Raw

I started to title this about being real, but then again, that was in an earlier post. God has been really hammering the word "real" into my head and heart lately. I've been in a place of self discovery, you know where you just kind step back and take a look at yourself...yuck! I don't like what I see. I was vulnerable and had two of my closest friends help me to see the forest in spite of the trees. I treasure the friendships with these two people more than they will ever know..(one of them is probably reading this! Love you Sara!) It's always a scary thing when you are vulnerable to people...you have to willing to be real and not be defensive or take offense. It was a hard pill to swallow with what I was told, but in all honesty, it was truth....total truth. I realized how shallow I am at times and how I limit God by setting these unrealistic expectations and standards...that I'm not trusting Him completely, that I don't think He is enough for me.

I've neglected my relationship with the Lord and I'm paying for it dearly. You know you just feel like all areas of your life are just out of control..like you just can't get it together, like it's just out of your grasp. The thing about it is I KNOW what I need to do...I'm just stubborn and afraid. Afraid of what I will find when I'm really honest with Him, afraid of what He'll show me or of what He will ask of me. (like going to Kenya!) I remember one time in a season of growth that I was afraid to be real with God and I felt Him whisper to me, "What are you afraid of? I'm not going to love you any less." Maybe that's what I'm afraid of. I promise i think in another life, I could be a Pharisee...i get so legalistic sometimes...that I think by just "doing" will be enough....uh, no...that misses the point completely. I know that until I am fully satisfied in Christ that no earthly relationship will do. But will I ever be there? (This question rolls around in my head alot!) I long for a husband, to be a wife and a mom....but I think that (well, more like I know) that the longing for Jesus is deeper...nothing compares. I need to focus on living loved by Him alone.

Tonight, I sang in chapel for work. I wasn't sure what I was going to sing until just a little while before it started. I sang the old hymn "Take My Life and Let It Be." I love the words of the entire song.... There is a line in there that I just absolutley love and I pray that it will become the cry of my life and heart...."Take my moments and my days, let them flow in ceaselss praise."

Am I ready for the pruning that needs to take place? I think of my heart compared to a wound that has difficulty healing. (Bear with me, I used to be a medical social worker!) When a person has a severe wound, debridement often has to take place. This scrapes off of the dead skin so that the fresh, new skin can surface. It's painful, very unpleasant. I feel like that this is what needs to happen to my heart...that God needs to scrape off of the junk: the pride, the shallowness, the fear, the legalism, the perfectionism...so that I will have the heart and life that He wants me to have. I know that this may seem very random and scattered...it may be, but it's my randomness and it's late! So, I want to choose to be scraped, sloughed off...laid raw before God so that He can restore me...so that my days may flow in ceaseless praise.