New Season, New Blog!

Life has changed so it's time for the blog to change too! I'm now blogging at

www.wheregraceflows.blogspot.com

Reflections of this Season

This may be a long post and will probably  be all over the place, but that's okay. Again, not sure who all reads this, but I'm writing more to clear my head.

In less than a week, I'll say goodbye to singleness and hello to married life. I'm so excited but if I'm honest, I have a few mixed emotions of saying adieu to singledom. Now, don't get me wrong- I'm grateful for this new season of my life, but my season of singleness was a rich one too.

I graduated high school thinking I would meet my husband in college- at the BCM of course! Um no! I met some great godly guys, and if I could combine different qualities into one guy, then I might would have found him. But my years at BCM really helped me to see what I was really looking for in a husband.

When I graduated college and then grad school still single- it stung. Badly! My timeline was all out of wack. I moved to a new city four hours away after grad school and thought for sure I'd meet him. Again no. Blind date after blind date- no.

It wasn't until I was 27 that the Lord really brought me to a place of true contentment in being single. I mean REAL TRUE CONTENTMENT. I prayed for it, and tried to fool myself into thinking I was content- I wasn't. I had put my life on hold until I found the one. I wasn't living. Truly living.

I'm not really sure exactly when the lightbulb came on that caused my shift in thinking, but it was somewhere around the fall of 2008 when i went to croatia. I suddenly embraced the freedom of being single. When I got the phone call about Croatia, I only had a few days to give an answer. It was liberating to be able to say yes, because I could- I didn't have to consult with anyone! same thing with going to Rwanda, Brazil and Haiti. i bought a house when I was single. I had incredible opportunities because I embraced where God had me right now. Not to say it wasn't easy- it was hard! All of my friends were getting married. Everyone but me.

I'm 31 and getting married. About 10 years behind my original schedule! But looking back, I wasn't ready. D wasn't ready. God wasn't through working in our lives so that we would be better together. I told him the other day that I was so thankful that we're older and getting married- he would not have wanted to marry me at 25! I wouldn't have wanted to marry me!

A verse that I clung to a lot during my single season is Psalm 84:5-7:
Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.
⁶ As they pass through the Valley of Baka,
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.^[a]
7 They go from strength to strength,
till each appears before God in Zion.

Our wedding verse is Psalm 126:3- The LORD has done great things for us and we are filled with joy.

Reflections of this Season

• earned 2 college degrees
• started my first real job
• Landed my dream job in ministry
• Moved away from home
• Bought my first home
• Traveled out of the country 4 times
• Got a tattoo
• Found a church home
• found another church home
• experienced community
• experienced heartache but learned to see God in it
• met the love of my life
• found true friendships

Wedding Gift From Heaven

I know very people read this but I'm mainly writing this post for myself so I won't forget it. The wedding is 10 days away!!

I had two God moments this week. One was about the new Lysa Terkhurst book "Unglued." It's about dealing with your emotions. I knew this book was coming out soon and really wanted to read it. With the wedding, I feel like a complete basketcase lately. But even in other times, I feel like sometimes my emotions control me and lead me- another post for another day. Several bloggers were having giveways for this book- I entered a few thinking I wouldn't win but hoping I would win from one of them. Well, praise the Lord- i won one! I love reading Lindsey Nobles blog- great stuff on life and social justice. So thankful God knew I needed this and that we're getting ready to go on a serious money diet as a married couple.

That was God moment number one. The second one is a wedding gift from heaven. Back in 2009, I wrote a post http://heartsetonhim.blogspot.com/2009/10/heaven-is-putting-out-good-dishes.html about my dear friend Wendi. Wendi, her mom and her aunt and I were a part of a women's small group at our church probably 4- 5 years ago. Wendi passed away nearly 3 years ago after a fierce battle with illness. I loved Wendi- even though we weren't best friends, she made everyone feel like you were her closest friend. I used to tell her all about my horrible blind dates and she would just laugh and in her southern drawl say, "I just don't get it- you're the total package. what's wrong with them?"

Last week, Wendi's mom dropped off a wedding present at my office. I opened it up to find a beautiful Lenox "True Love" cake server set. My jaw hit the floor when I opened it because months ago, I had bought our toasting flutes in this same pattern (found a great sale on them!) I immediately called Mrs. Roz to thank her for the gift and to tell her about the toasting flutes. She told me she didn't get it engraved because she wasn't sure if I had one already. Then she said, "Go get it engraved. Wendi would have gotten you this and had it engraved- something you would cherish forever." I wanted to cry. I would have loved to been able to tell Wendi all about meeting David and then share with her about the engagement and wedding. Because I was single for so long, I developed a community of people who have walked this journey with me. Wendi was one of them. I like to think that Wendi sent me a wedding gift from Heaven. So tommorrow, I'll pick up the engraved server set. In 10 days, I'll picture my beautiful friend smiling down from heaven as we use them.

