happy thanksgiving!

In the Waiting

2008-11-21T18:19:00.002-06:00

I know it's been a while...i've had tonsilitis and feel like I've been running like a chicken with my head cut off! But I'm feeling much better and looking forward to a weekend in Natchitoches with some friends for the Christmas light festival....the weather should be perfect!

The Lord has been showing me so much lately, but I've realized that I have a problem in receiving all of it. Being still! I was in bed last night, trying to wind down. My head is usually spinning- my thoughts running over the day, tommorrow, all that stuff. I felt the Lord whisper to me, "I'm doing a great work in you. Slow down so I can show you more!" I want to sit and listen to Him, even if I know the Truth might be hard to swallow. I have so much that He needs to strip away, to make me more like Him, in His image. However, wanting to do it and doing it...very different things.

Last week, God just rocked my world with an answer regarding my post, "Hands Tied Behind My Back." Although the answer wasn't ideal, the peace that I feel is incredible. I know that He heard my cry, heard my prayer, my plea for an answer. He didn't forget about me. It came about in a way that only He could do. Now comes the hard part...waiting and trusting in Him. I tend to "think musically" and there is a song that I love by Greg Long, called The Waiting. If I can remember parts of it.. "I want a peace that goes beyond my understanding and the promise that will come, from the blessing of the waiting." So I will wait. I will wait on the Lord to move in my life, to move big. To move in me. But I'm so thankful that waiting is not passive. Just because I wait on the Lord, does not mean that I do nothing. I will still love Him, I still will seek Him, I will still serve Him, I still will follow hard after Him. I know that it will be worth it...not only the result, but the blessings that will come from waiting on Him. God is never too early, never too late, His timing is perfect. It will not be easy. There will be uncertainty, tears and joy mixed in there too. So I wait for Him.

Answered Prayers

2008-11-13T16:35:00.002-06:00

So many times, we mention things for prayer and then we forget to praise Him for the answers...or let people know that they were answered! Before I left for Croatia, I posted some specific things to pray for. I know that many of you (or the few who read this!) prayed for these things. The prayers were felt...it is beyond words to describe. I never in my life had felt the prayers of people before so powerfully- from the days leading up to the trip and while we were there. So I thought that I would share the list and show that they were all answered!! God is good!!

Traveling safety--we had some trouble in Memphis, but we got there safely, despite nearly missing our flight to Germany!
Wisdom in counseling the women- it was so neat, sometimes the words would just come out and I was like "where is that coming from??"
Compassion- i was able to love these women
Unity for the team- both the US Team and the Balkan team--Whoa!!!!! The unity here was incredible...I felt like I had known these women my whole life. We were able to pray and worship together- it was so beautiful.
Strength- we kept going and going
Endurance- - wasn't too bad
Spiritual renewal in the lives of the women- amen!!!! Brokenesss, fresh faith, joy, grace was abound
Laughter for these women- Lots and lots of laughter---a cheerful heart is good medicine.

I am changed....I am not the same. This trip totally transformed my life. I experienced the power of prayer in so many different ways. My God is good!

What Family Looks Like....

2008-11-06T17:38:00.003-06:00

November is the month for Thanksgiving and is usually when we talk about what we are thankful for (even though we need to be thankful all of the time-not just one time of the year.) Last night, I was reminded of one thing that I am truly thankful for...family. Yes, I'm thankful for my parents and my extended family, but last night I was thankful for my "adopted family."(not really the word I was looking for, but I couldn't think of what else to call it.)

I think that as a single person, you begin to define family differently. The definition changes and your circle expands. I've known the H family for probably all of my 27 years. J and I went to the same church and her parents have known my parents, and she was my children's choir director. She married E and they had D. I changed his diapers! Then they had their Princess D and shortly after that, E became my youth minister. Princess D and I have a bond like nothing else I've ever experienced. I love her like she is my own. She couldn't say my name when she was little so she started calling me "Nana." 11 years later, I'm still Nana. I remember her chubby arms reaching for me to hold her and her sticking her lip out when I didn't do what she wanted me to do. Then came A, who is 100% boy. Ahh, I love that kid. I can still remember him singing "Jesus Loves Me" on the phone to me when he was about 3...made Nana's heart smile. On a recent visit, out of the blue, A asks me, "Nana, are you fam-i-lee?(that's how it sounded!) And I said, "Well, I'm kind of like family." He replied, "Then, how come you don't look like my mama?" (they are all blue eyed and blonde haired--if you know me, I'm not!!) The H's are a constant presence in my life. Besides going to church with them, I would stop by to see them on my home from college on the weekends. When I started grad school, they moved to North La. A year later, I followed.

I can't begin to describe how much this family means to me. E has been a great example of obedience to me. J is the big sister that I've never had. She has listened to me moan about being single, listened to my frustrations at work, and let me crash at her house on the weekends. Last night, we were talking about how the kids were growing up so fast (they are 14, 11, and 6..yikes!) J made the comment about a situation with Princess D. She said, "I wanted to tell her...talk to your Nana about this!" That made me laugh. And feel needed. And feel loved.

As a social worker, my help is often not wanted by people. And certainly, in their mind, not needed. There are many days where I feel defeated, like I'm wasting my time, feeling a failure. And sometimes, being single makes it worse. I know that marriage is not everything, but it would be nice to feel valued, needed.

I've realized that in this season of singleness, God does a variety of things to meet my needs. He has given me friends that are amazing, adventures that I could have only dreamed about, and family that loves me. Even if they look a little different from me.

Lessons from Croatia

2008-11-05T16:45:00.002-06:00

I've got so much to talk about in regards to Croatia!! So I figured I may need to do it in pieces, although the pieces will probably not be in any particular order! I learned so much from this trip. Probably the biggest lesson (and by the far, the coolest!) was more about the Holy Spirit. I've always known God the Father and the God the Son, but while in Croatia, I really began to know God the Spirit. Learning about how He moves, how He speaks to me, how He guides me, how He is unseen yet felt. The whole weekend was Spirit filled and led by the Holy Spirit--probably because the whole thing was bathed in prayer from both sides of the ocean!

On Saturday morning, the morning session was awesome. It ended up being nearly a full hour of pure worship and pure praying--genuinely loving each other as sister's in Christ. I met Sherri at the conference and she was in my small group. Sherri is in her mid forties and lives in the US. Earlier in the year, one of the missionaries came to her church and they kept in touch. 3 ago, God told Sherri to come to Croatia, she wasn't sure why, just to come. So she came with the missionary to the conference and was a huge help and blessing! She really felt like God was calling her out from where she was from--she just wanted to be obedient. During the morning session, I prayed over her. Just praying for wisdom and direction. I often think "musically" and in my prayers, it is no exception. I was trying to think of the words of a particular song while I was praying and they wouldn't come. I just prayed, "Lord, let her run with reckless abandon to You." She shot up and her eyes were wide as saucers and she had this huge smile on her face. She asked me, "What did you say? Did you just say Reckless Abandon? Did God tell you to say that?" I told her yes, it just came out. She told me that three years ago, to the week...she felt God lead her to write this poem, entitled..."Reckless Abandon"! She had never told anyone about it and had not looked it at since. She had the poem on her computer and showed it to me...it talks about running after God. We both just sat there in amazement and laughing...God showed up!! At times during the conference, I felt like a waste of time because I wasn't counseling. But God sent me from the South to Croatia to be there for Sherri. It was incredible!!!! You just have to be willing...you never know what He is up to!

Tagged

2008-10-29T11:45:00.002-05:00

I "stole" this from Laura's site..i thought it was fun and different.

I am: determined
I have: a job that I'm called to do
I dislike: being lied to
I miss: my grandparents
I fear: that I'll never get married
I think: that gas prices are coming down
I know: that Jesus is my Savior
I have no idea: how the Presidential election will turn out
I want: a house of my own
I hope: that I will get a phone call soon
lI feel: productive
I smell:my heater
I crave: chocolate chip cookies
I cry: when I am extremley tired
I search: for the the bottom of my desk!
I wonder: did i do something wrong?
I regret: being so selfish
I love: spending time with my friends
I care: about my "kids"
I always: take a bath at night
I worry: about the future
I am not: perfect
I remember: spending time with my dad when I was little
I believe: that God is in control
I dance: to God's grace
I sing: All the time!!
I don’t always: do my best
I wish: my dreams will come true
I listen: to my IPOD when I clean
I don’t understand: how people can harm an innocent child
I can usually be found: at work!
I need: to see my family soon
I forget: lots of different things
I am: blessed beyond measure, loved by God

Now, It's your turn!

Hands Tied Behind My Back

2008-10-26T18:59:00.002-05:00

I know that everyone is waiting to hear about my trip and that will come...soon. My computer is still sick and now I'm at work (yes, I know it's Sunday, but I had to come on campus for somehting else, so I decided to check my email here.) This post has something to do with my trip, well at least with lessons learned from the trip.

The conference theme was "Moving to the Rhythm of His Grace." That was so powerful to me...to learn to walk to His pace, to His steps, to His guiding. Which leads me to the title, "Hands Tied Behind My Back." One thing that God has shown me lately is the need for surrender. Surrendering of everything. All of my plans, my dreams, my agenda. For example, at the conference, I was supposed to be there as a counselor. There were 50 women there and I had at least 6-8 slots. I saw 4 people all weekend and one person twice. I think if I had told her that she could come for the rest of the available times, she would have. I really didn't do much counseling, I just listened. I was feeling a bit defeated, like, "Why did I come here?" But when I let go and acknowledged the fact that God had called me here and that I answered the call, He used me in incredible ways.

There is a particular situation in my life (it's a good one, it's just that I'm not going to get into specifics here..if you want to know, ask. I don't mind telling you.) that is very difficult for me to surrender to the Lord. But I want to, I need to. I want to lay it down at His feet and leave it there, not pull it back. One of the hardest things for me is to realize that i'm not in control. (anybody else relate?) I want this so badly, to work out, to be great. But I'm also realizing that it can't be great, it can't even be possible if I don't lay it down. Last night, I was praying about it and the image of my hands being tied behind me came to my mind. That' s what I pictured: me at the feet of Jesus, laying this burden at His feet, humbly bowed, but my hands tied behind me so that I can't pick it back up, even if I wanted to. Strange. But honestly, that's how I feel. Lord, keep my hands tied as long as You need them to be. Teach me to walk in Your rhythm of grace, to your speed.

I'm back!

2008-10-21T12:22:00.002-05:00

I made it in last night around 8:30. I've never been so glad to be back in the USA! Now, I'm still reeling a bit from the jet lag. The conference was incredible!!!! I'm still processing everything, but God was able to do increasing more than i ever thought was imaginable or possible. I was just willing. Croatia is absolutley gorgeous. I had a great quiet time in front of the Adratic Sea. I had a wonderful time, but am ready to get home. Work awaits me tommorrow, and I've already been warned that it is chaotic. But I'm going to trust my God to meet my needs. More later!

Leaving on a jet plane...

