Christmas Memories

I can't believe that Christmas is almost here!!! Is it me or does the space between Thanksgiving and Christmas keep getting shorter? If I can just make it through next week....then I'm off for a week! I'm so looking forward to going home, catching up with people, and not doing anything on a schedule and celebrating Christmas with the people that I love the most.

Christmas always gets me all nostalgic, so I thought that I would take a stroll down memory lane with some of my fave Christmas memories (these are no order!)

1. Black Friday Christmas shopping. Ever since I was a baby, my mom, me, my aunts and my Mee Maw would hit the mall, dressed in our Christmas sweatshirts and Christmas socks. ( I know, dorky!) We sit up the night before and map out all the sales.

2. Being on TV when I was like 4 or 5 while we were Black Friday shopping. My mom and Aunt Jane chased the camera guy around until he put me on TV. It was the year that the cabbage patch dolls were all the rage.

3. Christmas Morning breakfast casserole with cranberry juice. Oh so yummy!

4. Going for breakfast with my parents on Christmas eve morning.

5. The year that we almost didn't have Christmas Eve- the big freeze. It came a huge freeze and my Maw-Maw's pipes froze. I think we ended up having ham sandwiches.

6. We used to always have Christmas at my grandparents and they would always have a tree. Well, I was 9 years old and it like 3 days before Christmas and they didn't have their tree up yet. Maw Maw said that she didn't think they would put one out that year. I was horrified! Christmas Eve rolled around and there was a tree!!! My Maw-maw, who was well into her 70's at the time, had gone into the woods behind the house and cut down a pine tree and decorated it. Now, it looked like the Charlie Brown tree, but that is one of my favorite memories!

7. Making candy with my mom.

8. Going shopping with my dad for my mom's present.

9. Adopting a family for Christmas and going shopping for them.

10. Our church did an outdoor living nativity scene. It was soooo cold. It came time for the wisemen to get ready to go out and no one could find them. They were sitting in one of men's Lincoln town car with the heater on! That was the year that the Wise Men came to Bethelem in a town car.

11. Another time during the pageant, it was so cold that the seats froze! The wind was so brutal and bone chilling. I was the angel on top of the manger scene--I almost fell off because the wind was so strong!

12. Going with my church to look at the Christmas lights and ending up in the ghetto.

13. Another time at the pageant, I played Mary. I had to dance around. I kept praying that my "belly" wouldn't fall out. It was interesting to say the least.

14. Going to the tree farm to cut the tree and hearing my dad gripe the whole time there. (if it were up to him, we wouldn't have a tree! He hates putting it up.)

15. Going to the Christmas pageant at First Baptist Zachary with my mom and grandmother.

16. Christmas eve service

17. the Lottie Moon post office at church

18. going to the nursing home with my GA group

19. making christmas ornaments

20. watching Christmas movies

What are some your favorite memories?

For a season

Disclaimer: This post may not make a bit of sense to anyone and it may seem like I'm complaining or moaning. It may contain references to being single, but that's where I am. but I need to vent- so there it is! :)

I love the holidays. I love spending time with both sides of the family and seeing my friends, being home long enough for mom to take care of me, having days where I don't have a plan for anything. I love my family but I long for having someone to share the holidays- someone that I can make memories of our own with. I dream of spending time with each other's families, buying presents for each other, starting new traditions. I kind of thought that this year would be a little different, but its not. So it's okay, but it hurts. Not going to lie.

At Thanksgiving this year, I got to meet my cousin's wife. They've only been married for 2 years, but I don't see this side of the family too often, so it was my first time to meet her. I love her..she's super sweet and she's my age so it gave me someone to talk to. I've always wanted to bring someone to the holidays. The ladies played the "Dirty Santa" game while the guys were in the other room watching football and doing other guy stuff. It made me kind of miss that I didn't have someone there in that other room, even though I thought maybe this year I would. My two closest friends here were both spending the holidays with their boyfriends. I thought that this year I would be too. We've never been dating anyone at the same time and have often talked about how fun it would be to do things together. I'm happy for them, yet I kind of feel left out. Like its always someone else but me.

I'm trying me darnest not to sit on the "pity potty" as my mom calls it. I know that the holidays are not about being with someone. I've been given the greatest gift, Jesus. I realize the true meaning of the season is not about me at all and know that every holiday won't be spent "as the single girl."

The holidays always make me kind of reflective and I also usually get this away about the end of the year- about 6 months before my birthday. Not sure why, but it almost always happens. I was really hoping that this year was going to be different. But I know that God isn't through, that He loves me for me, that He can see the bigger picture, and I''m so thankful that where I'm at right now is only for a season.

Thanksgiving and Tag

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving! I spent great QT with family, ate way too much, got almost all of my Christmas shopping done, and found out that I'm going to be an aunt!!! I'm super duper excited that my BFF Jessica (who is like my sister- we've been friends since we were 12) is pregnant. She called and told me on Thanksgiving day- best present ever!! I got her and Corey a little goodie bag- I had so much fun shopping for Baby B. I can only imagine what I will be like when I know what color to get.

I've been tagged by Laura. So Here goes!

8 Random Things About Me

1. I rarely take showers. I love a good bubble bath or just to soak in the tub. When I was in grad school, I was always up late studying and there was nothing that I loved more than a late night bath.

2. I once played basketball against Britney Spears. No joke! Our schools were playing each other and I noticed this girl run down the court. She looked like the girl off of the Mickey Mouse club! No one believed me, until I asked for her autograph. She wasn't all that friendly, but I can say that I met her. I think I still have the autograph somewhere.

3. I was Prom Queen at my senior prom. The King was nearly two feet taller than me, so we had to kneel to take our pictures. Everyone kept taking our picture- I felt like i was with the paparazzi!

4. I never eat the crusts on my sandwiches. Not really sure why, but I don't like to cut the crusts off either.

5. I am the only person in my entire family(both sides too!) with curly hair. If you've ever seen my curls, you would know why this is so shocking!

6. I hate for my feet to be cold- I'll wear socks in the summer!

7. My nickname in school was Peaches. To this day, I have no idea how I got it.

8. I've only missed one "Black Friday" shopping trip since I was a baby - and that was to see the LSU vs Arkansas game last year. Every year, my mom, my aunts, and my Mee-Maw would put on our christmas sweatshirts and Christmas socks. We would look at all of the sale papers to map out where we wanted to go, what stores first, etc. Our motto: Never pay full price if you don't have to!

I tag: Kelly

Thankful

I made it home for thanksgiving! I'm so glad to be at home and am ready to see my family. Tonight, I'm learning how to make pecan pie-yummo!

I "stole" this from Laura http://www.thehortonfamily.blogspot.com (i wish I knew how to just put her name and it link- anyone??) but I thought it was perfect.

The ABC's of Thanksgiving

A – Amazing Grace
B- babies
C- going to Croatia
D- being a Davis
E-Eternal life
F- friends
G- my grandparents
H- being able to always go Home
I- my independce
J- my BFF-Jessica!
K- the Kiddos in my life (Deanna, Daniel, Abram
L- lazy Saturdays
M- music
N- naps
O- the outdoors
P-PEOPLE magazine
Q-quiet evenings
R- being able to be at home and Read
S- Sephora and Starbucks
T- God's Truth
U- being bundled Under my flannel sheets
V- Very slow times at work
W- being able to work in a ministry and a job that I love
X- Xcitement in my life when God surprises me
Z- getting a good night of Z's

Happy thanksgiving!

In the Waiting

I know it's been a while...i've had tonsilitis and feel like I've been running like a chicken with my head cut off! But I'm feeling much better and looking forward to a weekend in Natchitoches with some friends for the Christmas light festival....the weather should be perfect!

The Lord has been showing me so much lately, but I've realized that I have a problem in receiving all of it. Being still! I was in bed last night, trying to wind down. My head is usually spinning- my thoughts running over the day, tommorrow, all that stuff. I felt the Lord whisper to me, "I'm doing a great work in you. Slow down so I can show you more!" I want to sit and listen to Him, even if I know the Truth might be hard to swallow. I have so much that He needs to strip away, to make me more like Him, in His image. However, wanting to do it and doing it...very different things.

Last week, God just rocked my world with an answer regarding my post, "Hands Tied Behind My Back." Although the answer wasn't ideal, the peace that I feel is incredible. I know that He heard my cry, heard my prayer, my plea for an answer. He didn't forget about me. It came about in a way that only He could do. Now comes the hard part...waiting and trusting in Him. I tend to "think musically" and there is a song that I love by Greg Long, called The Waiting. If I can remember parts of it.. "I want a peace that goes beyond my understanding and the promise that will come, from the blessing of the waiting." So I will wait. I will wait on the Lord to move in my life, to move big. To move in me. But I'm so thankful that waiting is not passive. Just because I wait on the Lord, does not mean that I do nothing. I will still love Him, I still will seek Him, I will still serve Him, I still will follow hard after Him. I know that it will be worth it...not only the result, but the blessings that will come from waiting on Him. God is never too early, never too late, His timing is perfect. It will not be easy. There will be uncertainty, tears and joy mixed in there too. So I wait for Him.

