Whole

I had a typed a nice, light post last night, then forgot to save it! Don't you hate it when that happens? I really didn't feel like typing it again...another day. Today was a good day. Busy as usual, but good. I had lunch with some dear friends, including the one who I mentioned earlier that has cancer. It was nice to just talk, even though I felt like we were all avoiding the elephant in the room..the cancer. But the purpose of today's lunch was to minister to him and not focus on it.

I had to run some errands for work and then go to a meeting, so a good chunk of time was spent in the car. As I was in the car, I realized something. I felt different. I can't really describe it, just different. Not in a bad way. Just more relaxed, focused, at peace. Then I realized it later on in the day, for the first time in a long time, I felt whole. I knew that God had been at work. Surprise, surprise!!

I guess I need to back up a bit...and this is difficult to talk about, but I feel like God has carried me through the battle to minister to others. Off and on for the past three years or so, I've battled (and I say battle, because ask anyone who has been there, it is a battle!) depression and anxiety, more anxiety the past few months. I've been on medication and to counseling, both which have helped tremendously. I have a family history of depression, so that makes me more prone. From time to time, i've struggled with why this is happened to me. I've often said, "I feel like this is a curse, rather than a blessing." I've pleaded for God to take it away. I think that Christians feel like that they are in a bubble, that they are immune to it. I've struggled with the why, the thoughts of "who in the world is going to want to marry me because of this?" Over the recent months, I've realized that this is just something that I have to surrender to Him every day....it may not necessarily go away. But that He is enough...one thought that He gave me a while back was "This may be bigger than you, but it is not bigger than Me."

I've started trying to make a consistent effort to be in the Word (Laura, loved your post about spending time with Him- drowning out Hannah Montana!) I know that He is working in me...I'm so glad that He keeps on when we give up...I think that I had given up on being made whole. Now I'm not saying that I'm going to stop my meds or that I've been completely healed. I just feel whole- not missing pieces or feeling totally flawed. I have no idea where He is taking me next or what He will continue to do. Niole C Mullens has a great song out called "One Touch" and it talks about the woman with the issue of blood, who just wanted to touch His garment. I heard her at Women Of Faith and she sang this song...it is so powerful and said exactly what my heart was saying, if only I could touch just a bit of Him. So wherever you are, reach out....just brush the hem of His garment.