Forgiveness

**** The next few posts were things that I wrote a while back. Enjoy!***
July 4, 2006

Forgiveness. What really is forgiveness? We know that the definition of forgiveness is to “pardon or acquit from sins.” But how do we do that? Is there a step by step instruction manual? A checklist? A self-help book? A reality television show? Another question that we may have deep down, but for whatever reason, choose not to think about, is: “How long does it take to forgive someone?” We often fail to offer forgiveness to those who have wronged us for many reasons. We feel that they don’t deserve it. We feel that they are the ones who are to blame. We feel that it is not our responsibility. We simply do not want to give it. But there is another reason why we fail to offer and to give forgiveness. This reason is one that we probably have never thought about before. The Lord recently revealed this reason to me. It blew my mind. I had never thought about it before. So, what is this “mystery reason?” We don’t realize that we need to offer it. What?? We don’t realize that we need to offer forgiveness? How can I not know that I need to forgive someone? Sometimes, we are faced with circumstances that hurt us, but we either don’t recognize the hurt or we refuse to acknowledge the hurt. The Lord recently revealed to me that there was an area of my life where I needed to offer forgiveness, yet up until that time, I had no idea that I needed to offer it.

When I was a freshman in high school, I dated a guy in my church youth group, Shane. Now, it didn’t last long, but of course, as most high school romances do, we played the merry go round game. You know the game where you go in circles, “Well, I like you…but you don’t like me. But don’t like you.., but I like you. Let’s go out again. Or not. Again? Or not.” Shane and I got to be very good at this game. He crushed my heart and played with my emotions over and over again. And my parents were furious. They couldn’t stand him!! Well, right after my senior year, I saw the light. I realized what he was doing to me. And I had enough. We stopped speaking for almost 2 months, and then out of the blue, he called me. We talked about the situation and he apologized for his behavior toward me. We agreed to start over as friends and to just let God lead. I’m so thankful that God allowed us to have that conversation. I remember the conversation as if it were yesterday. Nothing could have prepared me for what was going to happen next.

September 28, 1999 was the day that my life changed forever. I was away at college. I received a phone call telling me that Shane was in an accident. At the time, I wasn’t sure about all of the details. Immediately, I knew that whatever it was, it was bad. My family came to take me home. Shane had been killed in a fork lift accident. Just like that. In the few seconds that it took for the forklift crane to fall, it took those same few seconds to send my world crashing and my dreams shattered into millions of pieces. Over the following days and months, I couldn’t see straight. I couldn’t feel anything. I was mad. Mad at him for being careless. Mad at God for allowing this to happen. But over time, God showed me that there was nothing that I could have done to change anything and that I had to simply trust Him.

I began to heal. Now, it wasn’t easy. I had plenty of tearful talks with God and nights of crying myself to sleep, thinking that life was always going to be this way: hard and painful. God proved himself faithful time and time again. I could spend hours telling you about the numerous “God moments” that He allowed me to experience. Psalm 126:5 says “Those who sow in tears will reap with joy.” I was able to learn to live again. To see God in the good and in the bad. God had restored my life. He had completely healed my whole heart. Or at least I thought so.

Fast forward nearly seven years later. By this time, I was living on my own and working in Monroe, LA. I had a job that I loved and a great church home. I was beginning to discover more of who I was as an adult in “the reality show that never ends.” I was attending a Bible Study where we were reading the book, “Captivating” by John and Stasi Eldridge. If you haven’t read this book, I highly recommend it. The book talks about why God created women the way that He did and how we should embrace that instead of running from it. There was a chapter that talked about forgiveness. The chapter talks about forgiveness and its importance in our lives. There was a statement in this chapter that could have been written for me alone. It changed my life. “We acknowledge that it hurt. That it mattered…This is not saying, ‘It didn’t really matter; it is not saying ‘I probably deserved part of it anyway.’ Forgiveness says ‘It was wrong. Very wrong. It mattered, hurt me deeply. And I release you. I give you to God.” I couldn’t believe what I was reading. And at that moment, it was as if God was right next to me, telling me, “You know, Ashley, you haven’t forgiven Shane.” What? Haven’t forgiven him? For what? “You know, Ashley. The hurt that he caused you. Believe me, Ashley. He hurt you and you know it.” Truth is, I did know he hurt me. But I never acknowledged it. It was almost like I refused to. So at that moment, I got on my knees and prayed. I asked God for forgiveness for holding onto this hurt that I didn’t even know was still there. Then I said something that I felt kind of silly saying. But I am so glad that God loves us so much that he sees our silliness and doesn’t ignore it. I said to God, “Okay, God. I know that this is strange. I know that Shane is there with you. If there is any way possible, please let him know that I forgive him.” I’m telling you, it felt a little weird asking God to help me forgive a person that was in heaven. Okay, a lot weird! The peace and joy that I felt when I got up was amazing. I don’t think words could do it justice nor could it begin to describe what I felt.

In the Captivating Journal, there is a statement by Eldridge. He says, “We have to allow God to bring the hurt up from our pasts.” Neil Anderson is quoted in the journal as well. He says “for if your forgiveness doesn’t visit the emotional core of your life, it will be incomplete.” Incomplete. Missing a piece. I had no idea that this was missing from my life. Our lives are incomplete without forgiveness. Sometimes, we think we have it all. Yet, we are missing one of the main parts that will help make our lives complete in Christ. Do you want to be whole, complete? Restored? Free to be who you were created to be in Christ? What’s holding you back? Could it be that there is forgiveness that you need to offer?