Answered Prayers

So many times, we mention things for prayer and then we forget to praise Him for the answers...or let people know that they were answered! Before I left for Croatia, I posted some specific things to pray for. I know that many of you (or the few who read this!) prayed for these things. The prayers were felt...it is beyond words to describe. I never in my life had felt the prayers of people before so powerfully- from the days leading up to the trip and while we were there. So I thought that I would share the list and show that they were all answered!! God is good!!


Traveling safety--we had some trouble in Memphis, but we got there safely, despite nearly missing our flight to Germany!
Wisdom in counseling the women- it was so neat, sometimes the words would just come out and I was like "where is that coming from??"
Compassion- i was able to love these women
Unity for the team- both the US Team and the Balkan team--Whoa!!!!! The unity here was incredible...I felt like I had known these women my whole life. We were able to pray and worship together- it was so beautiful.
Strength- we kept going and going
Endurance- - wasn't too bad
Spiritual renewal in the lives of the women- amen!!!! Brokenesss, fresh faith, joy, grace was abound
Laughter for these women- Lots and lots of laughter---a cheerful heart is good medicine.

I am changed....I am not the same. This trip totally transformed my life. I experienced the power of prayer in so many different ways. My God is good!

What Family Looks Like....

November is the month for Thanksgiving and is usually when we talk about what we are thankful for (even though we need to be thankful all of the time-not just one time of the year.) Last night, I was reminded of one thing that I am truly thankful for...family. Yes, I'm thankful for my parents and my extended family, but last night I was thankful for my "adopted family."(not really the word I was looking for, but I couldn't think of what else to call it.)

I think that as a single person, you begin to define family differently. The definition changes and your circle expands. I've known the H family for probably all of my 27 years. J and I went to the same church and her parents have known my parents, and she was my children's choir director. She married E and they had D. I changed his diapers! Then they had their Princess D and shortly after that, E became my youth minister. Princess D and I have a bond like nothing else I've ever experienced. I love her like she is my own. She couldn't say my name when she was little so she started calling me "Nana." 11 years later, I'm still Nana. I remember her chubby arms reaching for me to hold her and her sticking her lip out when I didn't do what she wanted me to do. Then came A, who is 100% boy. Ahh, I love that kid. I can still remember him singing "Jesus Loves Me" on the phone to me when he was about 3...made Nana's heart smile. On a recent visit, out of the blue, A asks me, "Nana, are you fam-i-lee?(that's how it sounded!) And I said, "Well, I'm kind of like family." He replied, "Then, how come you don't look like my mama?" (they are all blue eyed and blonde haired--if you know me, I'm not!!) The H's are a constant presence in my life. Besides going to church with them, I would stop by to see them on my home from college on the weekends. When I started grad school, they moved to North La. A year later, I followed.

I can't begin to describe how much this family means to me. E has been a great example of obedience to me. J is the big sister that I've never had. She has listened to me moan about being single, listened to my frustrations at work, and let me crash at her house on the weekends. Last night, we were talking about how the kids were growing up so fast (they are 14, 11, and 6..yikes!) J made the comment about a situation with Princess D. She said, "I wanted to tell her...talk to your Nana about this!" That made me laugh. And feel needed. And feel loved.

As a social worker, my help is often not wanted by people. And certainly, in their mind, not needed. There are many days where I feel defeated, like I'm wasting my time, feeling a failure. And sometimes, being single makes it worse. I know that marriage is not everything, but it would be nice to feel valued, needed.

I've realized that in this season of singleness, God does a variety of things to meet my needs. He has given me friends that are amazing, adventures that I could have only dreamed about, and family that loves me. Even if they look a little different from me.

Lessons from Croatia

I've got so much to talk about in regards to Croatia!! So I figured I may need to do it in pieces, although the pieces will probably not be in any particular order! I learned so much from this trip. Probably the biggest lesson (and by the far, the coolest!) was more about the Holy Spirit. I've always known God the Father and the God the Son, but while in Croatia, I really began to know God the Spirit. Learning about how He moves, how He speaks to me, how He guides me, how He is unseen yet felt. The whole weekend was Spirit filled and led by the Holy Spirit--probably because the whole thing was bathed in prayer from both sides of the ocean!

On Saturday morning, the morning session was awesome. It ended up being nearly a full hour of pure worship and pure praying--genuinely loving each other as sister's in Christ. I met Sherri at the conference and she was in my small group. Sherri is in her mid forties and lives in the US. Earlier in the year, one of the missionaries came to her church and they kept in touch. 3 ago, God told Sherri to come to Croatia, she wasn't sure why, just to come. So she came with the missionary to the conference and was a huge help and blessing! She really felt like God was calling her out from where she was from--she just wanted to be obedient. During the morning session, I prayed over her. Just praying for wisdom and direction. I often think "musically" and in my prayers, it is no exception. I was trying to think of the words of a particular song while I was praying and they wouldn't come. I just prayed, "Lord, let her run with reckless abandon to You." She shot up and her eyes were wide as saucers and she had this huge smile on her face. She asked me, "What did you say? Did you just say Reckless Abandon? Did God tell you to say that?" I told her yes, it just came out. She told me that three years ago, to the week...she felt God lead her to write this poem, entitled..."Reckless Abandon"! She had never told anyone about it and had not looked it at since. She had the poem on her computer and showed it to me...it talks about running after God. We both just sat there in amazement and laughing...God showed up!! At times during the conference, I felt like a waste of time because I wasn't counseling. But God sent me from the South to Croatia to be there for Sherri. It was incredible!!!! You just have to be willing...you never know what He is up to!

Tagged

I "stole" this from Laura's site..i thought it was fun and different.

I am: determined
I have: a job that I'm called to do
I dislike: being lied to
I miss: my grandparents
I fear: that I'll never get married
I think: that gas prices are coming down
I know: that Jesus is my Savior
I have no idea: how the Presidential election will turn out
I want: a house of my own
I hope: that I will get a phone call soon
lI feel: productive
I smell:my heater
I crave: chocolate chip cookies
I cry: when I am extremley tired
I search: for the the bottom of my desk!
I wonder: did i do something wrong?
I regret: being so selfish
I love: spending time with my friends
I care: about my "kids"
I always: take a bath at night
I worry: about the future
I am not: perfect
I remember: spending time with my dad when I was little
I believe: that God is in control
I dance: to God's grace
I sing: All the time!!
I don’t always: do my best
I wish: my dreams will come true
I listen: to my IPOD when I clean
I don’t understand: how people can harm an innocent child
I can usually be found: at work!
I need: to see my family soon
I forget: lots of different things
I am: blessed beyond measure, loved by God

Now, It's your turn!

Hands Tied Behind My Back

I know that everyone is waiting to hear about my trip and that will come...soon. My computer is still sick and now I'm at work (yes, I know it's Sunday, but I had to come on campus for somehting else, so I decided to check my email here.) This post has something to do with my trip, well at least with lessons learned from the trip.

The conference theme was "Moving to the Rhythm of His Grace." That was so powerful to me...to learn to walk to His pace, to His steps, to His guiding. Which leads me to the title, "Hands Tied Behind My Back." One thing that God has shown me lately is the need for surrender. Surrendering of everything. All of my plans, my dreams, my agenda. For example, at the conference, I was supposed to be there as a counselor. There were 50 women there and I had at least 6-8 slots. I saw 4 people all weekend and one person twice. I think if I had told her that she could come for the rest of the available times, she would have. I really didn't do much counseling, I just listened. I was feeling a bit defeated, like, "Why did I come here?" But when I let go and acknowledged the fact that God had called me here and that I answered the call, He used me in incredible ways.

There is a particular situation in my life (it's a good one, it's just that I'm not going to get into specifics here..if you want to know, ask. I don't mind telling you.) that is very difficult for me to surrender to the Lord. But I want to, I need to. I want to lay it down at His feet and leave it there, not pull it back. One of the hardest things for me is to realize that i'm not in control. (anybody else relate?) I want this so badly, to work out, to be great. But I'm also realizing that it can't be great, it can't even be possible if I don't lay it down. Last night, I was praying about it and the image of my hands being tied behind me came to my mind. That' s what I pictured: me at the feet of Jesus, laying this burden at His feet, humbly bowed, but my hands tied behind me so that I can't pick it back up, even if I wanted to. Strange. But honestly, that's how I feel. Lord, keep my hands tied as long as You need them to be. Teach me to walk in Your rhythm of grace, to your speed.