2008-10-11T09:34:00.002-05:00

My bags are almost packed...and I'm getting ready to fly out on Monday to Croatia. I'm super excited. The Lord has been so good! Friday was a very smooth day at work, I'm way more organized and almost fully packed, the Lord provided for my every need for this trip through some very dear friends, a dear friend washed, waxed, vacummed and had the oil changed on my car simply because he wanted to give back to me. Wow! I still can't believe that I'm going to Croatia! I'm super excited for the opportunity to serve these precious women. I can't wait to hear about what God is doing in their lives in the Balkan area, and to also just encourage them and love on them. I need this trip as much as they do. I need to be renewed, refreshed, recharged, challenged, refocused. I'm already reaping the blessings of being obedient, but I can't wait to see what else God has in store for me.

Going overseas has a been a desire of my heart for several years, one that I only shared with one or two people. I knew that one day I would go overseas, even if just for a short time, but had no idea how, when, where, or even how God was going to do it. But He blew me away....rocked my world with this opportunity. I just had to be faithful in the here and now. In where He had me today. "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 36:4. How true this is!!!!!!! I'm seeing that in more ways than one.

I'm going to try to blog some while i'm there, but internet will be scarce. I have unlimited text messages, so I may try to text some. Feel free to text me! They are 7 hours ahead, so if you get random texts at odd hours, it's me!

A few things to pray for:
Traveling safety--especially for the 8 hour flight from Germany to Croatia!
Wisdom in counseling the women
Compassion
Unity for the team- both the US Team and the Balkan team
Strength
Endurance- it's going to some long days, not helping- jet lag
Spiritual renewal in the lives of the women
Laughter for these women

Thanks for the prayers. See you in a week!

New Chapter

2008-09-28T18:31:00.002-05:00

Okay, I know it's been awhile since I've posted!! But my computer is still sick and things have been crazy busy with work, life and Croatia! I leave two weeks from tommorrow! I'm so excited....I'm so grateful for the opportunity be able to go...God doesn't forget our secret dreams!

Today was sort of a milestone for me...but this time, in a good way. 9 years ago today, my ex-boyfriend, Shane, was killed in a forklift accident. (I think I mentioned him in a previous post...if not and you want to know about it, just ask. Don't really feel like typing it all out here..besides its not that important anymore.) Every year up until about the past 2 years, I've dreaded this day. I made sure that I was busy, either out of town, with friends, whatever, anything to keep me from thinking about it. Today, it hit me while driving home from BR, what day it was. As time went on, this day got easier, so much that I often have to stop and remind myself what day it was.

Today, instead of being sad, I was thankful. Truly thankful. Grateful. Thankful that God knew what He was doing all along, thankful for His sovereignity, thankful for the lessons that I learned, thankful for the way that He restored my broken heart and gave me new dreams, thankful for Shane being a part of my life, yet equally thankful that things did not turn out the way that I wanted them to. It was a sweet time of worship, just pouring my heart out to the Lover of My soul, to the Great Healer, who loves me. My soul welled up with thankfulness. 9 years ago, I never would have in a million years imagined this day...the day that I would be truly okay with the way that things turned out...that I would come to accept God's will, no matter how much it hurt. There were days when I could barely breathe...i felt like the air was sucked out of the room, that I couldn't quit crying, that I was so mad, that I just didn't understand. Now my days are filled with laughter, joy unspeakable, new hope, and new dreams.

I feel like a new chapter in my life is beginning. It's incredible to see how God has worked in my life over the past 9 years, and to where He brought me today. I remember in my grief, there were days when I was certain that I would never smile again. Over the past few days, I haven't stopped smiling! I was sure that my life was over...little did I know that it was just beginning. Oh, how God is good!

Hurricanes

2008-09-03T13:15:00.002-05:00

Growing up in South La., we never had snow days. Instead we had hurricane days! You could usually bet that you would get at least one or two days off of school a year during hurricane season. Hurricane Andrew was the worst...no power for like a week! Ahh...bliss: being stuck inside with 90 degree temps, no tv, no nothing!

I was supposed to go vist my parents for Labor day, but Gustav changed my plans. So instead, I went to Dallas for the weekend...cheesecake factory, shopping, new shoes...fun stuff! I've been off of work yesterday and today because of the flash flooding. Luckily, i've not lost power. My parents on the other hand...not so lucky. They've been without power since Monday and it's not showing any signs of being back on any time soon. And my grandmother is staying with them because the nursing home lost power and was forced to evacuate. My mom's patience is wearing thin. My grandmother has Parkinsons and is on tons of medicine and doesn't handle change very well. So pray for them! It's been kind of nervewracking for me because I know they are safe but I can't go home and am not sure when I'll be able to get down there. At least the phone connections are better than Katrina.

The rain has been soothing at night to go to sleep, but certainly not when I nearly got stuck in my neighborhood yesterday. I was trying to be good and work out, but only got halfway out of my neighborhood before I decided to turn back. All this rain is making me in a funky mood! But at least the sun is out for now. More later!

A lot going on

2008-08-25T10:50:00.003-05:00

I'm still here! My computer is still sick, and I've finally gotten internet at work, but my blogs have not been consistent still, as I was reminded of this last night (thanks, Patrick!) A lot has been going on: new project at work finally is up and running, doctor's appointments and tests (I've had this sharp pain in my side for nearly two weeks..not fun!) getting ready to go to Croatia, life in general!

This weekend I went to columbia for my old youth minister's surprise 40th birthday/5 year church anniversary party. The kids were so excited to see Nana and made Nana feel extra special..ahh, i love these kids, but it's so nice to leave them at their house! LOL

So much has happened....a lot of reflection going on. But I will share this cool story that God has used to rock my world. A few posts back, I mentioned about my dear friend who was diagnosed with cancer and facing an uncertain road. About three weeks ago, he was having further tests to see what type of treatment needed to be done, stages, etc. Well, he called me a few days after he had the tests done and the doctors gave him a clean bill of health!!! No cancer any where! And on top of it...there was no evidence of scar tissue from the three previous surgeries nearly four years ago. I was speechless!!! I've heard of stories about people who have had this happened to them, but I never knew anyone personally. I saw how sick my friend was....so sick that he was in so much pain that he could barely lift his head. I was reminded of Thomas when Jesus told him to place his hands where the nails had been...that was the only way that Thomas would believe. Sometimes seeing is believing! This just reminded me of how God is truly the Great Physician and that He is still in the miracle business. I think sometimes we forget this. So look around, God still performs miracles! More later!

i'm still alive

2008-08-11T09:55:00.001-05:00

Just a quick update....i'm still here! my internet has been down on my computer at home and at work!!!! I promise I'll write more soon! But my news is this: I'M GOING TO CROATIA!!!! I'm super uber excited. It's a mission trip to lead a women's conference for missionary wives. I'm going as a counselor. I'm thrilled beyond belief, amazed at how God put all the pieces together. More soon

Pondering, Processing, and Praying

2008-07-30T22:26:00.002-05:00

Not much to write tonight, except that I could use really use your prayers right now. An incredible opportunity has presented itself, and I just need direction and clarity. I'll write more soon. It's exciting. And no, Dean, I'm not quitting my job. :)

10 years ago

2008-07-29T20:42:00.002-05:00

I was talking to my former youth minister's wife the other day and she was asking what year did the youth group first go to camp with them. It was the summer of 1998. 10 years ago! yikes! After I hung up with her, I thought back to that summer of 1998. The summer that would forever change my life. 10 years ago, I surrendered to the ministry. I know that as Christians, we are all called to the ministry, but I think that God calls us all to different ministries in different forms. Enough said...i really don't feel like getting into a theological debate over this one. LOL

I remember it as if it were yesterday. We were at Student Life camp at La. Tech. I was student leader with my youth minister. We had a group of middle schoolers. Ugh! To a soon to be senior in high school, middle schoolers, are well, uncool! :) The week was okay. I just didn't really feel like God was speaking to me or doing anything in my life that week. Oh, He was. I hadn't gotten to the last day of camp yet. The last session, Rick Ousley was speaking about committment and being called to serve God. He gave an invitation for people to come forward if they felt called to full time ministry. Well, of course, I didn't go down because He wasn't calling me. I stood in my seat, eyes closed and just worshiping Him. Then I heard Him. "Serve Me." So clearly. Right to my heart. I just stood there, not moving, not saying anything tears rolling down my face. My youth minister's wife, Jodi, was standing by me and I just turned to her and she hugged me. I couldn't say anything. (she later told me that she knew what was going on!) The next few days, I was a wreck. Did I hear God? What did that mean? Did He really call me? I knew that if I said yes to Him, then that was it...I had to obey.

The next week, I went to another camp with a different church. I spent that time just praying, asking God to show me what to do. Satan was having a field day with me...doubt, confusion, fear, the works. One day,during the week, I turned to Romans 11:29, "for God's call and his gifts are irrevocable." There was my answer. When I got back, I talked with my pastor. I still had no idea what it was that God was calling me to do. Bro. Bill told me that I didn't have to know right now. I just had to be obedient. God would show me. I had always thought about being a missionary or doing ministry work, but never felt the call. But now, God called me. And oh the places I would go.

God has given me some incredible opportunities over the past ten years. He lead me to a great BCM where I was challenged in my faith and learned so much about servant leadership. He fed my heart for missions by allowing me to be a summer missionary for two summers and go on various mission trips. I was a GA camp counselor. I taught countless preschool classes for VBS. I thought for sure that seminary was in the plan. It wasn't. God shut that door (or should I say, slammed it shut!) I could go on and on about all that He has shown me, but I don't think there would ever be enough room!

Along the way, God has clarified that call to ministry a bit. I still don't know exactly what my ministry entails. I don't have to know. He does. I remember after my last summer missions experience, I felt Him whisper, "Serve Me with your whole life." I've often wondered does that mean marrying a minister? Traveling overseas? Seminary? A few months ago, I seriously considered being a Journeyman with the IMB in Kenya. I told my parents and my boss. (both flipped out!) But I felt God leading me to do this. The door eventually closed, but my faith was challenged. God wanted me to be obedient.

As I was traveling today, I thought about my ministry over the past ten years. I thought, "Have I made God proud of me? Is He proud of how I've lived my life? Have I used this time or just wasted it?" I thought back to my senior year of college. Graduation was looming and I was more confused than ever. I really wanted to go to seminary, which didn't look it was going to happen. I knew I had to go to grad school, so I was faced with the decision between two schools. I kind of had the mentality of that I would meet my husband at the BCM. Well that certainly didn't happen! My friend, Joe, was speaking at our chapel about priorities. He said something that has stuck with me. "God shouldn't be a priority. He should be the page that we write our priorities on." As I listened, I felt God whisper to me, "50 years from now, it isn't going to matter how many letters you have behind your name,or rather you were married or not. What matters is how you lived your life for Me."

So now I have my dream job in ministry, but that still doesn't matter. No matter what I do, I'm going to live for Him.

Growing Pains

2008-07-23T20:36:00.003-05:00

What a week this has been! Although it has been much better than last week, Praise the Lord!!! I am finally able to see accomplishment from the past 9 months and can see the fruit of the often tedious labor. My "baby" will hopefully arrive sometime next week...I don't mean a real baby, but my big project that feels like my baby. I had plans for the weekend with a friend, but that got changed. I found out that I have to be in SW LA on Monday for an adoption meeting, so i was planning on leaving on sunday. Then I found out I have to head to Baton Rouge for something but i can tie in a trip home, so a lot of traveling the next few days...not a great time to be out of the office, but it works.