Getting Closer

I know it's  been forever since I've blogged. Life and wedding planning in the mix. The wedding is 5 weeks away! I can't believe it's getting that close- I've had a few "panic moments" and the wedding crazies have hit. Bridal portraits, wedding showers, travel for work..I haven't seen David in 2 weeks and will be another week before we see each other again..another reason why I can't wait to get married- no more being apart!

I had 2 showers last week- one at work and one at home. It was so great to see people that I haven't seen in years and that played a huge part in my life. One of my favorite gifts was my Kitchen aid mixer! There's a story behind that- i've always wanted one and my aunt and uncle said when I got married that would be my wedding gift. Well, I honestly thought I was going to have to buy it myself! Our running joke was when I would go on a date if they would need to buy a mixer. Needless to say when I met david, I told her to buy the mixer!!

We're making plans to combine our households into one house- mine. I have no idea where we will put everything. I've cleaned out some closets and we've had a garage sale (although not very successful). David says we need a bigger house! i just think we need to get rid of "stuff."

That's what a lot of it is: stuff. Not really useful, just taking up space. Not beneficial at all. This is something that God has been teaching me: getting rid of stuff. Stuff that is not really bad, but not beneficial or helpful at all. I recently got off of Facebook. Many people asked why, and there wasn't a major reason, just that it was something I felt God was calling me to do: it was a time sucker, drama filled (not for me, but just reading it) to me it didn't have a point anymore. And honestly, I miss having real relationship with people- community. I don't have the discpline to just limit my time on it- it was better to just cut it off completely. I'm ready to simplify- to focus on filling my life with things that are useful and beneficial. Getting rid of the stuff.

Ruined

Last night, we were able to visit with Chris and Jill Shelby, who are missionaries to Rwanda and work with Peace House. When I went to Rwanda last year, we worked with the boys at Peace House, which is a house for street children. We did an art camp with them and had an absolute blast. Last night, we were able to hear how the boys were doing and all of the incredible work God is doing at Peace House and ministering to street children. (www.atn-rwanda.org/peace-house-ministries)

It's hart to believe it's been a year since I was in Rwanda. A lot has happened since then. Of course, the obvious- getting engaged. LOL But something else has happened since then: my calling to work with the orphan is stronger. I'll be honest- I'm not sure I desire to go back to Rwanda. I was obedient to the Lord and went and it totally changed my life. Now, Haiti- absolutley. Have no desire to live there but would go back.

Going to Rwanda and seeing orphanages first hand, seeing the children, hearing their stories. It did something to me. It ruined me.

Ruined- to reduce to ruins- devastate; to damage irreparably. (Webster).

I will never look at my ministry the same again. I will never look at the orphan crisis the same again. I will never look at my own adoption and rescue by Jesus the same again. I will never look at poverty the same again. I'm not the same person I was before I left. I told someone that I would probably never ever understand all that I learned from that trip this side of heaven. I'll be processing for years to come. A year later and i still catch myself reflecting on my time there.

My heart was damaged irreparably- it can't be what it once was. No. It was broken. It was ruined. It was rebuilt to slowly began looking like His heart. A line in a song "Hosanna": "Break my heart for what breaks yours."

I am ruined.

Behold, He is doing a New thing

I got a phone call this week from my mom with shocking news. The church secretary at my home church, who I had known for years (but hadn't seen in several years), kept her kids at church and during the summer, had suddenly taken her own life. I was stunned. Without going into all the details with what I've learned, it didn't come as a shock to those to close to her but a shock to those outside her life. Stunned. All I kept thinking about was Dayna's three children: two teenage sons and a ten year old daughter. I kept picturing Dayna's infectious smile: it was killer..could light up a room. Her son posted a picture on FB that was taken the night before she died: same killer smile. But so much pain and despair on the inside.

I've written about my struggle with depression here before. Although I had thoughts of utter despair and helplessness and hopelessness and wanted to die, I can't say that I had ever gotten to the point that Dayna was at. I couldn't help but think of how far the Lord has brought me and how faithful He is and yet sad because Dayna loved the Lord, knew the Lord, but yet still felt hopeless. I could have easily brought myself back to the days of the dark places.