I'm back!

I made it in last night around 8:30. I've never been so glad to be back in the USA! Now, I'm still reeling a bit from the jet lag. The conference was incredible!!!! I'm still processing everything, but God was able to do increasing more than i ever thought was imaginable or possible. I was just willing. Croatia is absolutley gorgeous. I had a great quiet time in front of the Adratic Sea. I had a wonderful time, but am ready to get home. Work awaits me tommorrow, and I've already been warned that it is chaotic. But I'm going to trust my God to meet my needs. More later!

Leaving on a jet plane...

My bags are almost packed...and I'm getting ready to fly out on Monday to Croatia. I'm super excited. The Lord has been so good! Friday was a very smooth day at work, I'm way more organized and almost fully packed, the Lord provided for my every need for this trip through some very dear friends, a dear friend washed, waxed, vacummed and had the oil changed on my car simply because he wanted to give back to me. Wow! I still can't believe that I'm going to Croatia! I'm super excited for the opportunity to serve these precious women. I can't wait to hear about what God is doing in their lives in the Balkan area, and to also just encourage them and love on them. I need this trip as much as they do. I need to be renewed, refreshed, recharged, challenged, refocused. I'm already reaping the blessings of being obedient, but I can't wait to see what else God has in store for me.

Going overseas has a been a desire of my heart for several years, one that I only shared with one or two people. I knew that one day I would go overseas, even if just for a short time, but had no idea how, when, where, or even how God was going to do it. But He blew me away....rocked my world with this opportunity. I just had to be faithful in the here and now. In where He had me today. "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 36:4. How true this is!!!!!!! I'm seeing that in more ways than one.

I'm going to try to blog some while i'm there, but internet will be scarce. I have unlimited text messages, so I may try to text some. Feel free to text me! They are 7 hours ahead, so if you get random texts at odd hours, it's me!

• A few things to pray for:
• Traveling safety--especially for the 8 hour flight from Germany to Croatia!
• Wisdom in counseling the women
• Compassion
• Unity for the team- both the US Team and the Balkan team
• Strength
• Endurance- it's going to some long days, not helping- jet lag
• Spiritual renewal in the lives of the women
• Laughter for these women

Thanks for the prayers. See you in a week!

New Chapter

Okay, I know it's been awhile since I've posted!! But my computer is still sick and things have been crazy busy with work, life and Croatia! I leave two weeks from tommorrow! I'm so excited....I'm so grateful for the opportunity be able to go...God doesn't forget our secret dreams!

Today was sort of a milestone for me...but this time, in a good way. 9 years ago today, my ex-boyfriend, Shane, was killed in a forklift accident. (I think I mentioned him in a previous post...if not and you want to know about it, just ask. Don't really feel like typing it all out here..besides its not that important anymore.) Every year up until about the past 2 years, I've dreaded this day. I made sure that I was busy, either out of town, with friends, whatever, anything to keep me from thinking about it. Today, it hit me while driving home from BR, what day it was. As time went on, this day got easier, so much that I often have to stop and remind myself what day it was.

Today, instead of being sad, I was thankful. Truly thankful. Grateful. Thankful that God knew what He was doing all along, thankful for His sovereignity, thankful for the lessons that I learned, thankful for the way that He restored my broken heart and gave me new dreams, thankful for Shane being a part of my life, yet equally thankful that things did not turn out the way that I wanted them to. It was a sweet time of worship, just pouring my heart out to the Lover of My soul, to the Great Healer, who loves me. My soul welled up with thankfulness. 9 years ago, I never would have in a million years imagined this day...the day that I would be truly okay with the way that things turned out...that I would come to accept God's will, no matter how much it hurt. There were days when I could barely breathe...i felt like the air was sucked out of the room, that I couldn't quit crying, that I was so mad, that I just didn't understand. Now my days are filled with laughter, joy unspeakable, new hope, and new dreams.

I feel like a new chapter in my life is beginning. It's incredible to see how God has worked in my life over the past 9 years, and to where He brought me today. I remember in my grief, there were days when I was certain that I would never smile again. Over the past few days, I haven't stopped smiling! I was sure that my life was over...little did I know that it was just beginning. Oh, how God is good!

Hurricanes

Growing up in South La., we never had snow days. Instead we had hurricane days! You could usually bet that you would get at least one or two days off of school a year during hurricane season. Hurricane Andrew was the worst...no power for like a week! Ahh...bliss: being stuck inside with 90 degree temps, no tv, no nothing!

I was supposed to go vist my parents for Labor day, but Gustav changed my plans. So instead, I went to Dallas for the weekend...cheesecake factory, shopping, new shoes...fun stuff! I've been off of work yesterday and today because of the flash flooding. Luckily, i've not lost power. My parents on the other hand...not so lucky. They've been without power since Monday and it's not showing any signs of being back on any time soon. And my grandmother is staying with them because the nursing home lost power and was forced to evacuate. My mom's patience is wearing thin. My grandmother has Parkinsons and is on tons of medicine and doesn't handle change very well. So pray for them! It's been kind of nervewracking for me because I know they are safe but I can't go home and am not sure when I'll be able to get down there. At least the phone connections are better than Katrina.

The rain has been soothing at night to go to sleep, but certainly not when I nearly got stuck in my neighborhood yesterday. I was trying to be good and work out, but only got halfway out of my neighborhood before I decided to turn back. All this rain is making me in a funky mood! But at least the sun is out for now. More later!

A lot going on

I'm still here! My computer is still sick, and I've finally gotten internet at work, but my blogs have not been consistent still, as I was reminded of this last night (thanks, Patrick!) A lot has been going on: new project at work finally is up and running, doctor's appointments and tests (I've had this sharp pain in my side for nearly two weeks..not fun!) getting ready to go to Croatia, life in general!

This weekend I went to columbia for my old youth minister's surprise 40th birthday/5 year church anniversary party. The kids were so excited to see Nana and made Nana feel extra special..ahh, i love these kids, but it's so nice to leave them at their house! LOL

So much has happened....a lot of reflection going on. But I will share this cool story that God has used to rock my world. A few posts back, I mentioned about my dear friend who was diagnosed with cancer and facing an uncertain road. About three weeks ago, he was having further tests to see what type of treatment needed to be done, stages, etc. Well, he called me a few days after he had the tests done and the doctors gave him a clean bill of health!!! No cancer any where! And on top of it...there was no evidence of scar tissue from the three previous surgeries nearly four years ago. I was speechless!!! I've heard of stories about people who have had this happened to them, but I never knew anyone personally. I saw how sick my friend was....so sick that he was in so much pain that he could barely lift his head. I was reminded of Thomas when Jesus told him to place his hands where the nails had been...that was the only way that Thomas would believe. Sometimes seeing is believing! This just reminded me of how God is truly the Great Physician and that He is still in the miracle business. I think sometimes we forget this. So look around, God still performs miracles! More later!

i'm still alive

Just a quick update....i'm still here! my internet has been down on my computer at home and at work!!!! I promise I'll write more soon! But my news is this: I'M GOING TO CROATIA!!!! I'm super uber excited. It's a mission trip to lead a women's conference for missionary wives. I'm going as a counselor. I'm thrilled beyond belief, amazed at how God put all the pieces together. More soon

Pondering, Processing, and Praying

Not much to write tonight, except that I could use really use your prayers right now. An incredible opportunity has presented itself, and I just need direction and clarity. I'll write more soon. It's exciting. And no, Dean, I'm not quitting my job. :)

10 years ago

I was talking to my former youth minister's wife the other day and she was asking what year did the youth group first go to camp with them. It was the summer of 1998. 10 years ago! yikes! After I hung up with her, I thought back to that summer of 1998. The summer that would forever change my life. 10 years ago, I surrendered to the ministry. I know that as Christians, we are all called to the ministry, but I think that God calls us all to different ministries in different forms. Enough said...i really don't feel like getting into a theological debate over this one. LOL

I remember it as if it were yesterday. We were at Student Life camp at La. Tech. I was student leader with my youth minister. We had a group of middle schoolers. Ugh! To a soon to be senior in high school, middle schoolers, are well, uncool! :) The week was okay. I just didn't really feel like God was speaking to me or doing anything in my life that week. Oh, He was. I hadn't gotten to the last day of camp yet. The last session, Rick Ousley was speaking about committment and being called to serve God. He gave an invitation for people to come forward if they felt called to full time ministry. Well, of course, I didn't go down because He wasn't calling me. I stood in my seat, eyes closed and just worshiping Him. Then I heard Him. "Serve Me." So clearly. Right to my heart. I just stood there, not moving, not saying anything tears rolling down my face. My youth minister's wife, Jodi, was standing by me and I just turned to her and she hugged me. I couldn't say anything. (she later told me that she knew what was going on!) The next few days, I was a wreck. Did I hear God? What did that mean? Did He really call me? I knew that if I said yes to Him, then that was it...I had to obey.