Lately, I've been feeling the effects of growing pains. I'm growing up. Yikes! Not that I haven't already realized this, but now it just seems more obvious. I've been out of high school for 9 years, out of college for 5, out of grad school for 4, and have been a social worker for 4 years. It's so hard to believe how far God has brought me. I feel the pain of the stretching and growing that God has been doing in my life. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes we don't realize the beauty of the pain, the growing pains, until afterwards. I talked to someone today who had struggled with infertility for several years and was told that there was no way that she would conceive without medical intervention. Surprise!!! She's pregnant!!! and without any medical intervention! She told me that now she can see the beauty in the pain of infertility, of how God ordained every part of the journey, how He told her to simply "Be still and know that I am God."

The past few months have been some of the most difficult in my life. But I have seen God move, I have seen Him grow me in ways that I never thought were possible...the growing pains haven't been so bad after all.

About me

2008-07-21T23:02:00.002-05:00

I saw this on Lots of Scotts http://www.lotsofscotts.blogspot.com.. thought it might be fun for something different!

What were you doing 10 years ago?Getting ready to start my senior year of high school and dreading graduation ( for some reason, I was terrified!)

Favorite Snacks:chocolate chip cookies, fruit, yogurt

To Do List: not a huge fan of this, but my new job is forcing me to like it...what's on it: for work, too much to list!

Jobs I Have Had:Babysitter, file clerk, social worker, camp counselor, summer missionary

Places I Have Lived: Just Louisiana, if you don't count living in rural NW Arkansas for 10 weeks!

Bad Habits:eating out way too much, being a clutter bug, not listening very well

5 Random Things People May Not Know
1. I played basketball against Britney spears. No lie! 2. I have an autograph of Matthew McCaunaughey (signed to me!) 3. I sang at Hound Dog Hot Dog stand in Nashville, where Tim McGraw was discovered. 4. I love fitness magazines, but am not a huge fan of exercise,(although I did go work out tonight!) 5. I was a summer missionary for two summers.

.CDs I would want if stranded on an island:Chris Tomlin, Andy Davis, Josh Groban, Celine Dion

What I'd Do if I Were a Billionaire: buy a house, buy my parents a new house, adopt a child, go to seminary, travel, donate to missions, go overseas on a mission trip.

I tag: Sara, Leslie, Laura.

Without Schedules

2008-07-19T21:40:00.000-05:00

I have had a great weekend, especially since it started on Friday! I didn't really do anything special or anything that I had to do, which made it even better. I slept in, had coffee with a friend, went window shopping at some stores that I will never shop at and now know why I don't shop there! (250.00 for a dress...not for me!) Spent some time at hobby lobby, ate a delicious chocolate with peanut butter icing cupcake from Curlz's Cupcakes (if you haven't been there yet, you're missing out!) painted, not a whole lot of anything that I absolutley had to do. Then today, I slept really late (10:30!!) and then decided to have some friends over for dinner, ran to Walmart, cleaned, and made peach cobbler. Ahhh....it was so nice to just go at my own pace.

Tonight, I had my friends, Brooklyn and Foshe, over for dinner. They are getting ready to move to Nashville next week. I first met Foshe when he came to our life group last summer then met Brooklyn when they started dating. They got married in December and I had the honor of singing at their wedding. (What a day that was....due to major traffic issues, I got to the church right as the wedding was supposed to start!!) We just talked about life, their move, nothing in particular. As we sat there talking, I was kind of sad. Sad that this would probably be the last time that we were all living the same area, sad that I wouldn't get to see them at church anymore, but most of all, sad that we didn't get to know each other better. I mean, we're friends, and we hang out, but really get to know them.

Life gets in the way sometimes. We get busy. We put it off until later. Then later comes and it's too late. The moment has passed. Tonight, I brought some leftover cobbler to a friend who just moved into my apt.complex. I was thinking, "Why don't I do this more often for people?" I love doing things for others. It's just that sometimes, I get so precoccupied with me. I can barely keep up with my own schedule, barely make time to get the necessary things done. Doing for others kind of falls to the wayside.

I kind of liked living without a schedule for the past few days. It has birthed in me a desire to be more intentional, less rigid. It made me realize that life is so busy, that I need to slow down. I hope that you can experience one day without a schedule....it's a challenge!

Friday

2008-07-18T09:18:00.000-05:00

After a rough week, I'm off today. Not really sure what I'm going to do, but whatever it is, I'm going to enjoy it! Be sure to stop by the Pink Potpourri. It's Friday Giveaway! http://www.allieparkersthoughts.blogspot.com Happy Friday!

Breathe In, Breathe Out

2008-07-15T20:44:00.000-05:00

The past few days have been crazy, and that's putting it mildly! My week started Sunday night when I spent 5 hours at work dealing with a situation. The situation carried over onto Monday, then the licensing people showed up unexpectedly, you name it happened. A lot of the duties regarding the licensing people fell to me, and I needed 5 of me yesterday. I was so cranky, if one more person told me how tired I looked or asked me if I felt bad..I wanted to just yell "Shut up!" and run away. Now, I know this not is exactly what Jesus would do, but in my humaness, that's what I felt like doing. Thankfully, I didn't.

Last week, I came across this great blog www.lotsofscotts.blogspot.com and the writer was talking about going to the Deeper Still conference with Beth Moore, Kay Arthur and Priscilla Shirer. I've never heard Kay Arthur, but Beth Moore and Priscilla Shirer are incredible! Anyway, she talked about this song that Priscilla read. It's called "He Is" by Aaron Jeoffrey. (and yay, it's available on I tunes!!!) I was in high school when I first heard this song, and it blows me away as much now as it did 12 years ago. It's one of those that I can listen to over and over again and thanks to I tunes, I can. LOL But seriously, the words are incredible.

Several times over the past few days, I have listened to this song before I went to bed. In the dark, just listening. I desperately wanted Him to breathe into me the very being of who He is (if that makes any sense, it just came to me!) I wanted to know truly that He is the breath of Life, that He is my song, that He is the glorious treasure, my restorer, above all my Redeemer. I don't ever want to forget who He is....day by day, moment by moment. So I'll take it one day at a time, breathing in and breathing out.

"He Is" by Aaron Jeoffrey

In Genesis, He's the breath of life
In Exodus, He is the Passover Lamb
In Leviticus, He's our high priest
In Numbers, the fire by night
Deuteronomy, He's Israel’s Guide
Joshua, He’s salvation's choice
Judges, He’s Law Giver
In Ruth, the kinsmen's redeeme
r1st and 2nd Samuel, our trusted prophet
In Kings and Chronicles He is Sovereign
In Ezra, He’s the true and faithful scribe
In Nehemiah, the re-builder of broken walls and lives
In Esther, He’s Mordecai's courage
In Job, the timeless redeemer
In Psalms He is our morning song
In Proverbs, He is our wisdom's cry
Ecclesiastes, He's the time and season
In Song of Solomon, He is the lover's dream
In Isaiah He is Prince of Peace
In Jeremiah, the weeping prophet
Lamentations, the cry for Israel
Ezekiel, the call from sin
Daniel, the stranger in the fire
Hosea, the forever faithful
Joel, the spirit’s power
Amos, the strong-arms that carry us
Obadiah, the Lord our Savior
Jonah, the great missionary
Micah, the promise of peace
Nahum, our strength and shield
In Habakkuk and Zephaniah, He's brings revival
In Haggai He restores that which was lost
IN Zachariah, He’s our fountain
And in Malachi, He's the son of righteousness rising with healing in His wings
In Matthew Mark Luke and John, He is God Man and Messiah
In the book of Acts, He is the fire from Heaven
In Romans, He is the grace of God
Corinthians, the power of love
Galatians, freedom from the curse of sin
Ephesians, our glorious treasure
Philippians, the servant's heart
Colossians, He’s God and the trinity
Thessalonians, our calling King
In Timothy, Titus and Philemon, He's our mediator and our faithful pastor
In Hebrews, the everlasting covenant
In James, the one who heals the sick
In 1st and 2nd Peter, our faithful shepherd
In John and Jude, He's the lover coming for His bride
AND in the Revelation, , He is King of Kings and Lord of Lords,
Prince of Peace,
son of Man,
Lamb of God,
The Great I am,
Alpha and Omega,
God and Savior
He is Jesus Christ the Lord
And when time is no more, He is!!

Love Them Like Jesus

2008-07-11T21:28:00.000-05:00

Tonight, we had our staff banquet at work. It was a lot of fun, good food, lots of laughter. It's kind of our last "hurrah" before things pick back up and get in gear. Every year we have a theme as a staff. This year it's more of a song, but still a theme. It's "Love them Like Jesus" by Casting Crowns. (I'm blog illiterate, so I have no idea how to add music or links...help anyone?) My boss talked about how we need to love our kids like Jesus does, that this is evident in our actions. We also had a testimony by a friend of a former resident who talked about the impact that our agency had on her life.

I got an update on some of my kids (once Miss Ashley's kid, always Miss Ashley's kid) and my heart just broke. I wanted to run right to them and wrap them in my arms and love on them. Love the pain away. Love the lies away. Love the anger away. Love the disappointment away. Love the hate and hurt away. To love them like Jesus. These kids are so dear to me. It's one of the few times that I can say that it really got to me, that I "brought work home with me." I remember the sleepless nights, the feeling of total and utter helplessness, of my hands being tied, being unable to do anything, feeling sick at my stomach. I love these kids as if they were my own. I was in the trenches with them for nearly two years. Talk about seeing the good, the bad, and the really ugly. I cried with them, I laughed with them. (one of them even threw up in my car...now that's devotion. LOL)

I watched as my worst fear came true. I was helpless. Nothing at all that I could do. At times like this, is when I question my calling. Did I hear God right? Social Worker??? I'm not a miracle worker. I have to remember that God is in control and is sovereign, even when it doesn't make sense to me. It doesn't have to make sense to me. My job is to simply love them, love them like Jesus. So I'll love them when my heart hurts, I'll love them when they hurt. I'll love them like Jesus. Who do you need to love like Jesus?

Crossed Paths

2008-07-09T21:18:00.000-05:00

We are so connected in this world! It's amazing how many people that I've re-connected with and connected with via Facebook (I guess all this technology isn't so bad after all!) and blog world. Today, I had one of those re-connections. I got a message on Facebook from one of my childhood best friends, I'll call her D. It was a total shock and surprise. I haven't seen her or talked to her in probably 9 years. D and I played softball together when we were in middle school and part of high school. That's also how I met my BFF Jessica. During most of our middle school and high school years, we were the Three Muskateers. We were inseparable. We did everything together,softball, sleepovers, all of the usual girly stuff. D's family was very different from mine, and well, D was very different from me. It was crazy that we were even friends. I know that I tried to live my for Christ so that she would see Him in me, but I can't really remember if I ever talked to her about Jesus. If I did, she probably just rolled her eyes at me.