As I was praying for her family, I turned to Isaiah 43:18-19. Lightbulb moment, peace flooded my heart. "Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing. Now it springs up, do you not percieve it? I am making a way in the desert, and streams in the wasteland." I felt the Lord tell me, "It's done. You don't have to go back there. Walk in where I have you now: a place of new life, new things, abundant blessings." Now it's an every day dependence on the Lord- some days are better than others but i'm in a place of new life, new dreams, new hope.

David and I had our premarital counseling this weekend with dear friends of ours, Eric and Jodi. Eric was my youth minister in high school. We were talking about how God brought us together and what we were looking forward to in marriage. I shared how I had read this verse and how it spoke to me. Again, I had another lightbulb moment. God had taken the broken and painful things of David and I's past and told us to forget about them and not to dwell on it. He has surely provided a way in the desert and streams of LIFE in the wasteland. We are not carrying the weight of our broken hearts into our marriage. Praise the Lord. I remember a time where I literally felt I was going to die of a broken heart after Shane died (for any new readers or to refresh your memory for all 3 of my readers! lol: Shane was my ex boyfriend who was killed in a forklift accident when i was 18. I thought i was going to marry him but looking back now God used that to shape me into who I am today.) Times where the air felt like it was sucked out from the room. God is doing a new thing and I don't have to remember the past.

There was another situation where God used this verse to remind me of His faithfulness today. About 4 years ago, I went through an extremely difficult season at work that lasted 2 years!! It's hard to go into specifics but let's just say I experienced the "not so glamourous side of ministry." It was horrible and the longest 2 years of my life, but God has healed my heart of bitterness, anger, wanting revenge and just overall hatred. I didn't hate this person but hated what they did and the mess I was forced to clean up. Recently this person made some comments regarding the situation and it got back to me. I could have blown up, could have spewed venomous words about them, but i didn't. I just sat back and said, "Wow. Some things never change." I had no desire to re live the feelings of the past. Now that's the work of the Lord..there was a time when I couldn't be in the same room as this person, couldn't stand to hear their name or much less say their name myself. God brought that verse to my heart again: He has done a new thing at work and things are so much better for His glory. No need to dwell on the past.

Maybe there's some past hurts you're dwelling on. Maybe some things you can't seem to let go of, your fingers tightly grasped around it, telling God, "You can have anything but this. This is too big for You." God wants to change your heart, change your mind, change your life. He wants to rid your mind of those things that take up space in your heart and mind that don't belong there. He wants to show you a way in the desert- a way that leads to new things, a way that leads to HIM. Forget the past, live in the now!

What a difference a year makes!

I keep saying I'm going to be a better blogger, but life gets in the way- especially planning a wedding! The countdown is nearing the double digits-108 days! I have this handy little wedding countdown app on my phone- which i love!

 The plans are coming along, most of the major stuff done. I still threaten to elope a few dozen times a day but it's not really because of the stress of the wedding details- I'm just ready to be married and to start our new life together. We've dated for thirteen months living 2 hours away. We've been able to see each other most every weekend and the biggest gap has been 2 weeks. I know it could be a lot worse! But so ready to be in the same spot every day together: no driving back and forth, no shuffling houses, finding places to stay when he comes, no separate hotel rooms when we travel, etc. But I know that all of this is so worth it in the end!!!

This Friday is my birthday, the big 3-1. Last year was such a milestone birthday for me. I LOVED turning 30. It wasn't a bad thing at all. Honestly, it was like life really began at 30. So many great things happened as I turned 30. My 20's were spent trying to figure out who I was, career, learning to be content, friendships, my identity. Now, I feel much more settled.

Here are a few things that happened during the year of the big 30!

• Got a tattoo (hurt like heck but love it)
• Went to Rwanda
• Went to Brazil
• Went to Haiti
• Met a wonderful guy on match.com
• Got engaged to the amazing guy!!
• Planning a wedding
• Took engagement pictures
• Traveled to New Orleans to celebrate the big 30 with my BFF
• first time bringing a guy to holidays
• actually had someone to celebrate Valentine's day with!
• Getting closer to my dream job of doing adoptions full time

The Lord has blessed me so much!! Our theme verse for the wedding (and our relationship) is "The Lord had done great things for us and we are filled with Joy." Psalm 126:3
This truly says it all. I'm so excited for the rest of my 30's!