The next week, I went to another camp with a different church. I spent that time just praying, asking God to show me what to do. Satan was having a field day with me...doubt, confusion, fear, the works. One day,during the week, I turned to Romans 11:29, "for God's call and his gifts are irrevocable." There was my answer. When I got back, I talked with my pastor. I still had no idea what it was that God was calling me to do. Bro. Bill told me that I didn't have to know right now. I just had to be obedient. God would show me. I had always thought about being a missionary or doing ministry work, but never felt the call. But now, God called me. And oh the places I would go.

God has given me some incredible opportunities over the past ten years. He lead me to a great BCM where I was challenged in my faith and learned so much about servant leadership. He fed my heart for missions by allowing me to be a summer missionary for two summers and go on various mission trips. I was a GA camp counselor. I taught countless preschool classes for VBS. I thought for sure that seminary was in the plan. It wasn't. God shut that door (or should I say, slammed it shut!) I could go on and on about all that He has shown me, but I don't think there would ever be enough room!

Along the way, God has clarified that call to ministry a bit. I still don't know exactly what my ministry entails. I don't have to know. He does. I remember after my last summer missions experience, I felt Him whisper, "Serve Me with your whole life." I've often wondered does that mean marrying a minister? Traveling overseas? Seminary? A few months ago, I seriously considered being a Journeyman with the IMB in Kenya. I told my parents and my boss. (both flipped out!) But I felt God leading me to do this. The door eventually closed, but my faith was challenged. God wanted me to be obedient.

As I was traveling today, I thought about my ministry over the past ten years. I thought, "Have I made God proud of me? Is He proud of how I've lived my life? Have I used this time or just wasted it?" I thought back to my senior year of college. Graduation was looming and I was more confused than ever. I really wanted to go to seminary, which didn't look it was going to happen. I knew I had to go to grad school, so I was faced with the decision between two schools. I kind of had the mentality of that I would meet my husband at the BCM. Well that certainly didn't happen! My friend, Joe, was speaking at our chapel about priorities. He said something that has stuck with me. "God shouldn't be a priority. He should be the page that we write our priorities on." As I listened, I felt God whisper to me, "50 years from now, it isn't going to matter how many letters you have behind your name,or rather you were married or not. What matters is how you lived your life for Me."

So now I have my dream job in ministry, but that still doesn't matter. No matter what I do, I'm going to live for Him.

Growing Pains

What a week this has been! Although it has been much better than last week, Praise the Lord!!! I am finally able to see accomplishment from the past 9 months and can see the fruit of the often tedious labor. My "baby" will hopefully arrive sometime next week...I don't mean a real baby, but my big project that feels like my baby. I had plans for the weekend with a friend, but that got changed. I found out that I have to be in SW LA on Monday for an adoption meeting, so i was planning on leaving on sunday. Then I found out I have to head to Baton Rouge for something but i can tie in a trip home, so a lot of traveling the next few days...not a great time to be out of the office, but it works.

Lately, I've been feeling the effects of growing pains. I'm growing up. Yikes! Not that I haven't already realized this, but now it just seems more obvious. I've been out of high school for 9 years, out of college for 5, out of grad school for 4, and have been a social worker for 4 years. It's so hard to believe how far God has brought me. I feel the pain of the stretching and growing that God has been doing in my life. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes we don't realize the beauty of the pain, the growing pains, until afterwards. I talked to someone today who had struggled with infertility for several years and was told that there was no way that she would conceive without medical intervention. Surprise!!! She's pregnant!!! and without any medical intervention! She told me that now she can see the beauty in the pain of infertility, of how God ordained every part of the journey, how He told her to simply "Be still and know that I am God."

The past few months have been some of the most difficult in my life. But I have seen God move, I have seen Him grow me in ways that I never thought were possible...the growing pains haven't been so bad after all.

About me

I saw this on Lots of Scotts http://www.lotsofscotts.blogspot.com.. thought it might be fun for something different!

What were you doing 10 years ago?Getting ready to start my senior year of high school and dreading graduation ( for some reason, I was terrified!)

Favorite Snacks:chocolate chip cookies, fruit, yogurt


To Do List: not a huge fan of this, but my new job is forcing me to like it...what's on it: for work, too much to list!


Jobs I Have Had:Babysitter, file clerk, social worker, camp counselor, summer missionary

Places I Have Lived: Just Louisiana, if you don't count living in rural NW Arkansas for 10 weeks!

Bad Habits:eating out way too much, being a clutter bug, not listening very well

5 Random Things People May Not Know
1. I played basketball against Britney spears. No lie! 2. I have an autograph of Matthew McCaunaughey (signed to me!) 3. I sang at Hound Dog Hot Dog stand in Nashville, where Tim McGraw was discovered. 4. I love fitness magazines, but am not a huge fan of exercise,(although I did go work out tonight!) 5. I was a summer missionary for two summers.

.CDs I would want if stranded on an island:Chris Tomlin, Andy Davis, Josh Groban, Celine Dion

What I'd Do if I Were a Billionaire: buy a house, buy my parents a new house, adopt a child, go to seminary, travel, donate to missions, go overseas on a mission trip.

I tag: Sara, Leslie, Laura.

Without Schedules

I have had a great weekend, especially since it started on Friday! I didn't really do anything special or anything that I had to do, which made it even better. I slept in, had coffee with a friend, went window shopping at some stores that I will never shop at and now know why I don't shop there! (250.00 for a dress...not for me!) Spent some time at hobby lobby, ate a delicious chocolate with peanut butter icing cupcake from Curlz's Cupcakes (if you haven't been there yet, you're missing out!) painted, not a whole lot of anything that I absolutley had to do. Then today, I slept really late (10:30!!) and then decided to have some friends over for dinner, ran to Walmart, cleaned, and made peach cobbler. Ahhh....it was so nice to just go at my own pace.

Tonight, I had my friends, Brooklyn and Foshe, over for dinner. They are getting ready to move to Nashville next week. I first met Foshe when he came to our life group last summer then met Brooklyn when they started dating. They got married in December and I had the honor of singing at their wedding. (What a day that was....due to major traffic issues, I got to the church right as the wedding was supposed to start!!) We just talked about life, their move, nothing in particular. As we sat there talking, I was kind of sad. Sad that this would probably be the last time that we were all living the same area, sad that I wouldn't get to see them at church anymore, but most of all, sad that we didn't get to know each other better. I mean, we're friends, and we hang out, but really get to know them.

Life gets in the way sometimes. We get busy. We put it off until later. Then later comes and it's too late. The moment has passed. Tonight, I brought some leftover cobbler to a friend who just moved into my apt.complex. I was thinking, "Why don't I do this more often for people?" I love doing things for others. It's just that sometimes, I get so precoccupied with me. I can barely keep up with my own schedule, barely make time to get the necessary things done. Doing for others kind of falls to the wayside.

I kind of liked living without a schedule for the past few days. It has birthed in me a desire to be more intentional, less rigid. It made me realize that life is so busy, that I need to slow down. I hope that you can experience one day without a schedule....it's a challenge!

Friday

After a rough week, I'm off today. Not really sure what I'm going to do, but whatever it is, I'm going to enjoy it! Be sure to stop by the Pink Potpourri. It's Friday Giveaway! http://www.allieparkersthoughts.blogspot.com Happy Friday!

Breathe In, Breathe Out

The past few days have been crazy, and that's putting it mildly! My week started Sunday night when I spent 5 hours at work dealing with a situation. The situation carried over onto Monday, then the licensing people showed up unexpectedly, you name it happened. A lot of the duties regarding the licensing people fell to me, and I needed 5 of me yesterday. I was so cranky, if one more person told me how tired I looked or asked me if I felt bad..I wanted to just yell "Shut up!" and run away. Now, I know this not is exactly what Jesus would do, but in my humaness, that's what I felt like doing. Thankfully, I didn't.

Last week, I came across this great blog www.lotsofscotts.blogspot.com and the writer was talking about going to the Deeper Still conference with Beth Moore, Kay Arthur and Priscilla Shirer. I've never heard Kay Arthur, but Beth Moore and Priscilla Shirer are incredible! Anyway, she talked about this song that Priscilla read. It's called "He Is" by Aaron Jeoffrey. (and yay, it's available on I tunes!!!) I was in high school when I first heard this song, and it blows me away as much now as it did 12 years ago. It's one of those that I can listen to over and over again and thanks to I tunes, I can. LOL But seriously, the words are incredible.