D's parents made some choices that affected her and then she made her own share of poor decisions. Our lives were totally different and we went down different paths. I kept up with her from time time through her sister, but that was sporadic. I knew that she was married and had a baby. So imagine my surprise when I heard from her. We messaged back and forth. I told her about my life now and she told me about hers. She said that she was happy, but she sounded utterly miserable. I got to thinking later: she is where I want to be. She's married and has a family. But I realize that those things are not going to bring me happiness and peace. Christ alone will. My heart broke for her. Of course she's miserable. She doesn't know the One who can bring her joy, fill her life and her heart. I don't think it's any coincidence that she just "happened" to email me. I pray that God will use me to witness to her. Even if it is with my life, because she may still roll her eyes at me. That' s okay. I'm going to love her anyway.

Weekend..unplugged

2008-07-06T19:29:00.000-05:00

I had a wonderful weekend..unplugged from the internet and most of the time, my cell phone. I made great time on Thursday and got in before dark. Friday, we got together at my aunt and uncle's house and grilled out and just visited. We got my Maw Maw from the nursing home, and for the first time in a while, all the grandkids and great grands were there. We bought some fireworks for the little ones to shoot and it was so funny...somehow the bag of fireworks caught on fire! I think one of the little ones had a sparkler and the sparks touched the bag..all of sudden, I was like, "My feet are hot!" and then I looked down to see the bag on fire. Breland was standing where the grass caught on fire..he couldn't figure out what was going on!

Friday night, me and the folks went to Barnes and Nobles for coffee. I picked up a travel book for NYC (which hopefully, I'll be visiting next year!!) and the new Andy Davis CD. (no relation!) Andy's dad used to be my former pastor and his mom taught me in Sunday School. I'm not a big fan of pop music, but oh my goodness, the CD is incredible!!! check him out at www.myspace.com/andydavismusic

Saturday, I went to my Maw Maw's to "clean." She moved into a nursing home last year and we're getting ready to rent out her house, so I went to see if there was anything that I wanted. I got some of her costume jewelry, two children's books, a plant stand, and my favorite...this little wooden chair that all of the grandkids used when we were little. I discovered something Saturday..I think I inherited some of my packrat tendecies from her! The woman has saved every card that was ever given to her (it was like 4 boxes!) and I found a chest that had dr bills from 1965!!! it had a four cent stamp on it, lab work was $3.00, dr visit was $17!!

I got to thinking as I was looking through her stuff...why do we hang on to things? Do we think we're going to use them again? That we may one day need them? Are we too afraid to let go? What happens when we stockpile...the pile just grows and grows and can be huge to tackle. I looked at this from a different angle....we often hold on to things in our life...jealousy, bitterness, pride, fear, the list continues. Eventually the piles grow and grow, they rot, they become difficult to get rid of. So just something to think about...what are you stockpiling?

Part of the Journey

2008-07-02T22:01:00.000-05:00

Fourth of July is this weekend...I'm so excited for the chance to get away for a little while and just spend time with my family. This 4th July marks 4 years that I have been on my own in the real world. I moved 4th of July weekend. I remember how scared and excited I was. I was fresh out of grad school, ready to change the world. (Ha! social worker, remember?) I was moving away for the first time, but not just on my own, but 200 miles away! I knew no one, except for my old youth minister and his family, who live about 30 minutes away from me. I remember that weekend being so busy of trying to get everything unpacked, my pantry stocked, learning my way around town (thankfully, Walmart was right across the highway!). I remember when it came time for my parents to finally leave, my mom was fighting back the tears and we kept putting off saying goodbye. Finally, I was like, "Okay, just go. We're both a blubbery mess!" She cried and I cried. I had no idea what the next four years would teach me.

Moving away has been the best decision that I have ever made. I always said that I wanted to live on my own before I got married. I learned to be dependent on God for everything. I remember many nights, crying on the phone to my mom, because of how lonely I was. He sent me incredible friendships (including one random meeting at a Bible Study!- Sara!). He lead me to an incredible church family. I never realized how important your church family was until I moved. I remember when I joined the church I attend now, Pastor Bill said, "I know how hard this is for you. We want to be your family."

My job....my job. I moved here to work at a hospital. What a learning experience that was!! I learned so much...i had to be careful not to let my eyes pop out of my head. "Now you're 21 and this is baby number...4??" There were some days where I absolutley loved that job, then there were days where I hated it..with a passion. I remember sitting in my dear friend and 2nd mom, Sheryl's living room for bible study. I just cried about how miserable I was in my job and that I knew that God had called me here, called me to be a social worker, but how I didn't know what to do. We prayed. We cried. We prayed some more. It was so neat to see over a period of time how God just guided my every move to where I am now. I'm in my dream job. (well, most of the time it is...)

I look back over the past four years. I'm amazed at the person that I've become....my mom was telling me the other day that she couldn't believe some of the experiences that I've had and that I'm where I am today. Me neither. My God is so gracious, so merciful, so faithful. There were days when I wanted to throw my hands up and move back home. I remember one time actually thinking, "I want to move back home, at least I actually have friends there." I very quickly learned here who were my friends and who weren't, but I'm so thankful for the friends that I do have! Four years ago, I never would have thought that I would be where I am today. Now, granted part of that included that I thought that I would be married by now. but that' s okay.

This part of the journey has been long: winding roads, twists and turns, heartache, disappointment, uncertainity. The journey has also been beautiful: lessons of grace, hope, faithfulness, mercy, seeing God meet my every need, seeing Him break me down to mold me into who He wants me to be, learning to see that He is more than enough for me, that He truly satisfies.

I'm not sure what the next four years will look like, or even next week. But I know that wherever He leads me, I will go.

Another Lesson Learned...

2008-07-01T17:48:00.000-05:00

Do you ever just feel like that God keeps trying to show the same lesson repeatedly, but for some reason, you just don't get it? I know that we've all been there. I think that mine has been lately is "Slow down." Some days I just feel like I'm on auto pilot, flitting from one thing to the next. Slowing down is an important thing. Think about why we have speed limits, why there are signs that say "Slow Down, children at play." When we move too fast, we don't pay attention, we get careless. Slowing down prevents major things from happening.

Yesterday, I had a prime lesson in this, but it was also a lesson in grace. I shared some information from a dear friend in the form of a prayer request. (I know, I know..typical Christian execuse for gossiping) but honestly, I didn't even think about the outcome. I got the email and hit forward. Only later when someone else asked me about it, I was like, "Oh, shoot. " I didn't even to stop to ask if this was okay. I felt horrible. So i called my friend and apologized. I was crying, I felt so bad, like sick to my stomach, "I can't believe that I just did that" bad. I was expecting anger and hurt, but instead I got compassion and grace. He told me that he understood and that it was okay..it made it easier for people to know how to pray for the situation. I was still crying by this point, but felt much better. It could have been so much worse. What was an honest oversight could have had major implications.

I was thinking about this...how when we get so caught up in life, we forget to live wisely, to be careful, to slow down, we forget to think. God, teach me again to slow down.

Scavenger hunt

2008-06-29T22:11:00.000-05:00

Last night, my LIFE group had a photo scavenger hunt. It was so much fun..I haven't done one of these since high school. My team lost, but it was a lot of fun. Here are a few things that I learned:

Police officers do not like donuts.
The backseat of a police car is very UNCOMFORTABLE! NO CUSHION! (i experienced this one!)
You'd be surprised at how many people you can cram into a bathtub in an apartment.
Total strangers look at you really funny when you ask them to take a picture of you or if you can take a picture of them.
Toy stick horses are impossible to find.
A dog is considered a wild beast (especially when it gnarls its teeth at you)
Trying to take a picture of your team jumping in the air...not as easy as you would think.
You can spell the word "FUN" with your body..standing up.
Skateboards are a rarity.

I'm looking forward to the next two weeks...off at 3:00! Then the end of the week, I'm heading home to see my family for a long weekend. I'm looking forward to it..although by Sunday, I'm sure I'll be ready to come back. I love my parents, but then I'm reminded that I kind of like living on my own! We're having a family get together and I'll get to see my Maw Maw and other family that I haven't seen in a while. Okay, off to bed!

Things that Make me smile

2008-06-27T21:30:00.000-05:00

This was my "light" post from the other night that I somehow managed to delete. The past few posts have been kind of deep, so I thought I would share some things that make me smile or laugh. It's so easy to get bogged down in the chaos and junk of life that we forget to "smell the roses." These are in no particular order!

White roses. I love any kind of flower but white roses are my absolute favorite. They're going to be in my wedding bouquet.
Matthew McCaunaghey- especially when I get to see his smiling face every day. Seriously, I have an autographed photo to me in my apt. It's a really cool story how I got it. Ask and I'll tell you!
Babies.
The smell of rain
Trips to the beach
Trips home
My weekly phone call to my Maw Maw
Thanksgiving dinner in Franklinton
Shopping the day after Thanksgiving
Watching Steel Magnolias for the billlionth time
How my mom falls asleep every time she and I try to watch a movie or TV together
Spending time with my dad
How my dad "complains" about me coming home. "So, when are you leaving?" He really does miss me, rather if he wants to admit it or not.
Starbucks with Jessica
Passion Iced tea lemonade and tofee almond bar from starbucks
Riding with misty in the mustang with the top down
Listening to my Ipod
Sleeping late on Saturdays
Spending the day doing absolutely nothing important
Reading
scrapbooking
Painting
When Deanna and Abram call me "Nana"
People Magazine
Singing
Reading other people's blogs
Listening to rain
Pedicures
dark chocolate
Blind dates--okay, I need to clarify here. Not that I particulary enjoy these, but I just laugh about some of the ones that I've been on. I'm not opposed to them either, so if you know someone... :)
Cleaning while listening to my Ipod (for some reason, I only like to clean while I'm listening to the Ipod
Missions
trips to mylos and target
traveling
listening to Abram sing
breakfast at Franks
cookies from Daily Harvest

I'm sure there's more...but that's all for now. I know that everyone likes free stuff, so head over to the Pink Potpourri http://allieparkersthoughts.blogspot.com Have a great weekend!

Whole

2008-06-25T20:40:00.000-05:00

I had a typed a nice, light post last night, then forgot to save it! Don't you hate it when that happens? I really didn't feel like typing it again...another day. Today was a good day. Busy as usual, but good. I had lunch with some dear friends, including the one who I mentioned earlier that has cancer. It was nice to just talk, even though I felt like we were all avoiding the elephant in the room..the cancer. But the purpose of today's lunch was to minister to him and not focus on it.

I had to run some errands for work and then go to a meeting, so a good chunk of time was spent in the car. As I was in the car, I realized something. I felt different. I can't really describe it, just different. Not in a bad way. Just more relaxed, focused, at peace. Then I realized it later on in the day, for the first time in a long time, I felt whole. I knew that God had been at work. Surprise, surprise!!