Several times over the past few days, I have listened to this song before I went to bed. In the dark, just listening. I desperately wanted Him to breathe into me the very being of who He is (if that makes any sense, it just came to me!) I wanted to know truly that He is the breath of Life, that He is my song, that He is the glorious treasure, my restorer, above all my Redeemer. I don't ever want to forget who He is....day by day, moment by moment. So I'll take it one day at a time, breathing in and breathing out.

"He Is" by Aaron Jeoffrey

In Genesis, He's the breath of life
In Exodus, He is the Passover Lamb
In Leviticus, He's our high priest
In Numbers, the fire by night
Deuteronomy, He's Israel’s Guide
Joshua, He’s salvation's choice
Judges, He’s Law Giver
In Ruth, the kinsmen's redeeme
r1st and 2nd Samuel, our trusted prophet
In Kings and Chronicles He is Sovereign
In Ezra, He’s the true and faithful scribe
In Nehemiah, the re-builder of broken walls and lives
In Esther, He’s Mordecai's courage
In Job, the timeless redeemer
In Psalms He is our morning song
In Proverbs, He is our wisdom's cry
Ecclesiastes, He's the time and season
In Song of Solomon, He is the lover's dream
In Isaiah He is Prince of Peace
In Jeremiah, the weeping prophet
Lamentations, the cry for Israel
Ezekiel, the call from sin
Daniel, the stranger in the fire
Hosea, the forever faithful
Joel, the spirit’s power
Amos, the strong-arms that carry us
Obadiah, the Lord our Savior
Jonah, the great missionary
Micah, the promise of peace
Nahum, our strength and shield
In Habakkuk and Zephaniah, He's brings revival
In Haggai He restores that which was lost
IN Zachariah, He’s our fountain
And in Malachi, He's the son of righteousness rising with healing in His wings
In Matthew Mark Luke and John, He is God Man and Messiah
In the book of Acts, He is the fire from Heaven
In Romans, He is the grace of God
Corinthians, the power of love
Galatians, freedom from the curse of sin
Ephesians, our glorious treasure
Philippians, the servant's heart
Colossians, He’s God and the trinity
Thessalonians, our calling King
In Timothy, Titus and Philemon, He's our mediator and our faithful pastor
In Hebrews, the everlasting covenant
In James, the one who heals the sick
In 1st and 2nd Peter, our faithful shepherd
In John and Jude, He's the lover coming for His bride
AND in the Revelation, , He is King of Kings and Lord of Lords,
Prince of Peace,
son of Man,
Lamb of God,
The Great I am,
Alpha and Omega,
God and Savior
He is Jesus Christ the Lord
And when time is no more, He is!!

Love Them Like Jesus

Tonight, we had our staff banquet at work. It was a lot of fun, good food, lots of laughter. It's kind of our last "hurrah" before things pick back up and get in gear. Every year we have a theme as a staff. This year it's more of a song, but still a theme. It's "Love them Like Jesus" by Casting Crowns. (I'm blog illiterate, so I have no idea how to add music or links...help anyone?) My boss talked about how we need to love our kids like Jesus does, that this is evident in our actions. We also had a testimony by a friend of a former resident who talked about the impact that our agency had on her life.

I got an update on some of my kids (once Miss Ashley's kid, always Miss Ashley's kid) and my heart just broke. I wanted to run right to them and wrap them in my arms and love on them. Love the pain away. Love the lies away. Love the anger away. Love the disappointment away. Love the hate and hurt away. To love them like Jesus. These kids are so dear to me. It's one of the few times that I can say that it really got to me, that I "brought work home with me." I remember the sleepless nights, the feeling of total and utter helplessness, of my hands being tied, being unable to do anything, feeling sick at my stomach. I love these kids as if they were my own. I was in the trenches with them for nearly two years. Talk about seeing the good, the bad, and the really ugly. I cried with them, I laughed with them. (one of them even threw up in my car...now that's devotion. LOL)

I watched as my worst fear came true. I was helpless. Nothing at all that I could do. At times like this, is when I question my calling. Did I hear God right? Social Worker??? I'm not a miracle worker. I have to remember that God is in control and is sovereign, even when it doesn't make sense to me. It doesn't have to make sense to me. My job is to simply love them, love them like Jesus. So I'll love them when my heart hurts, I'll love them when they hurt. I'll love them like Jesus. Who do you need to love like Jesus?

Crossed Paths

We are so connected in this world! It's amazing how many people that I've re-connected with and connected with via Facebook (I guess all this technology isn't so bad after all!) and blog world. Today, I had one of those re-connections. I got a message on Facebook from one of my childhood best friends, I'll call her D. It was a total shock and surprise. I haven't seen her or talked to her in probably 9 years. D and I played softball together when we were in middle school and part of high school. That's also how I met my BFF Jessica. During most of our middle school and high school years, we were the Three Muskateers. We were inseparable. We did everything together,softball, sleepovers, all of the usual girly stuff. D's family was very different from mine, and well, D was very different from me. It was crazy that we were even friends. I know that I tried to live my for Christ so that she would see Him in me, but I can't really remember if I ever talked to her about Jesus. If I did, she probably just rolled her eyes at me.

D's parents made some choices that affected her and then she made her own share of poor decisions. Our lives were totally different and we went down different paths. I kept up with her from time time through her sister, but that was sporadic. I knew that she was married and had a baby. So imagine my surprise when I heard from her. We messaged back and forth. I told her about my life now and she told me about hers. She said that she was happy, but she sounded utterly miserable. I got to thinking later: she is where I want to be. She's married and has a family. But I realize that those things are not going to bring me happiness and peace. Christ alone will. My heart broke for her. Of course she's miserable. She doesn't know the One who can bring her joy, fill her life and her heart. I don't think it's any coincidence that she just "happened" to email me. I pray that God will use me to witness to her. Even if it is with my life, because she may still roll her eyes at me. That' s okay. I'm going to love her anyway.

Weekend..unplugged

I had a wonderful weekend..unplugged from the internet and most of the time, my cell phone. I made great time on Thursday and got in before dark. Friday, we got together at my aunt and uncle's house and grilled out and just visited. We got my Maw Maw from the nursing home, and for the first time in a while, all the grandkids and great grands were there. We bought some fireworks for the little ones to shoot and it was so funny...somehow the bag of fireworks caught on fire! I think one of the little ones had a sparkler and the sparks touched the bag..all of sudden, I was like, "My feet are hot!" and then I looked down to see the bag on fire. Breland was standing where the grass caught on fire..he couldn't figure out what was going on!

Friday night, me and the folks went to Barnes and Nobles for coffee. I picked up a travel book for NYC (which hopefully, I'll be visiting next year!!) and the new Andy Davis CD. (no relation!) Andy's dad used to be my former pastor and his mom taught me in Sunday School. I'm not a big fan of pop music, but oh my goodness, the CD is incredible!!! check him out at www.myspace.com/andydavismusic

Saturday, I went to my Maw Maw's to "clean." She moved into a nursing home last year and we're getting ready to rent out her house, so I went to see if there was anything that I wanted. I got some of her costume jewelry, two children's books, a plant stand, and my favorite...this little wooden chair that all of the grandkids used when we were little. I discovered something Saturday..I think I inherited some of my packrat tendecies from her! The woman has saved every card that was ever given to her (it was like 4 boxes!) and I found a chest that had dr bills from 1965!!! it had a four cent stamp on it, lab work was $3.00, dr visit was $17!!

I got to thinking as I was looking through her stuff...why do we hang on to things? Do we think we're going to use them again? That we may one day need them? Are we too afraid to let go? What happens when we stockpile...the pile just grows and grows and can be huge to tackle. I looked at this from a different angle....we often hold on to things in our life...jealousy, bitterness, pride, fear, the list continues. Eventually the piles grow and grow, they rot, they become difficult to get rid of. So just something to think about...what are you stockpiling?

Part of the Journey

Fourth of July is this weekend...I'm so excited for the chance to get away for a little while and just spend time with my family. This 4th July marks 4 years that I have been on my own in the real world. I moved 4th of July weekend. I remember how scared and excited I was. I was fresh out of grad school, ready to change the world. (Ha! social worker, remember?) I was moving away for the first time, but not just on my own, but 200 miles away! I knew no one, except for my old youth minister and his family, who live about 30 minutes away from me. I remember that weekend being so busy of trying to get everything unpacked, my pantry stocked, learning my way around town (thankfully, Walmart was right across the highway!). I remember when it came time for my parents to finally leave, my mom was fighting back the tears and we kept putting off saying goodbye. Finally, I was like, "Okay, just go. We're both a blubbery mess!" She cried and I cried. I had no idea what the next four years would teach me.

Moving away has been the best decision that I have ever made. I always said that I wanted to live on my own before I got married. I learned to be dependent on God for everything. I remember many nights, crying on the phone to my mom, because of how lonely I was. He sent me incredible friendships (including one random meeting at a Bible Study!- Sara!). He lead me to an incredible church family. I never realized how important your church family was until I moved. I remember when I joined the church I attend now, Pastor Bill said, "I know how hard this is for you. We want to be your family."

My job....my job. I moved here to work at a hospital. What a learning experience that was!! I learned so much...i had to be careful not to let my eyes pop out of my head. "Now you're 21 and this is baby number...4??" There were some days where I absolutley loved that job, then there were days where I hated it..with a passion. I remember sitting in my dear friend and 2nd mom, Sheryl's living room for bible study. I just cried about how miserable I was in my job and that I knew that God had called me here, called me to be a social worker, but how I didn't know what to do. We prayed. We cried. We prayed some more. It was so neat to see over a period of time how God just guided my every move to where I am now. I'm in my dream job. (well, most of the time it is...)

I look back over the past four years. I'm amazed at the person that I've become....my mom was telling me the other day that she couldn't believe some of the experiences that I've had and that I'm where I am today. Me neither. My God is so gracious, so merciful, so faithful. There were days when I wanted to throw my hands up and move back home. I remember one time actually thinking, "I want to move back home, at least I actually have friends there." I very quickly learned here who were my friends and who weren't, but I'm so thankful for the friends that I do have! Four years ago, I never would have thought that I would be where I am today. Now, granted part of that included that I thought that I would be married by now. but that' s okay.

This part of the journey has been long: winding roads, twists and turns, heartache, disappointment, uncertainity. The journey has also been beautiful: lessons of grace, hope, faithfulness, mercy, seeing God meet my every need, seeing Him break me down to mold me into who He wants me to be, learning to see that He is more than enough for me, that He truly satisfies.

I'm not sure what the next four years will look like, or even next week. But I know that wherever He leads me, I will go.

Another Lesson Learned...

Do you ever just feel like that God keeps trying to show the same lesson repeatedly, but for some reason, you just don't get it? I know that we've all been there. I think that mine has been lately is "Slow down." Some days I just feel like I'm on auto pilot, flitting from one thing to the next. Slowing down is an important thing. Think about why we have speed limits, why there are signs that say "Slow Down, children at play." When we move too fast, we don't pay attention, we get careless. Slowing down prevents major things from happening.

Yesterday, I had a prime lesson in this, but it was also a lesson in grace. I shared some information from a dear friend in the form of a prayer request. (I know, I know..typical Christian execuse for gossiping) but honestly, I didn't even think about the outcome. I got the email and hit forward. Only later when someone else asked me about it, I was like, "Oh, shoot. " I didn't even to stop to ask if this was okay. I felt horrible. So i called my friend and apologized. I was crying, I felt so bad, like sick to my stomach, "I can't believe that I just did that" bad. I was expecting anger and hurt, but instead I got compassion and grace. He told me that he understood and that it was okay..it made it easier for people to know how to pray for the situation. I was still crying by this point, but felt much better. It could have been so much worse. What was an honest oversight could have had major implications.

I was thinking about this...how when we get so caught up in life, we forget to live wisely, to be careful, to slow down, we forget to think. God, teach me again to slow down.

Scavenger hunt

Last night, my LIFE group had a photo scavenger hunt. It was so much fun..I haven't done one of these since high school. My team lost, but it was a lot of fun. Here are a few things that I learned:

• Police officers do not like donuts.
• The backseat of a police car is very UNCOMFORTABLE! NO CUSHION! (i experienced this one!)
• You'd be surprised at how many people you can cram into a bathtub in an apartment.
• Total strangers look at you really funny when you ask them to take a picture of you or if you can take a picture of them.
• Toy stick horses are impossible to find.
• A dog is considered a wild beast (especially when it gnarls its teeth at you)
• Trying to take a picture of your team jumping in the air...not as easy as you would think.
• You can spell the word "FUN" with your body..standing up.
• Skateboards are a rarity.

I'm looking forward to the next two weeks...off at 3:00! Then the end of the week, I'm heading home to see my family for a long weekend. I'm looking forward to it..although by Sunday, I'm sure I'll be ready to come back. I love my parents, but then I'm reminded that I kind of like living on my own! We're having a family get together and I'll get to see my Maw Maw and other family that I haven't seen in a while. Okay, off to bed!

Things that Make me smile

This was my "light" post from the other night that I somehow managed to delete. The past few posts have been kind of deep, so I thought I would share some things that make me smile or laugh. It's so easy to get bogged down in the chaos and junk of life that we forget to "smell the roses." These are in no particular order!

1. White roses. I love any kind of flower but white roses are my absolute favorite. They're going to be in my wedding bouquet.
2. Matthew McCaunaghey- especially when I get to see his smiling face every day. Seriously, I have an autographed photo to me in my apt. It's a really cool story how I got it. Ask and I'll tell you!
3. Babies.
4. The smell of rain
5. Trips to the beach
6. Trips home
7. My weekly phone call to my Maw Maw
8. Thanksgiving dinner in Franklinton
9. Shopping the day after Thanksgiving
10. Watching Steel Magnolias for the billlionth time
11. How my mom falls asleep every time she and I try to watch a movie or TV together
12. Spending time with my dad
13. How my dad "complains" about me coming home. "So, when are you leaving?" He really does miss me, rather if he wants to admit it or not.
14. Starbucks with Jessica
15. Passion Iced tea lemonade and tofee almond bar from starbucks
16. Riding with misty in the mustang with the top down
17. Listening to my Ipod
18. Sleeping late on Saturdays
19. Spending the day doing absolutely nothing important
20. Reading
21. scrapbooking
22. Painting
23. When Deanna and Abram call me "Nana"
24. People Magazine
25. Singing
26. Reading other people's blogs
27. Listening to rain
28. Pedicures
29. dark chocolate
30. Blind dates--okay, I need to clarify here. Not that I particulary enjoy these, but I just laugh about some of the ones that I've been on. I'm not opposed to them either, so if you know someone... :)
31. Cleaning while listening to my Ipod (for some reason, I only like to clean while I'm listening to the Ipod
32. Missions
33. trips to mylos and target
34. traveling
35. listening to Abram sing
36. breakfast at Franks
37. cookies from Daily Harvest

I'm sure there's more...but that's all for now. I know that everyone likes free stuff, so head over to the Pink Potpourri http://allieparkersthoughts.blogspot.com Have a great weekend!

Whole

I had a typed a nice, light post last night, then forgot to save it! Don't you hate it when that happens? I really didn't feel like typing it again...another day. Today was a good day. Busy as usual, but good. I had lunch with some dear friends, including the one who I mentioned earlier that has cancer. It was nice to just talk, even though I felt like we were all avoiding the elephant in the room..the cancer. But the purpose of today's lunch was to minister to him and not focus on it.

I had to run some errands for work and then go to a meeting, so a good chunk of time was spent in the car. As I was in the car, I realized something. I felt different. I can't really describe it, just different. Not in a bad way. Just more relaxed, focused, at peace. Then I realized it later on in the day, for the first time in a long time, I felt whole. I knew that God had been at work. Surprise, surprise!!

I guess I need to back up a bit...and this is difficult to talk about, but I feel like God has carried me through the battle to minister to others. Off and on for the past three years or so, I've battled (and I say battle, because ask anyone who has been there, it is a battle!) depression and anxiety, more anxiety the past few months. I've been on medication and to counseling, both which have helped tremendously. I have a family history of depression, so that makes me more prone. From time to time, i've struggled with why this is happened to me. I've often said, "I feel like this is a curse, rather than a blessing." I've pleaded for God to take it away. I think that Christians feel like that they are in a bubble, that they are immune to it. I've struggled with the why, the thoughts of "who in the world is going to want to marry me because of this?" Over the recent months, I've realized that this is just something that I have to surrender to Him every day....it may not necessarily go away. But that He is enough...one thought that He gave me a while back was "This may be bigger than you, but it is not bigger than Me."

I've started trying to make a consistent effort to be in the Word (Laura, loved your post about spending time with Him- drowning out Hannah Montana!) I know that He is working in me...I'm so glad that He keeps on when we give up...I think that I had given up on being made whole. Now I'm not saying that I'm going to stop my meds or that I've been completely healed. I just feel whole- not missing pieces or feeling totally flawed. I have no idea where He is taking me next or what He will continue to do. Niole C Mullens has a great song out called "One Touch" and it talks about the woman with the issue of blood, who just wanted to touch His garment. I heard her at Women Of Faith and she sang this song...it is so powerful and said exactly what my heart was saying, if only I could touch just a bit of Him. So wherever you are, reach out....just brush the hem of His garment.