I guess I need to back up a bit...and this is difficult to talk about, but I feel like God has carried me through the battle to minister to others. Off and on for the past three years or so, I've battled (and I say battle, because ask anyone who has been there, it is a battle!) depression and anxiety, more anxiety the past few months. I've been on medication and to counseling, both which have helped tremendously. I have a family history of depression, so that makes me more prone. From time to time, i've struggled with why this is happened to me. I've often said, "I feel like this is a curse, rather than a blessing." I've pleaded for God to take it away. I think that Christians feel like that they are in a bubble, that they are immune to it. I've struggled with the why, the thoughts of "who in the world is going to want to marry me because of this?" Over the recent months, I've realized that this is just something that I have to surrender to Him every day....it may not necessarily go away. But that He is enough...one thought that He gave me a while back was "This may be bigger than you, but it is not bigger than Me."

I've started trying to make a consistent effort to be in the Word (Laura, loved your post about spending time with Him- drowning out Hannah Montana!) I know that He is working in me...I'm so glad that He keeps on when we give up...I think that I had given up on being made whole. Now I'm not saying that I'm going to stop my meds or that I've been completely healed. I just feel whole- not missing pieces or feeling totally flawed. I have no idea where He is taking me next or what He will continue to do. Niole C Mullens has a great song out called "One Touch" and it talks about the woman with the issue of blood, who just wanted to touch His garment. I heard her at Women Of Faith and she sang this song...it is so powerful and said exactly what my heart was saying, if only I could touch just a bit of Him. So wherever you are, reach out....just brush the hem of His garment.

Seizing the Moments

2008-06-22T22:33:00.000-05:00

You know how when you hear a sermon, you feel like God is talking to only you in the room? That's how I felt today...first off, the worship was incredible! You could feel the presence of God in the room. It's like Pastor Bill always says, "If that didn't get your fire going, then your wood must be wet!" The sermon was talking about seizing the most of the opportunities that God gives us but that sometimes there are giants in our midst. Pretty much what I got out of it was that no matter what the circumstance is, no matter where He leads me, my focus has to be on Him. Satan wants to distract me by turning my attention to the giants, and then causing them to mulitply, then I get so disoriented that I just throw my hands up in frustration and give up.

I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to be afraid to let go and say, "Okay. Here I am." I had a wonderful coffee time with my friend Sara the other night. We just talked, even though I felt like I was just rambling, about what God has been doing in our lives. You know, how you know that there is something going on, but you're not sure how to put it in words and then it feels like it's just jibberish when it comes out?

This morning, I felt renewed. I want to seize the moments that He gives to me....wherever He calls me to go, whatever He calls me to do. I felt hope, like this is going to be okay. I have no idea where this part of the journey will lead, but I don't have to know. I know that it will take effort on my part, but I know that God loves me too much to leave me this way. I want to be intentional in all that I do...life is too short. I found out today about a very dear friend whose cancer has returned....its really made me think...this person has the heart of a servant, is always putting others first, who has reached out to others and to me. So often I find myself complaining about my situation or feeling sorry for myself..but then I realize that it could be a lot worse. I want to live...not just merely exist, but live to make it count. I want to seize every moment that God gives me, especially the ones where He wants to change me.

Raw

2008-06-18T22:28:00.001-05:00

I started to title this about being real, but then again, that was in an earlier post. God has been really hammering the word "real" into my head and heart lately. I've been in a place of self discovery, you know where you just kind step back and take a look at yourself...yuck! I don't like what I see. I was vulnerable and had two of my closest friends help me to see the forest in spite of the trees. I treasure the friendships with these two people more than they will ever know..(one of them is probably reading this! Love you Sara!) It's always a scary thing when you are vulnerable to people...you have to willing to be real and not be defensive or take offense. It was a hard pill to swallow with what I was told, but in all honesty, it was truth....total truth. I realized how shallow I am at times and how I limit God by setting these unrealistic expectations and standards...that I'm not trusting Him completely, that I don't think He is enough for me.

I've neglected my relationship with the Lord and I'm paying for it dearly. You know you just feel like all areas of your life are just out of control..like you just can't get it together, like it's just out of your grasp. The thing about it is I KNOW what I need to do...I'm just stubborn and afraid. Afraid of what I will find when I'm really honest with Him, afraid of what He'll show me or of what He will ask of me. (like going to Kenya!) I remember one time in a season of growth that I was afraid to be real with God and I felt Him whisper to me, "What are you afraid of? I'm not going to love you any less." Maybe that's what I'm afraid of. I promise i think in another life, I could be a Pharisee...i get so legalistic sometimes...that I think by just "doing" will be enough....uh, no...that misses the point completely. I know that until I am fully satisfied in Christ that no earthly relationship will do. But will I ever be there? (This question rolls around in my head alot!) I long for a husband, to be a wife and a mom....but I think that (well, more like I know) that the longing for Jesus is deeper...nothing compares. I need to focus on living loved by Him alone.

Tonight, I sang in chapel for work. I wasn't sure what I was going to sing until just a little while before it started. I sang the old hymn "Take My Life and Let It Be." I love the words of the entire song.... There is a line in there that I just absolutley love and I pray that it will become the cry of my life and heart...."Take my moments and my days, let them flow in ceaselss praise."

Am I ready for the pruning that needs to take place? I think of my heart compared to a wound that has difficulty healing. (Bear with me, I used to be a medical social worker!) When a person has a severe wound, debridement often has to take place. This scrapes off of the dead skin so that the fresh, new skin can surface. It's painful, very unpleasant. I feel like that this is what needs to happen to my heart...that God needs to scrape off of the junk: the pride, the shallowness, the fear, the legalism, the perfectionism...so that I will have the heart and life that He wants me to have. I know that this may seem very random and scattered...it may be, but it's my randomness and it's late! So, I want to choose to be scraped, sloughed off...laid raw before God so that He can restore me...so that my days may flow in ceaseless praise.

Father's Day

2008-06-15T13:19:00.000-05:00

Once again, on Father's Day, I'm not at home to celebrate with my dad. This is nothing unsual..I honestly don't think I've been home on Father's day since i was in high school. I was always gone to camp or summer missions, and now I'm away from home. But never fear, I always manage to get a card and a gift..and a phone call. I got my dad the cutest card that describes us so well..it had a little girl sitting on her father's lap and said something to the effect of "I'll always remember what you used to tell me.." and then you open it up and says in big letters, "GET OFF OF THE PHONE!" That is so true...daddy used to say that I had a case of telephone ear.

Pastor Bill talked today about the man model and how men need to be in regard to their families, children, etc. I reflected on my dad. I love him to pieces, even if he can aggravate the fire out of me. (but hey, aren't dads supposed to do that?" My dad was and still is (to my mom) the provider for our family. From the time that I was about five until his recent semi retirement, he worked two jobs. Granted, this meant I didn't see him as much as I would like, but he did this for his family. His goal was to get me through college debt free...that was achieved and even grad school. I always knew that he loved me, even if I didn't always hear him say it. (my dad is a man of few words.) But he has the biggest heart of anyone that I know. It is because of his example that I have the career that I have today..he has taught me to give. I can remember he and I collecting toys and other items throughout the year to take the battered women's shelter, taking food for the food drive, buying toys for the Salvation Army. I have seen him help out two of his coworkers who are single parents by buying Christmas for their kids and helping my roomate out financially for college after her mother died. All of this without fanfare or recognition. He is a hard worker...always doing the right thing. Most importantly, he loves the Lord. I recently got to see my dad baptized..talk about thrilling my heart and answering a silent prayer of mine for years. He had grown up in church and was baptized really young, but just wanted to be sure that he knew the Lord. So a few months ago, my quiet, 60 year old daddy was baptized. When i found out that this was going to take place, my heart just sang (and I said it aloud a few times too!) "My daddy knows Jesus!" Ahhh...words cannot describe how that felt.

My parents have been married for 36 years. They have made it a priority to tithe and have passed that on to me. My mom told me that when my dad lost his job when I was three, she came home to find him working on the finances, and saw that tithing was at the top of the list. My mom said that she wasn't sure how they were going to make it, but knew that they would give to the Lord first. My dad is a Vietnam veteran...talk about sacrifice. Enough said.

I hope that one day, wherever he maybe (in the Sahara desert with sand in eyes, trying to find his way back to me!) my husband is just half the man that my daddy is. Dad, I know that you're not reading this, but I love you....thanks for being my dad!

The Beauty of Being Real

2008-06-11T21:39:00.000-05:00

Ahh..the beauty of being real. I just experienced this and well it was refreshing. I went to the gym tonight for the first time in several weeks and ran into one of my closest friends here. Brandi and I work opposite schedules so being able to spend time together often requires a great deal of planning. So imagine my surprise when I saw her at the gym tonight. After our workout, we went to the park and got on the swings. I felt like a kid again, no care in the world. I had forgotten how much I loved to swing. We talked about where God has her right now and what all she has learned from a relationship that ended. Then we drove back to get my car and we just talked some more.

We talked about where God has us and our pasts. I spoke my mind to her about how I really felt about a particular situation. Then she said something to me that floored me. "You just seem perfect..like when everyone looks at you, you seem perfect." Yikes! I laughed and told her that I was far from it. I have inner scars that no one has else knows are there. I may look like I have it all together but that couldn't be farther from the truth. I have flaws, hangups. I'm impatient, I'm a clutterbug, I can be lazy at times, i'm not nearly as disciplined in my quiet time as I would like to be or need to be. I told her that I used to worry about having to be perfect or to appear perfect....that got to be so tiring and draining.

As we sat there talking, I realized that this type of honesty and being real is what I long for. It is so refreshing! God answered each of our prayers when He brought us into each other's lives...I love how we can be real with each other and not worry about hurting the other person's feelings, or afraid of how it may sound. We can be real with each other.....ahh, the beauty of being real.

It's a Monday.....

2008-06-09T21:22:00.000-05:00

Today was a typical Monday...craziness. Maybe if I had been able to relax on my little getaway this weekend, it would have been better. I had planned an escape to the lake this weekend..just needed to unwind and retreat a bit. The home has a retreat house on the lake that we can use, so free is even better. I had it all planned out. I was going to get there around noon or so, sit on the porch, read, relax. I get there only to find that the air conditioner is BROKEN!!! That's right..broken and it's 90 degrees outside and feels much hotter inside. So I throw open all of the doors and turn the fans on. I thought that I could handle it for the night if I slept with the fan on and the balcony door open, but between chasing the bird that kept flying into the kitchen and my overall feeling of stickiness, I gave up. I was home a bit after dark. But it was still nice to get away and read for a bit.

I get to work this morning to find out that something that I had mailed off two weeks ago did not get to its destination. It was needed in VA this week. So off I went to the notary and to Fed Ex...so hopefully it will arrive soon. Then it just went from there. I guess it's not really that bad but it just seems that way. Major changes have been going on at work...which equals to a lot of mess and it feels like its all on my shoulders or rather I'm wading through it. Oh the joys of being a director!

I'm so tired of people not being nice. I know, not everyone is always nice. But sometimes I wish they would. I have been blamed for things that are out of my control. I feel like screaming, "I"m just trying to do my job...please do yours!" I'm so tired of the junk... I feel like I'm the one who has done something wrong, even though I know that it is the not case. I was talking to my mom earlier and she reminded me that what goes around comes around. I didn't do anything wrong. Now, granted, I could have probably handled things a little better, but can't we all? I hate how this situation has made me feel...i'm not me. I'm not positive, cheerful, happy, joyful for that matter. I feel helpless. But God knows that I'm right where He wants me to be, even if its' in the middle of junk.