Seizing the Moments

You know how when you hear a sermon, you feel like God is talking to only you in the room? That's how I felt today...first off, the worship was incredible! You could feel the presence of God in the room. It's like Pastor Bill always says, "If that didn't get your fire going, then your wood must be wet!" The sermon was talking about seizing the most of the opportunities that God gives us but that sometimes there are giants in our midst. Pretty much what I got out of it was that no matter what the circumstance is, no matter where He leads me, my focus has to be on Him. Satan wants to distract me by turning my attention to the giants, and then causing them to mulitply, then I get so disoriented that I just throw my hands up in frustration and give up.

I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to be afraid to let go and say, "Okay. Here I am." I had a wonderful coffee time with my friend Sara the other night. We just talked, even though I felt like I was just rambling, about what God has been doing in our lives. You know, how you know that there is something going on, but you're not sure how to put it in words and then it feels like it's just jibberish when it comes out?

This morning, I felt renewed. I want to seize the moments that He gives to me....wherever He calls me to go, whatever He calls me to do. I felt hope, like this is going to be okay. I have no idea where this part of the journey will lead, but I don't have to know. I know that it will take effort on my part, but I know that God loves me too much to leave me this way. I want to be intentional in all that I do...life is too short. I found out today about a very dear friend whose cancer has returned....its really made me think...this person has the heart of a servant, is always putting others first, who has reached out to others and to me. So often I find myself complaining about my situation or feeling sorry for myself..but then I realize that it could be a lot worse. I want to live...not just merely exist, but live to make it count. I want to seize every moment that God gives me, especially the ones where He wants to change me.

Raw

I started to title this about being real, but then again, that was in an earlier post. God has been really hammering the word "real" into my head and heart lately. I've been in a place of self discovery, you know where you just kind step back and take a look at yourself...yuck! I don't like what I see. I was vulnerable and had two of my closest friends help me to see the forest in spite of the trees. I treasure the friendships with these two people more than they will ever know..(one of them is probably reading this! Love you Sara!) It's always a scary thing when you are vulnerable to people...you have to willing to be real and not be defensive or take offense. It was a hard pill to swallow with what I was told, but in all honesty, it was truth....total truth. I realized how shallow I am at times and how I limit God by setting these unrealistic expectations and standards...that I'm not trusting Him completely, that I don't think He is enough for me.

I've neglected my relationship with the Lord and I'm paying for it dearly. You know you just feel like all areas of your life are just out of control..like you just can't get it together, like it's just out of your grasp. The thing about it is I KNOW what I need to do...I'm just stubborn and afraid. Afraid of what I will find when I'm really honest with Him, afraid of what He'll show me or of what He will ask of me. (like going to Kenya!) I remember one time in a season of growth that I was afraid to be real with God and I felt Him whisper to me, "What are you afraid of? I'm not going to love you any less." Maybe that's what I'm afraid of. I promise i think in another life, I could be a Pharisee...i get so legalistic sometimes...that I think by just "doing" will be enough....uh, no...that misses the point completely. I know that until I am fully satisfied in Christ that no earthly relationship will do. But will I ever be there? (This question rolls around in my head alot!) I long for a husband, to be a wife and a mom....but I think that (well, more like I know) that the longing for Jesus is deeper...nothing compares. I need to focus on living loved by Him alone.

Tonight, I sang in chapel for work. I wasn't sure what I was going to sing until just a little while before it started. I sang the old hymn "Take My Life and Let It Be." I love the words of the entire song.... There is a line in there that I just absolutley love and I pray that it will become the cry of my life and heart...."Take my moments and my days, let them flow in ceaselss praise."

Am I ready for the pruning that needs to take place? I think of my heart compared to a wound that has difficulty healing. (Bear with me, I used to be a medical social worker!) When a person has a severe wound, debridement often has to take place. This scrapes off of the dead skin so that the fresh, new skin can surface. It's painful, very unpleasant. I feel like that this is what needs to happen to my heart...that God needs to scrape off of the junk: the pride, the shallowness, the fear, the legalism, the perfectionism...so that I will have the heart and life that He wants me to have. I know that this may seem very random and scattered...it may be, but it's my randomness and it's late! So, I want to choose to be scraped, sloughed off...laid raw before God so that He can restore me...so that my days may flow in ceaseless praise.

Father's Day

Once again, on Father's Day, I'm not at home to celebrate with my dad. This is nothing unsual..I honestly don't think I've been home on Father's day since i was in high school. I was always gone to camp or summer missions, and now I'm away from home. But never fear, I always manage to get a card and a gift..and a phone call. I got my dad the cutest card that describes us so well..it had a little girl sitting on her father's lap and said something to the effect of "I'll always remember what you used to tell me.." and then you open it up and says in big letters, "GET OFF OF THE PHONE!" That is so true...daddy used to say that I had a case of telephone ear.

Pastor Bill talked today about the man model and how men need to be in regard to their families, children, etc. I reflected on my dad. I love him to pieces, even if he can aggravate the fire out of me. (but hey, aren't dads supposed to do that?" My dad was and still is (to my mom) the provider for our family. From the time that I was about five until his recent semi retirement, he worked two jobs. Granted, this meant I didn't see him as much as I would like, but he did this for his family. His goal was to get me through college debt free...that was achieved and even grad school. I always knew that he loved me, even if I didn't always hear him say it. (my dad is a man of few words.) But he has the biggest heart of anyone that I know. It is because of his example that I have the career that I have today..he has taught me to give. I can remember he and I collecting toys and other items throughout the year to take the battered women's shelter, taking food for the food drive, buying toys for the Salvation Army. I have seen him help out two of his coworkers who are single parents by buying Christmas for their kids and helping my roomate out financially for college after her mother died. All of this without fanfare or recognition. He is a hard worker...always doing the right thing. Most importantly, he loves the Lord. I recently got to see my dad baptized..talk about thrilling my heart and answering a silent prayer of mine for years. He had grown up in church and was baptized really young, but just wanted to be sure that he knew the Lord. So a few months ago, my quiet, 60 year old daddy was baptized. When i found out that this was going to take place, my heart just sang (and I said it aloud a few times too!) "My daddy knows Jesus!" Ahhh...words cannot describe how that felt.

My parents have been married for 36 years. They have made it a priority to tithe and have passed that on to me. My mom told me that when my dad lost his job when I was three, she came home to find him working on the finances, and saw that tithing was at the top of the list. My mom said that she wasn't sure how they were going to make it, but knew that they would give to the Lord first. My dad is a Vietnam veteran...talk about sacrifice. Enough said.

I hope that one day, wherever he maybe (in the Sahara desert with sand in eyes, trying to find his way back to me!) my husband is just half the man that my daddy is. Dad, I know that you're not reading this, but I love you....thanks for being my dad!

The Beauty of Being Real

Ahh..the beauty of being real. I just experienced this and well it was refreshing. I went to the gym tonight for the first time in several weeks and ran into one of my closest friends here. Brandi and I work opposite schedules so being able to spend time together often requires a great deal of planning. So imagine my surprise when I saw her at the gym tonight. After our workout, we went to the park and got on the swings. I felt like a kid again, no care in the world. I had forgotten how much I loved to swing. We talked about where God has her right now and what all she has learned from a relationship that ended. Then we drove back to get my car and we just talked some more.

We talked about where God has us and our pasts. I spoke my mind to her about how I really felt about a particular situation. Then she said something to me that floored me. "You just seem perfect..like when everyone looks at you, you seem perfect." Yikes! I laughed and told her that I was far from it. I have inner scars that no one has else knows are there. I may look like I have it all together but that couldn't be farther from the truth. I have flaws, hangups. I'm impatient, I'm a clutterbug, I can be lazy at times, i'm not nearly as disciplined in my quiet time as I would like to be or need to be. I told her that I used to worry about having to be perfect or to appear perfect....that got to be so tiring and draining.

As we sat there talking, I realized that this type of honesty and being real is what I long for. It is so refreshing! God answered each of our prayers when He brought us into each other's lives...I love how we can be real with each other and not worry about hurting the other person's feelings, or afraid of how it may sound. We can be real with each other.....ahh, the beauty of being real.

It's a Monday.....

Today was a typical Monday...craziness. Maybe if I had been able to relax on my little getaway this weekend, it would have been better. I had planned an escape to the lake this weekend..just needed to unwind and retreat a bit. The home has a retreat house on the lake that we can use, so free is even better. I had it all planned out. I was going to get there around noon or so, sit on the porch, read, relax. I get there only to find that the air conditioner is BROKEN!!! That's right..broken and it's 90 degrees outside and feels much hotter inside. So I throw open all of the doors and turn the fans on. I thought that I could handle it for the night if I slept with the fan on and the balcony door open, but between chasing the bird that kept flying into the kitchen and my overall feeling of stickiness, I gave up. I was home a bit after dark. But it was still nice to get away and read for a bit.