Just Enough Light

2008-06-05T21:59:00.000-05:00

Stormie Omartian wrote a book called, "Just Enough Light For the Step I'm On." I don't think that I've ever read the whole thing, just bits and pieces. The book talks about God guiding us through trials in life. So many times, I want to see the big picture. I want to know where the path is going to lead me, where exactly it is that I am going on this crazy journey. But God only shows me just enough...just enough light for the step that I need to take.

I am amazed at my God right now. I'm in a really good place in my life right now. 8 months ago, that was a totally different story. About 8 or 9 months ago, I felt like God calling me to apply for a position with the IMB in Kenya...that's right, Kenya. (As my mom said, "You mean half-way around the world Kenya?" I told my parents about it (not exactly a warm response...their only child telling them that she wanted to move to Africa), told my supervisor of my beginning steps of the process, had come up with a plan of what I needed to do...above all else I wanted to be obedient. But God had different plans. Kenya was put on the backburner for a bit because of other things that He was doing in my midst. I truly believe that God didn't intend for me to end up in Kenya right now, He wanted to see if I was going to trust Him enough to abandon everything and be obedient...I was willing to go. Who knows..one day, I may end up overseas, but for right now, I'm where I'm supposed to be. Things with my job situation changed in such a way that can only be described as the hand of God and of His favor. No other way to put it. In the months prior to the change and for a bit afterwards, I felt like I was stuck on a mountain. I knew that God was going to carry me through to the other side, but I wanted to get on the other side right away. I was tired, battered, bruised, burned out, broken, angry, frustrated, just to name a few. I had no clue where He was leading me.

To think that 8 months ago, I thought that right now, I'd be preparing to move halfway around the world. God slowly unfolded the path. He gave me just enough light for the step that I was on. No more. He wanted me to keep going forward, to keep walking by faith, even when I found it nearly impossible to believe. I felt like He had left me....and taken the light with Him. Sometimes, I can be a bit passive-agressive with God. "I'm not going to talk to You because You aren't doing things my way...so there." But He gently scoops me up in His arms and listens to my heart...the words that I can't say or don't know how to say. He showed me that His ways are higher than mine.

He gives me just enough light for the step I'm on. "He leadeth me, He leadeth me. By His own hand, He leadeth me."

Missing Him

2008-06-03T20:45:00.000-05:00

It's been a while and it's time for a new post, as I was told by my one faithful reader! My birthday was a lot of fun...I got to spend my actual birthday with my 2nd family the Harrimans, and the kids just loved on their Nana, which made me feel so loved. Then Memorial day, i celebrated with my LIFE group at O charley's. It was a fun night.

Work has been interesting. My "baby" that I have been birthing for the past 6 months is approaching its due date...just a few minor things to correct for licensing. Considering that the regulation manual is like 35 pages and we started from scratch, I'm happy. So is my supervisor! (that's makes me even more happier!) Work has been rather difficult the past few months and God kept telling me that everything was going to be okay. I heard Him, I just wasn't seeing anything...not seeing that things were going to be okay. I felt like yelling at Him, wanting to say, "What does okay look like?????'Cause this is not it!!" Well, this week, He answered my prayer. He showed me that things were going to be okay. I'm not about to get into it here, but it reminded me that He hasn't forgotten about me...that He sees me. He moves in ways that we least expect.

Okay about the title. Brace yourself...this may sound like I'm whining or complaining, but I'm not. I'm just being honest. I've been missing someone lately. Strange thing is, I don't know his name, nor have I met him (at least I don't think I have!) I've been missing my future husband. I get like this from time to time, where it is just this overwhelming sense that someone is missing from my life-usually around my birthday. I think about all the things that I want to tell him, that I want to share about my day, about my dreams, my passion for my job, my love for him. I love him and I don't even know what he looks like or who he is! I want to serve Him together, wherever that takes us. I want us to have couple friendships--to be able to share my best friend and her husband with him. I wonder what he is doing today, where he is working, about his family, if he is praying for me, where we will meet, all that jazz. I pray for him, I pray for his family, I pray for our family. A few months ago, I heard about something that a pastor did before he met his wife. He wrote down a list of what he wanted in a wife and then he began to pray specifically over that list. A short time later, he met his wife and she was all and beyond what he had prayed for. This challenged me. Sure, I had the "list", but this was different. I made the new list with very specific things to be praying for in a husband. This list moved beyond the shallow "tall, dark and handsome". My top two requirements: Love God more than he loves me and realize that God loves me more than he ever will. So I'm praying with eager anticipation.

Back to missing him. It's kind of crazy when I think about it. Can I really miss someone that I've never met? Can I love someone that I don't even know their name? Does he even exist? As I was thinking about this and missing him, I was reminded of something that God showed me several years ago. I was a senior in college, approaching graduation. One night during our BCM worship service, I felt God speak to my heart, " 50 years from now, it is not going to matter how many letters you have behind your name, or whether you were married or not. What matters is how you lived your life for Me." My friend Joe was speaking that night on priorities when God revealed this to me. It has stuck with me ever since. It kind of gives me a reality check when I get too far ahead of God or when I feel like I'll be single forever. Today, I met with a couple who were both in their early 30's when they married. She told me that she thought that it was best to get married when you were out of your 20's because you don't focus on the petty things and you are able to see what it is important and because you have life experience. It really got to me thinking....now, I hope I get married before I'm 30, but if not it's okay!

So during my times of missing him, I need to draw closer to Him..the One who knows my name, the very number of the curls on my head, the One who has my heart....who sees me, who knows it all. But above all this, He loves me.

27

2008-05-21T21:10:00.000-05:00

In honor of my birthday week......I thought that I would tell 27 things about me..I saw on this on someone else's blog..not that anyone reads this...but it will sharpen my thinking skills!

1. I once played basketball against Britney Spears and I got her autograph. She was not very friendly!
2. I saw the Red Sox and Yankees play at Fenway on Good Friday. So cool!
3. Matthew McCaunaughey greets my guests in my apartment. Seriously, I have a framed autograph of him, with my name on it!
3. I once sang at Hound Dog's Hot Dog stand on Music Row in Nashville. It's where Tim McGraw was discovered.
4. My first plane ride wasn't until I was 19.
5. I shook hands with President Bush- George Hebert Walker Bush.
6. I met Tipper Gore.
7. I love to read fitness magazines, although I'm not ahuge fan of exercise.
8. I was Prom Queen.
9. I nearly drowned once while white rafter rafting...seriously, I thought I was going to die!
10. I hate to be really organized. It seems like I have my own system and always can find things, but when I get organized, I can't find anything.
11. My mom and my aunts and I go shopping the day after thanksgiving every year!!
12. I was a summer missionary...twice.
13. I want to one day adopt a child.
14. I once walked down Bourbon street in pantyhose and high heels--not fun!
15. My senior year of college, I lived in a house with 6 other girls.
16. Peaches was my nickname in school...to this day I don't know where it came from.
17. Last year, I seriously considered moving to Kenya.
18. I want to visit the Holy Land before I die.
19. When sleeping, I have to lay on my stomach, facing the left side...always or I won't sleep!
20. I'm the only one in my family on both sides who has curly hair.
21. I love the smell of rain.
22. Scrapbooking is my therapy.
23. I love the Food Network, but don't do much cooking.
24. I've had the same best friend since I was 12.
25. I had an article published in Christian Single magazine.
26. If I weren't a social worker, I'd be a speaker or a writer.
27. My eyes are two different colors. The left one has brown at the top.

So there it is....all about me.

Mother's Day

2008-05-11T14:53:00.000-05:00

Today is Mother's Day. I'm not able to spend today with mine, but will get to see her this week as we head to the beach! This morning's sermon talked about the making of a mother and how motherhood should be a top priority. Pastor Bill talked about the things that a mother should instill in her children. It got me to thinking about the things that my mom has instilled in me.

A love for the Lord. Handsdown....
A love for family
A respect for tradition.
Faith- even when things are difficult.
Sense of humor.

I could go on and on...but these are just a few. Even though mom and I have our fair share of disagreements (and I still think she treats me like I'm 5!) we really do have a great relationship!

Then there are my spiritual moms. Linda has known me since birth. Her husband was my pastor until I was 20 years old. She has prayed for me through life, guys, school, and everything else that I faced. Her family has become a part of our family. She embodies the minister's wife. Even though I don't get to see her as often I would like to, we still talk and laugh together. Sheryl was my SS teacher at my church when i first moved. She became my 2nd mother! She's lead countless Bible studies and we have a regular lunch date when her husband is on call. She has spoken truth into my life when it wasnt exactly what I wanted to hear, but i needed it. She has encouraged me and loved on me.

Even though I'm not yet a mother in the physical sense, I am a spiritual mother. I have three special kiddos (who are growing up entirely way too fast! They're now almost 14, 10, and 6!) who play such a huge part of my life. I grew up in the same church with their mom and their dad was my youth minister my senior year of high school. When Deanna was born, she and I just bonded...it was so cute to see her hold out her arms for me to pick her up. I got to teach her SS class when she was two, she was and will be Nana's girl. Then Abram came along and stole my heart. Daniel tries to act tough but he loves his Nana too. I love these kids like they were my own. They are family. Abram asked me a while back, "Nana, are you family?" I said, "well, kind of." He replied, "Then how come you don't look like my mama??" I had to laugh...the whole family is blonde hair and blue eyed!

So on this day, I'm thankful!

Tired..........

2008-05-09T22:23:00.000-05:00

Tired.....it pretty much sums up how I feel tonight and this week. I felt like I've run non stop this week, especially yesterday and today. Today, I was think in the office for maybe 2 hours. Tonight was banquet, which meant we got off early, but banquet day is hectic.I rushed home, changed clothes 20 times to get ready for church pictorial pics, go get my picture made, listen to the lady try to pressure me into buying pictures that I didn't even really like ( simply told her no) and then off to banquet. Then yesterday, one of my former kids had a baby and i went to the hospital to see her and then had to go back today to bring more baby stuff. That visit which was work related still, made me feel like I was the hospital social worker all over again. I had arranged for this family to get a baby bed but it would likely be the first of the week before they could get it, transportation issues, this might interfere with the discharge plan, etc, etc. I'm so thankful that our agency could help this family, but I only made the arrangements simply because there was a beautiful innocent baby involved. To be quite honest, i sometimes get tired of helping people who won't help themselves...always living with one hand out (or sometimes, both.)
Then work is making me tired. I'm tired of people acting like they are in junior high, refusing to take responsibility for their actions, and acting just plain dumb. But tonight reminded me of why I love what I do. (well most of the time, I love it.) Tonight was our awards banquet. It's a pretty big to do..the kids get all dressed up, teachers, church staff, board people come, we eat good food, honor the kids for their successes, see a slide show, etc. The kids also perform. Tonight ended with one of my favoritest little girls, I call her Little Bit, singing "He knows my name/Jesus Loves Me." Seeing her sing and hearing her..it made "to have faith like a child" all the more real at that moment. To think that despite everything that I go through, the times that I feel insignificant, that my job is pointless...He knows my name. He hears me when I call. I'm tired...but in a few days, I'll be on the beach!

I'm allergic to my work??!

2008-05-06T19:24:00.000-05:00

Okay, so this post may not be filled with anything that insightful, but I'm feeling in the mood to blog so here I am. About the blog title...I really am allergic to my work, well sort of. For anyone that knows me, I've always had trouble with my sinuses and allergies...i'm sick year round (or at least it seems that way!) So I broke down and had allergy testing done yesterday. Come to find out, I'm allergic to both kinds of dust mites, seven different types of grass, ragweed, oak, and get this: Pecan trees! The problem here: my agency is located on 80 acres of pecan trees!!!!! That's right, 80! Since obviously I can't quit my job, allergy shots are next. I'm not looking forward to it at all, but hopefully, I'll start to feel better..in general. Being able to breathe would help! So tonight I'm home when i could be out with my friends, but I'm having side effects from the predisnone i have to take for 5 days...i'm all red faced, itchy and feel like I've been hit by a mac truck! But I had some comfort food tonight--Popeye's biscuit and mashed potatoes!

Lately, I've had so much fun with my friends. Last night, we celebrated Cinco De Mayo, at a restaurant which probably had the slowest service ever, but the food was good and the company greater. We just laughed and talked and laughed some more. I really want to be more intentional in having fun and just enjoying life. When you work in the field that I do, work is not often fun. It's very easy to bring work home with you, or just get bogged down with the pressures of trying to be all things to all people or to fix everything. I'm often the bad guy, having to say no or confront things about issues that they don't want to talk about or help people who refuse it (while I go out on a limb to help them!) But that's okay.

My 27th birthday is looming around the corner. Yikes! I've been doing a lot of thinking lately...i usually get this way as my birthday approaches. Life looks nothing like I thought it would at this point..nothing! Here was my plan for the way I wanted life to look at this point: done with school, gone to seminary, married, family on the way, working in ministry, in a house (or something that I don't pay rent on!) So here is how my life looks like 3 weeks away from 27: done with school, got my master's-but not from seminary, single, working in ministry, living 200 miles away from my family in an apartment. Now, it may seem like I'm complaining..i'm not. Just making an observation. I was talking to one of my mentors the other day and I was telling her about my reflective state of mind lately. Then I realized something: in a way, I'm thankful that my life hasn't turned out the way that I wanted to. Huh? Thankful? Yes, thankful. I've had some of the most incredible experiences in life so far, for me. I don't think that I would have gotten to experience them if life had gone according to Ashley. I probably wouldn't have the job that I have today, live where I live today, or met the friends that I have if life had gone my way. Shane's death was one of the most hardest things I've ever faced in my life, but I experienced God's love, His faithfulness, His sovereignity, and His healing in ways that I never thought were possible. Yes, it was difficult, but that experience helped me to own my faith- to find out what I believe and why. I experienced Him first hand....it wasn't my parent's experience, anything that my pastor or youth minister told me, it was mine.

Okay, I said that I didn't think this was going to be insightful, but maybe I lied. The words just flowed out Not that anyone reads this anyway, but like I said before, it's my therapy!

Saturday night in a small town

2008-05-03T22:50:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I had probably one of the best Saturday nights I've had in a long time. No, it wasn't a date! Misty, Rebekah and I had plans to hear a concert at Kiroli..we thought it was just going to cost us the admission to get into the park...we get there only to find out it was $25 each! So that plan was scratched. We went to Mohawk to eat. Then we tried to decide what to do...this involved riding around most of the town with the top down, wind blowing our hair, singing at the top of our lungs, laughing our heads off! Then we pulled in to Mcdonald's to use the bathroom to find that they are having a car show, full of harley riders and all that stuff...i think some old man tried to hit on us too! Then we met up with some other friends and ate Eskamoes, then went to one of their houses to play Taboo. Now, not exactly what some people may think of as fun, but when you live in a small town, you make do. I haven't laughed that hard in so long..we said if only we could lose 20 pounds every time we laughed! But I'm so thankful for my friends....and the laughter!

My Uncommon Friend

2008-05-01T18:59:00.000-05:00

I have been blessed tremendously with some incredible friendships in my life. I made some great friendships in college at the BCM and the memories with those people I still treasure today. A few of them I still keep in touch with, as much as we can..life gets in the way, work, marriage, babies. Then there are the friends that I've made while I've lived in North LA. God knew that I needed those people in my life: Sara, Brandi, Misty, Sheryl, Erin, just to name a few. But there is one friend that stands out in my mind and in my heart. Her birthday is next week and I thought that I would write this on her birthday, but since I'm home with double pink eye (yes, double!) and the words are flowing, so here it is.

Jess and I met when we were twelve years old and both landed on the Mariners softball team. We just clicked!!! The next few years were filled with games, practices, the Little League parades, McDonalds before the parades, the sleepovers (on the couch bed!) and lots of fun! Jess and I laugh to this day about how we ended up as friends: we went to different schools, different churches, had different circles of friends, we went to different colleges, our lives look totally different from each others! But God knew what He was doing when He put us on the same team years ago. She's the sister that I never had. We've been through everything together: boys, family stuff, grief, loss. She was the first person that I called when I got home after I found out about Shane, she's the first person that I call to talk about a potential date, she's been my sounding board. Now, she's brought Corey into her life (and now he's a part of mine too--even if he won't let her come visit! LOL) I remember when she called to tell me that she and Corey were engaged..I literally hung up on her and came right over! I ran across an article written by Beth Moore a few years ago, titled "Uncommon Friends". She wrote about her husband and his best friend. It talked about how they had a friendship that was God ordained and how they were so different from each other, yet they had such a strong friendship. I tore it out and sent it to Jess. It made me think of us. Even though we live 200 miles apart, we immediately catch up where we left off from before. I love that! She is my voice of wisdom, she keeps me sane...she gently tells me the truth in love that I so desperately need to hear, even though I may not want to hear it. I could go on and on. But I'm grateful for all of the friends in my life.....especially her.

More than Enough

2008-04-30T21:46:00.000-05:00

"All of You is more than enough for all of me. For every thirst and for every need, You satisfy me with Your love, Until all I have in You is More than enough." I don't know if Chris Tomlin wrote this but I do know that he sang it. Lately, though it seems like it's for much longer periods of time, I've wanted God to simply be enough for me. I know that He is more than enough, more than I can ever imagine or hope for, or need, but at times, I just need Him to be enough for me in the very moment. Enough to fill the ache of loneliness, enough to deal with the junk and drama at work, enough to love me unconditionally. I think that today we are always looking for more. Think about it....more money, more car, more house, more friends, more success, more recognition, more of everything. Nothing seems to satisfy us. Enough doesn't seem to do it for us. Enough money to pay the bills. Nope, we want more. A car that runs well and is paid for. Nope, something bigger and better. A roof over our heads. No, it has to have a swimming pool or walk in closets. A good job. No, more power, please. Part of being okay with enough is contentment. In Phillipians 4, Paul talks about being content in any and every situation, whether in plenty or in want, good or bad. I think that realizing that God is enough for us...for every single need, and realizing that He is also more than enough, helps breed contentment. Not an easy thing by any means, but I will rest in knowing that my God is enough for me.

I am not responsible

2008-04-26T22:07:00.000-05:00

Today, I'm learning a valuable lesson: that I cannot be nor am I responsible for other people's actions. You're probably thinking, "Well, duh!" But to a person in the helping profession or to someone whose spiritual gift is clearly mercy (and strongly at that) this can be difficult to understand sometimes. We want to fix things, to make them better, and in doing so, we often end up carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders. There was a situation a few months ago that I was involved in that I was partly responsible for...(that's all I'm saying...I'm not getting into it here!) I let my emotions get the best of be and leapt before I looked closely and carefully. We both got hurt, got tangled. Well, I felt horrible for my role in it, even though the other person insisted that it wasn't me. But I knew that even in a small way, I had contributed to the problem. So I emailed this person and apologized and asked for forgiveness. This was a huge step for me, but it is very hard for me to admit that I'm wrong and ask for forgiveness. I also felt like that this person was questioning my motives and I told them that. I wasn't expecting for things to be all hunky dory after this, but I was hoping for some acknowledgement..."Hey, I forgive you." We didn't even have to continue our friendship, if they never wanted to speak to me again, fine too. What did I get.....Nothing. No response, no phone call...nothing. I knew that I needed to do this for me...because it was the right thing to do. It is very obvious that this person no longer wants any contact with me. I'm a people pleaser...usually this would bother me. But I realize that I did what I felt what was the right thing to do...if they can't see that, then do I really need them in my life anyway? Do I even want them in my life? I want to be surrounded by people that are going to love me for who I am, flaws and all, who are going to understand that I make mistakes, and who are going to offer forgiveness when I ask for it. I don't need people who are going to make me feel guilty or who are who are too self centered to see true genuiness. I'm not going to doubt myself...I did what I felt like God wanted me to do...and if that person can't see that..then okay. I can't worry about what other people do. It was my responsibility to ask for forgiveness and admit that I was wrong. I did that. It is not up to me to make them give me an answer or to even acknowledge my request. Yes, it would have been the polite thing to do. But I am not responsible for other people...I am only responsible for me.

In the Night

2008-04-25T21:43:00.000-05:00

Two posts in one day....not a normal occurrence, but I'm on a roll, so bear with me! Last night was rough......i got about three hours of sleep before I received a phone call in the middle of the night. Now, I was expecting this phone call. I guess I should back up. I spent about 7 hours at work afterhours because two of my residents decided to take off on their bikes for an adventure. So I had to call the police, file the report, call the families (NOT A FUN THING TO DO!!!) and just wait, and wait. Finally, at around 11:30 I went home, because I knew that they wouldn't be found until daylight anyway. So I go home, and am awaken at 3:30 am with a phone call telling me that they've been found by the police. So I throw my clothes on and head back out to work to deal with them and have them call their families. ( I Can be quite brutal at 4:00 am!...one of them was dozing on the couch when I got there..I told him if I had to be awake at 4:00 then so did he..i'm so mean!)

These boys were mad over something so petty and insignifcant. They chose to run away and return in the middle of the night. They knew that they would get caught trying to sneak back in the house. They knew that they would get caught because they realized that we knew that they were gone. But we were waiting for them. Waiting for them to return safely. Now, I was upset with them. But I was relieved that they were okay. I made them call their parents and let them hear their voice. I could not imagine what those parents were going through....one was just completely beside herself, not sure what she would do if something happened to her son.

How many times do we run away from God and return in the middle of the night? Maybe we think that we won't get caught. But deep down, we know that Someone is waiting for us to return. As I was sitting up last night with some of the staff, talk came to the story of the Prodigal Son. I wonder if the father knew deep down in his heart that his son would return? I know that he thought he was dead, but was there a glimmer of hope still there? He wanted his son back, even if it meant that he returned home in the middle of the night.

God is like that. He wants us in fellowship with Him. He is waiting for us....in the middle of the night.