I get to work this morning to find out that something that I had mailed off two weeks ago did not get to its destination. It was needed in VA this week. So off I went to the notary and to Fed Ex...so hopefully it will arrive soon. Then it just went from there. I guess it's not really that bad but it just seems that way. Major changes have been going on at work...which equals to a lot of mess and it feels like its all on my shoulders or rather I'm wading through it. Oh the joys of being a director!

I'm so tired of people not being nice. I know, not everyone is always nice. But sometimes I wish they would. I have been blamed for things that are out of my control. I feel like screaming, "I"m just trying to do my job...please do yours!" I'm so tired of the junk... I feel like I'm the one who has done something wrong, even though I know that it is the not case. I was talking to my mom earlier and she reminded me that what goes around comes around. I didn't do anything wrong. Now, granted, I could have probably handled things a little better, but can't we all? I hate how this situation has made me feel...i'm not me. I'm not positive, cheerful, happy, joyful for that matter. I feel helpless. But God knows that I'm right where He wants me to be, even if its' in the middle of junk.

Just Enough Light

Stormie Omartian wrote a book called, "Just Enough Light For the Step I'm On." I don't think that I've ever read the whole thing, just bits and pieces. The book talks about God guiding us through trials in life. So many times, I want to see the big picture. I want to know where the path is going to lead me, where exactly it is that I am going on this crazy journey. But God only shows me just enough...just enough light for the step that I need to take.

I am amazed at my God right now. I'm in a really good place in my life right now. 8 months ago, that was a totally different story. About 8 or 9 months ago, I felt like God calling me to apply for a position with the IMB in Kenya...that's right, Kenya. (As my mom said, "You mean half-way around the world Kenya?" I told my parents about it (not exactly a warm response...their only child telling them that she wanted to move to Africa), told my supervisor of my beginning steps of the process, had come up with a plan of what I needed to do...above all else I wanted to be obedient. But God had different plans. Kenya was put on the backburner for a bit because of other things that He was doing in my midst. I truly believe that God didn't intend for me to end up in Kenya right now, He wanted to see if I was going to trust Him enough to abandon everything and be obedient...I was willing to go. Who knows..one day, I may end up overseas, but for right now, I'm where I'm supposed to be. Things with my job situation changed in such a way that can only be described as the hand of God and of His favor. No other way to put it. In the months prior to the change and for a bit afterwards, I felt like I was stuck on a mountain. I knew that God was going to carry me through to the other side, but I wanted to get on the other side right away. I was tired, battered, bruised, burned out, broken, angry, frustrated, just to name a few. I had no clue where He was leading me.

To think that 8 months ago, I thought that right now, I'd be preparing to move halfway around the world. God slowly unfolded the path. He gave me just enough light for the step that I was on. No more. He wanted me to keep going forward, to keep walking by faith, even when I found it nearly impossible to believe. I felt like He had left me....and taken the light with Him. Sometimes, I can be a bit passive-agressive with God. "I'm not going to talk to You because You aren't doing things my way...so there." But He gently scoops me up in His arms and listens to my heart...the words that I can't say or don't know how to say. He showed me that His ways are higher than mine.

He gives me just enough light for the step I'm on. "He leadeth me, He leadeth me. By His own hand, He leadeth me."

Missing Him

It's been a while and it's time for a new post, as I was told by my one faithful reader! My birthday was a lot of fun...I got to spend my actual birthday with my 2nd family the Harrimans, and the kids just loved on their Nana, which made me feel so loved. Then Memorial day, i celebrated with my LIFE group at O charley's. It was a fun night.

Work has been interesting. My "baby" that I have been birthing for the past 6 months is approaching its due date...just a few minor things to correct for licensing. Considering that the regulation manual is like 35 pages and we started from scratch, I'm happy. So is my supervisor! (that's makes me even more happier!) Work has been rather difficult the past few months and God kept telling me that everything was going to be okay. I heard Him, I just wasn't seeing anything...not seeing that things were going to be okay. I felt like yelling at Him, wanting to say, "What does okay look like?????'Cause this is not it!!" Well, this week, He answered my prayer. He showed me that things were going to be okay. I'm not about to get into it here, but it reminded me that He hasn't forgotten about me...that He sees me. He moves in ways that we least expect.

Okay about the title. Brace yourself...this may sound like I'm whining or complaining, but I'm not. I'm just being honest. I've been missing someone lately. Strange thing is, I don't know his name, nor have I met him (at least I don't think I have!) I've been missing my future husband. I get like this from time to time, where it is just this overwhelming sense that someone is missing from my life-usually around my birthday. I think about all the things that I want to tell him, that I want to share about my day, about my dreams, my passion for my job, my love for him. I love him and I don't even know what he looks like or who he is! I want to serve Him together, wherever that takes us. I want us to have couple friendships--to be able to share my best friend and her husband with him. I wonder what he is doing today, where he is working, about his family, if he is praying for me, where we will meet, all that jazz. I pray for him, I pray for his family, I pray for our family. A few months ago, I heard about something that a pastor did before he met his wife. He wrote down a list of what he wanted in a wife and then he began to pray specifically over that list. A short time later, he met his wife and she was all and beyond what he had prayed for. This challenged me. Sure, I had the "list", but this was different. I made the new list with very specific things to be praying for in a husband. This list moved beyond the shallow "tall, dark and handsome". My top two requirements: Love God more than he loves me and realize that God loves me more than he ever will. So I'm praying with eager anticipation.

Back to missing him. It's kind of crazy when I think about it. Can I really miss someone that I've never met? Can I love someone that I don't even know their name? Does he even exist? As I was thinking about this and missing him, I was reminded of something that God showed me several years ago. I was a senior in college, approaching graduation. One night during our BCM worship service, I felt God speak to my heart, " 50 years from now, it is not going to matter how many letters you have behind your name, or whether you were married or not. What matters is how you lived your life for Me." My friend Joe was speaking that night on priorities when God revealed this to me. It has stuck with me ever since. It kind of gives me a reality check when I get too far ahead of God or when I feel like I'll be single forever. Today, I met with a couple who were both in their early 30's when they married. She told me that she thought that it was best to get married when you were out of your 20's because you don't focus on the petty things and you are able to see what it is important and because you have life experience. It really got to me thinking....now, I hope I get married before I'm 30, but if not it's okay!

So during my times of missing him, I need to draw closer to Him..the One who knows my name, the very number of the curls on my head, the One who has my heart....who sees me, who knows it all. But above all this, He loves me.

27

In honor of my birthday week......I thought that I would tell 27 things about me..I saw on this on someone else's blog..not that anyone reads this...but it will sharpen my thinking skills!

1. I once played basketball against Britney Spears and I got her autograph. She was not very friendly!
2. I saw the Red Sox and Yankees play at Fenway on Good Friday. So cool!
3. Matthew McCaunaughey greets my guests in my apartment. Seriously, I have a framed autograph of him, with my name on it!
3. I once sang at Hound Dog's Hot Dog stand on Music Row in Nashville. It's where Tim McGraw was discovered.
4. My first plane ride wasn't until I was 19.
5. I shook hands with President Bush- George Hebert Walker Bush.
6. I met Tipper Gore.
7. I love to read fitness magazines, although I'm not ahuge fan of exercise.
8. I was Prom Queen.
9. I nearly drowned once while white rafter rafting...seriously, I thought I was going to die!
10. I hate to be really organized. It seems like I have my own system and always can find things, but when I get organized, I can't find anything.
11. My mom and my aunts and I go shopping the day after thanksgiving every year!!
12. I was a summer missionary...twice.
13. I want to one day adopt a child.
14. I once walked down Bourbon street in pantyhose and high heels--not fun!
15. My senior year of college, I lived in a house with 6 other girls.
16. Peaches was my nickname in school...to this day I don't know where it came from.
17. Last year, I seriously considered moving to Kenya.
18. I want to visit the Holy Land before I die.
19. When sleeping, I have to lay on my stomach, facing the left side...always or I won't sleep!
20. I'm the only one in my family on both sides who has curly hair.
21. I love the smell of rain.
22. Scrapbooking is my therapy.
23. I love the Food Network, but don't do much cooking.
24. I've had the same best friend since I was 12.
25. I had an article published in Christian Single magazine.
26. If I weren't a social worker, I'd be a speaker or a writer.
27. My eyes are two different colors. The left one has brown at the top.

So there it is....all about me.