Grace

2008-04-25T21:29:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I had an experience in receiving grace. I was on my way home from the gym and talking to my mom..( I know, I was talking and driving....but believe me, lesson learned!) and suddenly, just as I turn into my neighborhood....i see it...blue lights. So i told mom I'd call her back and pulled over. I was shaking as I fumbled for my license and insurance and registration. The officer asked if I was okay, because he saw that I was swerving on the road and crossed the fog lines (i didn't even know there was such a thing as fog lines!) I admitted that I had been talking on the phone. He looked at my license and saw that I lived in the neighborhood. He told me to just be careful. He showed me grace. Unmerited favor. Something that I didn't deserve. Grace- getting what I didn't deserve. I deserved a ticket...i was not paying attention nor was I being careful. But....grace was given to me. He let me go. God's grace is like that....freely given to us, even though we don't deserve it. I was struck at how easily I admitted to the officer that I was talking on the phone--the truth, and yet how hard it is for me to admit to God when I've sinned. I mean, what is He going to do, strike me with lightning from heaven? Ban me from Heaven when I die? Turn away from me? No, none of these things. He extends forgiveness, He extends me grace...now it doesn't mean that He's not going to discipline me. I think that often grace and discipline can go hand in hand. God gives us His grace....grace for the moment. Grace to cover us when we need it. I think that sometimes we forget to look for His grace, to receive it. Oh, I'm so thankful that He gives us grace, even when we don't look for it.

Forgiveness

2008-04-20T20:57:00.000-05:00

**** The next few posts were things that I wrote a while back. Enjoy!***
July 4, 2006

Forgiveness. What really is forgiveness? We know that the definition of forgiveness is to “pardon or acquit from sins.” But how do we do that? Is there a step by step instruction manual? A checklist? A self-help book? A reality television show? Another question that we may have deep down, but for whatever reason, choose not to think about, is: “How long does it take to forgive someone?” We often fail to offer forgiveness to those who have wronged us for many reasons. We feel that they don’t deserve it. We feel that they are the ones who are to blame. We feel that it is not our responsibility. We simply do not want to give it. But there is another reason why we fail to offer and to give forgiveness. This reason is one that we probably have never thought about before. The Lord recently revealed this reason to me. It blew my mind. I had never thought about it before. So, what is this “mystery reason?” We don’t realize that we need to offer it. What?? We don’t realize that we need to offer forgiveness? How can I not know that I need to forgive someone? Sometimes, we are faced with circumstances that hurt us, but we either don’t recognize the hurt or we refuse to acknowledge the hurt. The Lord recently revealed to me that there was an area of my life where I needed to offer forgiveness, yet up until that time, I had no idea that I needed to offer it.

When I was a freshman in high school, I dated a guy in my church youth group, Shane. Now, it didn’t last long, but of course, as most high school romances do, we played the merry go round game. You know the game where you go in circles, “Well, I like you…but you don’t like me. But don’t like you.., but I like you. Let’s go out again. Or not. Again? Or not.” Shane and I got to be very good at this game. He crushed my heart and played with my emotions over and over again. And my parents were furious. They couldn’t stand him!! Well, right after my senior year, I saw the light. I realized what he was doing to me. And I had enough. We stopped speaking for almost 2 months, and then out of the blue, he called me. We talked about the situation and he apologized for his behavior toward me. We agreed to start over as friends and to just let God lead. I’m so thankful that God allowed us to have that conversation. I remember the conversation as if it were yesterday. Nothing could have prepared me for what was going to happen next.

September 28, 1999 was the day that my life changed forever. I was away at college. I received a phone call telling me that Shane was in an accident. At the time, I wasn’t sure about all of the details. Immediately, I knew that whatever it was, it was bad. My family came to take me home. Shane had been killed in a fork lift accident. Just like that. In the few seconds that it took for the forklift crane to fall, it took those same few seconds to send my world crashing and my dreams shattered into millions of pieces. Over the following days and months, I couldn’t see straight. I couldn’t feel anything. I was mad. Mad at him for being careless. Mad at God for allowing this to happen. But over time, God showed me that there was nothing that I could have done to change anything and that I had to simply trust Him.

I began to heal. Now, it wasn’t easy. I had plenty of tearful talks with God and nights of crying myself to sleep, thinking that life was always going to be this way: hard and painful. God proved himself faithful time and time again. I could spend hours telling you about the numerous “God moments” that He allowed me to experience. Psalm 126:5 says “Those who sow in tears will reap with joy.” I was able to learn to live again. To see God in the good and in the bad. God had restored my life. He had completely healed my whole heart. Or at least I thought so.

Fast forward nearly seven years later. By this time, I was living on my own and working in Monroe, LA. I had a job that I loved and a great church home. I was beginning to discover more of who I was as an adult in “the reality show that never ends.” I was attending a Bible Study where we were reading the book, “Captivating” by John and Stasi Eldridge. If you haven’t read this book, I highly recommend it. The book talks about why God created women the way that He did and how we should embrace that instead of running from it. There was a chapter that talked about forgiveness. The chapter talks about forgiveness and its importance in our lives. There was a statement in this chapter that could have been written for me alone. It changed my life. “We acknowledge that it hurt. That it mattered…This is not saying, ‘It didn’t really matter; it is not saying ‘I probably deserved part of it anyway.’ Forgiveness says ‘It was wrong. Very wrong. It mattered, hurt me deeply. And I release you. I give you to God.” I couldn’t believe what I was reading. And at that moment, it was as if God was right next to me, telling me, “You know, Ashley, you haven’t forgiven Shane.” What? Haven’t forgiven him? For what? “You know, Ashley. The hurt that he caused you. Believe me, Ashley. He hurt you and you know it.” Truth is, I did know he hurt me. But I never acknowledged it. It was almost like I refused to. So at that moment, I got on my knees and prayed. I asked God for forgiveness for holding onto this hurt that I didn’t even know was still there. Then I said something that I felt kind of silly saying. But I am so glad that God loves us so much that he sees our silliness and doesn’t ignore it. I said to God, “Okay, God. I know that this is strange. I know that Shane is there with you. If there is any way possible, please let him know that I forgive him.” I’m telling you, it felt a little weird asking God to help me forgive a person that was in heaven. Okay, a lot weird! The peace and joy that I felt when I got up was amazing. I don’t think words could do it justice nor could it begin to describe what I felt.

In the Captivating Journal, there is a statement by Eldridge. He says, “We have to allow God to bring the hurt up from our pasts.” Neil Anderson is quoted in the journal as well. He says “for if your forgiveness doesn’t visit the emotional core of your life, it will be incomplete.” Incomplete. Missing a piece. I had no idea that this was missing from my life. Our lives are incomplete without forgiveness. Sometimes, we think we have it all. Yet, we are missing one of the main parts that will help make our lives complete in Christ. Do you want to be whole, complete? Restored? Free to be who you were created to be in Christ? What’s holding you back? Could it be that there is forgiveness that you need to offer?

Scars

2008-04-20T16:07:00.000-05:00

Scars

Scars. We’ve all had our fair share of them. We’ve got one from the time that we rolled off of our parent’s bed and hit the edge of the nightstand. And there’s the one from burning our hand after we touched the stove, even after we were told not to. And the ones that came from attempting to be Evil Knievel on our bikes or skates. And who can forget the scars that come from chicken pox. We just couldn’t resist scratching and picking!

We all have scars on the outside. Scars that are visible. But what about the scars on the inside? The ones that aren’t visible on the outside and the ones that we try so desperately to cover up or forget. The scars that come from years of addiction. The scar from the marriage that failed. The scar that came from the eating disorder. The scars from sexual abuse. No matter where they may have came from, the event leaves a mark. One that will not go away. Even though we wish that it would. We would do anything or give anything to make the scar go away.

What is a scar? Dictionary. Com gives two very profound definitions for scars.
a mark left by a healed wound, sore, or burn.

2.
a lasting aftereffect of trouble, esp. a lasting psychological injury resulting from suffering or trauma

The first definition is obvious. It is a mark that is left after something has healed from injury. This deals with the scars on the outside. This is how you know that an injury has occurred. The mark remains. The second definition best describes the invisible scars. The ones that no one else can see or that no one else knows exist. I am struck by the phrase “lasting aftereffect”. Scars are permanent, lasting. If something has an aftereffect, then you still feel the effects long after the injury as occurred. So this best describes our invisible scars. Even though the injury is long gone, the effects are not.

I came to this realization about scars after realizing that one of my scars was causing me great difficulty. It was a scar that no one knew that I had, not even my best friend. The scar of painful loss. My ex boyfriend was killed during my freshman year of college. We weren’t dating at the time, but we were still very close and had the accident not occurred, we probably would have gotten back together. Our relationship was different, strange at times, even. Our relationship was not always the best. He hurt me deeply. I was never good enough. Nothing I did seemed to make it work. I spent a tremendous amount of time and energy trying to prove myself and make him love me. I knew that he cared about me, but I knew that I would never mean as much to him as he meant to me.

When Shane died, my heart broke. I questioned God. I did not understand. I literally felt like I was going to die of a broken heart. I was not sure if my heart would ever heal. God slowly healed my heart. However, there was still a scar there. The scars of rejection, pain, and hurt. I felt like my heart had a huge scar running from side to side. Nearly ten years later, I was still feeling the pain of the scar.

I pleaded with God to remove the scar. I did not understand why it was still there, still causing me pain. I knew that over time, scars faded. This one still felt fresh and raw. I was praying one night and the Lord revealed something to me about scars. I felt Him gently tell me in my heart, “Scars are not a bad thing. They prove that you survived. They prove that you are still alive. They prove that you lived through the trial.” I can’t begin to tell you the peace that filled my heart as I took in those words.

I was reminded that Jesus had scars. The scars from where the nails pierced His hands and His feet. The scar from where the spear pierced His side. Even after Jesus had conquered death and rose from the grave, His scars remained. He showed the scars to Thomas. He had Thomas put his hand where the nails had pierced.

God could have removed the scars from Jesus’ hands, feet and side when He raised Him from the dead. He did not. I think that the scars were left to remind us that Jesus was human. He felt pain. He had scars just like we have. Jesus faced the most horrific death. He was beaten beyond recognition, had nails driven into His hands and His feet, had His side pierced, and had His head crowned with thorns.

Jesus was scarred. He lived to tell about it. He lived to tell about the tremendous pain that He went through at the cross, and of the victorious resurrection from the dead. He did not let the scars of the past dictate His future. He knew that they were there, but He also knew of the God who had healed Him.

We still may be dealing with the present hurting of our past scars. Put your hand in the Nail Scarred hand of Jesus. Let the precious redeeming blood that flowed from those hands cover your scars. Be reminded that you are alive. You survived. You lived through it. You are living today to tell about all that He has done for you.

Starting Out

2008-04-20T15:58:00.001-05:00

I've often debated on whether or not to create a blog or not. It seems like I'm a slave to technology enough as it is. Lately, the Lord has rebirthed my love for writing. I've always said that if I weren't a social worker, I would like to be a writer or a speaker. I had an article published in the February issue of CS magazine and have a story or testimonial that will be in a book that will be out in March of 2009. Lately, He has been showing me some wonderful truths...truths that I feel like people, especially women, need to hear. So this it...we'll see how often I post. It doesn't really matter if anyone reads it or not...i find that writing is good therapy for me. So enjoy!